Who's Side Are You On?

Today Lil'Bug exclaimed, "Who's side are you on? Don't give him the Oregano!" As I was handing dearest the seasoning for dinner.

She was betrayed deeply when I handed it to him because obviously I was not on her side.

She also informed me that she was going to open a flower shop because she has lots of flowers and she'd be good at it.

She licked the mirrors at the eye doctor. Then she was thrilled to help clean them.

It has been a day like that.

Me, I am filled with a restlessness. We put our home on the market and, even though the market is terrible, I half expected at least one call by now. Even though the house isn't technically ready. Even though the picture isn't up yet on Realtor.com. Even as I have a pile of laundry to get through, drapes and pictures still to hang, and some painting to do. I expected a call. At least one.

It is more than that. We will be caught in a middle phase when we do sell. We can look for a house now, not able to buy until we sell, or we can wait and either way we can't buy until we sell so the new house has to be on the market when we do sell OR we need to find a place to rent for a short while and we have 2 birds, a dog, a cat, and 2 tornado tots. And a short while could be anywhere between 6 weeks and 2 years. And we may end up moving to Ohio. It is a time of great change and just thinking about it sends me into a small panic.

So do we get our hopes up for the 40 acres with pond, a turn of the last century home restored by an Amish family? Or do we quit tormenting ourselves with all the possibilities Realtor.com has to offer and wait until we sell to even look? I spent at least an hour looking today when I should have been painting or making apple butter.

I need to be able to visualize. I need to have something in mind to work for. So far my hopes and prayers have been with the visual focus of an apple tree. Is that silly? I have always been a dreamer. The dreams help me work toward goals.

Our goal is simple: we want an acreage to homestead. We want to raise our own food, everything: milk, cheese, eggs, fruit, berries, nuts, veggies, grains, honey, fish- everything. Then, maybe we could consider a CSA once we become self supporting. It will be a lot of work. I love a challenge. I also want sheep for wool. I want to learn to knit our own socks. I want to raise chickens and pick fruit at sunrise and run and play in the sunshine in an open field of wild flowers with my children.

Completely unrelated, I got assigned another Lit class for the Spring semester! Now I'll be teaching Kid Lit and Science Fiction. Neat.

So, while these thoughts are not completely as articulated and organized as I would like, neither have I been.

Lil'Bug

The zoo. She loves the underwater view bubble. I love her!

She looks so mature in this picture. Like a big girl. Sigh.

Ah! There's my little ham!


She swings for hours and sings songs she makes up. I love that.

She picks me flower arrangements to make me smile. This one is evil orange day lily and lambs ear. Perfect.

The Troll and the Battle for Mt. Patience

Lil'Bug has been feeling angry and rude inside. She is very frustrated about it and has painted some lovely expressive art that starts with a rainbow of colors and ends with the spectrum being covered with black paint.

She said her feelings are turning her into a troll, that's how trolls are made you see. She wants to be a princess, not a troll. She said she needs patience. I think what she may be saying is that either she needs to be patient or I need to be patient with her more. Or both, maybe both would be better.

I'm not sure how to help her with what she is feeling. I am eternally grateful she is able to express it verbally and artistically. I thought that starting back with play dates and field trips and park days would help, but they don't so much. Also, aside from very few isolated incidents (usually at play dates) she's been cheerful, helpful, and awesome- the normal state of Lil'Bug! That's why I'm so surprised she is articulating her sadness and anger, outwardly she seems fine.

As for me, I am content and blank. I'm just not feeling super happy or super sad or frustrated or overwhelmed. No extremes. Just getting by. I decided to start getting up at 5 am when Blueberry does and in the morning I enjoyed the quiet and the sunrise. It was a nice start to the day. Then she shifted to waking at 4am and then sleeping until 7am. I'm not getting up at 4 and everyone is up by 7. Ah, it was nice while it lasted.

So while I am feeling very vanilla inside, little one is rocky road mud pie with sprinkles. Perhaps that is a balanced mix. Hopefully we will work through it well.

Great Clippers

Lil'Bug really wanted to use scissors this week. So I let her. I even bought her her own pair of blunt tip kid scissors. She clipped and clipped and snipped all day, until the floor was littered with paper and glue and paint. An explosion of motor skills and creativity. Lovely.

Until.

Until she cut her own hair. That's a right of passage, isn't it? I was right there with her and she was simple too quick for me to stop her. She looked at me in amazement and said, "Mama, my hair is falling out?" Aghk. Luckily, she merely cut more of those stupid layers that the multiple Great Clips hair "artists" butchered her hair with so, really, you can't tell.

