Friday, 28 March 2008

Thoughts of Today

Soon after the kids from our group started showing up, but they were the older kids. They tried to play with her but her mood had turned so dark that it was difficult to do and eventually they gave up, leaving her alone by a tree. That day was bleak.
Ah, that's just it. That is what has happened to me. Last summer I had a huge blow out with a close "friend", justified though it may have been on my part. The months following my mood has been so dark and bleak that anyone who has tried to be my friend ends up feeling drained and "leaves me by the tree".

So it really is more about me and what I am projecting. I need to get back to the place I was before last April, the happy, giving, spirited person who didn't find, search for, flaws in everything in order to back away from it. What I used to search for was what I could give people, what they needed, (often materializing something from my attic....) I don't live in a puddle, I live in an ocean of friends and opportunities. One *edited* "sea witch" should not keep me from swimming.

Also, I have come to realize that simply acknowledging the issues is not the same as releasing them. I am still kicking around some of my anger, especially on days like today. Lil'Bug is upstairs crying in her room off and on. In between she is playing happily. She's asked for some alone time, so I am just letting it unfold. I don't cry often, maybe I should, but I generally get angry instead and lash out. The heart of it is how sad I am sometimes. If I focus on that, I will lose out on some great friendships. Thank you all who emailed me and posted about the last post.


  1. I can relate to your Inclusion/Exclusion blog....I wish I couldn't but it seems like I just don't fit in sometimes either. I'm loving it now more than I used to though... Spending time with my family is when I have the most fun anyhow, but sometimes it still sucks when you find out you've been excluded! You are actually the one that got me started in this whole blogging world...Thank You! Because now I can find people that have similar interests as me and not feel like I have nothing in common with anyone!? Btw, I love the breastfeeding blog you wrote a while back, I don't get to comment much on here much, but I am reading your blog with my little one in my arms. Kudos to you and everyone who is not a carbon copy! Those are the people that inspire me the most!!!

  2. Wow - I keep thinking I must be dense. I haven't noticed you pushing anyone away (or me - did I miss clues?) and if someone gives you that reason for leaving than they are idiots. Everyone has bad days and friends stick by you no matter what. People who are chipper all the time are uninteresting anyway. So, you go have a good cry and talk to me about it (if you want) when we next get together. I may never have used my degree, but I am a trained counselor (or was - I wonder if there is an expiration date on unused degrees?). I like listening. It's the talking part I'm not so good at.


A blog about farming, unschooling, feminism, 22q deletion syndrome, cooking real food, homesteading, permaculture, and motherhood.