The bright side is that at age three she has a marketable skill, she can cut hair for Great Clips! Ha. (For those who don't remember we gave instructions for NO LAYERS and the hair cut lady cut lots of layers so we went to a GC across town and asked a different lady to fix it but cutting it really short to get rid of the layers and she cut MORE LAYERS AND GAVE LIL'BUG A SUCKER AND THEN TOOK IT AWAY FROM HER WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING! OMG).

Still, Dearest had been skeptical about letting Lil'Bug had scissor privilage. Upon seeing the carnage of her hair on the floor, he reminded me of his objections. Bah. He turns to her and asks, "Lil'Bug, how old are you?"

"Three!"

"Thank you sweety, now I won't have to do an I was right dance for Mama," he snickered.

Hmph.

Caterpillar Buddy, the Eulolgy

Caterpillar buddy cocooned, but he never emerged. That was weeks ago. Yesterday Lil'Bug realized there was something wrong with his "coon" and I explained to her what happened. She cried. She's never had a pet or a loved one die. She'd seen movies where characters die and I think she somewhat understands the concept, but still, her heart hurt her to know that caterpillar buddy was dead. We set him out in a shady place for the wind to take him to heaven. That was her idea.

Goodbye caterpillar friend. You were very special to my sweet child. May you eat lots of broccoli leaves and flutter with delicate wings on the breeze.

Super Hero Mama

We just rescued a baby robin.

Lil'Bug started yelling that she caught a bird with her swing.

????

Indeed she had. It was twisted up in twine and the chain of her swing. It was an immature robin. I untied it but ultimately had to just cut the twine. I couldn't get it off the bird's leg myself (if Dearest had been here one of us could have hold the bird while the other untied) but I got it mostly off. The bird then flew up to the hackberry tree. Seems ok. Lil'Bug says I am her super hero bird saving mama. :)

That's our adventure for the morning. I considered getting my camera out, but the split second I considered it, I also considered the bird's suffering. Three minutes would be an eternity to the poor thing.

****
Lil'Bug also says that a "tomato" is going to take our house tonight so we better pack up the dishes and extra clothes. Upon which she emptied her drawers and closet into various bags in her room.

****
We also took Blueberry for a weigh in. It was supposed to be her well baby check but the Doc is in Cedar Rapids doing disaster relief work, so it was just a weigh in. She is now 8 lbs 13 oz! She was 8 lbs 1 oz last week. :) She is thriving.

Butterfly

I was playing a logic game this morning with Lil'Bug:

"You are beautiful and I like watching you play; butterflies are beautiful and I like watching butterflies, so you must be a butterfly!"

She looks at me puzzled. I continue, "You like playing in the flowers, so do butterflies, so you must be a butterfly! Right?"

She thinks on this, "No Mama, I have to wear day clothes, night clothes, and swimsuits. Butterflies are naked, so I am not a butterfly."

:) I almost fell over laughing.

What Did You Hit?

Lil'Bug was jumping on her bed. She jumped and flipped and head dived right through the air on to the hardwood floor. Thud. I saw the whole thing from the doorway. Dearest scooped her up and examined her.

"What Did You Hit?!?!" I asked.

"The floor!" she replied.

Yeah. The floor. Of course.

Also, she's fine.

Friday Rain Check

It rained. Usually this is no big deal. Actually, it set up to make our first Friday field trip to the local marsh even marshier. Lil'Bug was very excited. As we loaded up into the truck to head out, Nana and Pawpaw called- their sump pump was malfunctioning and their finished basement was flooded. They needed Dearest to help.

Lil'Bug was fine with missing her field trip to help Nana and Pawpaw BUT the thing that devastated her was that she wasn't actually allowed to help because of the bacteria in the accumulating water. She has always been able to help Daddy at our house with just about everything from tile grouting to oven repair. She was pissed. She moped, she stomped, she pouted. She even put on her rain boots and stomped down to the basement anyway only to be escorted back upstairs and given a box of cookies to keep her occupied. Yes, a whole box. Not my idea, but I helped her eat them.

When all was as stabilized as possible, Dearest took me and Blueberry home and Lil'Bug to a different park for a nature explore. They revisited the poached deer carcass from last month to observe the changes. For almost four hours, they climbed rocks, overturned logs, examined bugs, and then came home exhausted.

I hate that she missed her field trip BUT it is very important to us that we demonstrate for our children the importance of helping family and friends even when it means you miss out on something fun now and then. Goodness knows that friends and family have done the same for us time and time again; for that we are forever thankful.

Sweet Things She Does and Says

Yesterday Dearest broke (shattered) a glass mason jar in the kitchen. While he was trying to clean up the shards, Lil'Bug comes racing in barefooted. Sweetie there is glass, why do you keep insisting on coming in here. Her reply, "My tricycle is in here. I keep yearning for it."

****
Sunday morning she got up and out of bed, headed to the kitchen and back up again. She climbed into bed with me, bring three apples. "Breakfast picnic in bed, Mama," and then she explained to me that there was no other food we could eat because we'd been gone for four days, that we'd have to just eat apples forever.

She was right. No other food. She had ransacked every cabinet looking too.

Learning the Hard Way

How is Lil'Bug doing? I started this post the weekend we went into labour, but most of it is still right on.

These last weeks have been hard on Lil'Bug. We are usually on the move, go go go. But my inability to drive made us house bound. When Lil'Bug would ask, "Can we go to x,y,z today?" I'd say, YES! But now I have to explain over and over that I can't drive right now and how about we wait until Dad gets home or offer various other activities around the house.


Several lovely friends had graciously come over to relieve out tedious days, however.....yes, there is a however, Lil'Bug is so wound up and grumpy that these play dates ended early and/or with injury. Some of these incidents are with good friends that she usually plays well with. I could not continue to ask these friends to come over and subject their children to her fits. You see, she has taken to biting again, something we haven't seen in about two years. She has taken a chomp at just about every family member and several of good friends. She even bit me at the hospital.

As I reflected on this, I understand it. Her whole life is changing. Much the way she changed our lives almost 4 years ago, her little sister has changed hers. She is nervous and scared and anxious. She doesn't want to make me unhappy or worried so she is taking it out on everything else. It is ironic, I observed the same behaviour in another family who was expecting and I never thought twice about it, except that my kid is so different from them. Well, maybe not so much.


What can I do about it, really? I continue to be patient and loving, but I am tired and scared and worried too. Half the time she is really trying hard to be mature and thoughtful and helpful, and then suddenly it is too much and she explodes. I feel that way too, but my explosion is in frantic laundry folding and tears instead of fists and fangs. What we used to do when things got rough was take a walk in a quiet park, but none are nearby and if she runs off I can't chase her and she knows it. She can't even sit on my lap because she slides off my knee. She has cried herself to sleep several nights in my arms.

The hospital stay was rough. The room made her nervous and she'd open the door and take off down the hall, she was so disruptive she couldn't be there as much as she or we would have liked. She cried a lot and said she missed me being home. The only thing that actually helped was me coming home.

She has asked to go back to being a family of just Mama, Daddy, and Lil'Bug and then in the next 10 minutes will gush about how much she loves and likes her little sister. I know how it is possible to feel both, I'm the oldest of my sibling group too. I've talked to her about that, how I felt when Aunt Bee was born, what I did, and how I acted. This seems to have given her permission to talk to me about how she feels. Sometimes it is painful to hear the things she says, but she trusts me enough to say these things and that is really important to validate.

She really is a good big sister, I know it has been rough on her. Things are getting better, for all of us.

Progress

Update:
We are slowly laboring at home. We spoke to our doula this morning about how long we have before we go into the hospital, and decided to labor at home as long as possible. Could be until tomorrow morning, as long as I don't get a fever or bleed. I'm not having regular contractions, but the ones I do have a strong, about 7 minutes apart.

We woke Lil'Bug up and she was soooo happy. She hugged my belly. Now she is as Nana's watching another Land Before Time sequel and eating ice cream. We plan on heading out to visit her at lunch time. We'll bring her home later today and with us to the hospital if she wants to go.

So, what I am doing in the meantime is alternately resting, reading, movie watching, laundry, and cleaning. Dearest planted peppers and is outside now trimming the lilacs. We're keeping busy. An anxious, excited busy, but still!

Delight in the Sunshine

After such a long and harsh winter we have relished these Spring days. Some mornings it is all Lil'Bug can do to snarf down her cheerios and bolt for the back door. Out she goes! Last fall we got a free swing set from another homeschool family. Thank goodness! She lives on her "pirate ship" and now with the addition of the Pooh Bear themed superhero cape she is "Larry Boy, the hero pirate!".....????.....Veggie Tales does have a pirate movie, but she has never seen it. Behind her is her pet pig who sails the open sea with her and only eats "wishing" flowers mixed with sand.

We had a great child labor thing going for a while. It was her job to pick and gather all the dandelions and bury them in a hole by the back fence. Then....someone showed her that, un-picked, those pesky weeds turn into wishing flowers. Sigh. She has made thousands of wishes that her sister would hurry up and be born. Thousands.

The innocence of childhood. Cape, t-shirt, denim shorts, and....black patten leather princess shoes? My sweet days.

Garden Update, Spring Progress

Broccoli! These are doing awesome. The strange absence of bugs this year also includes cabbage moths and such so maybe we won't have a huge problem with them this year. I plan on harvesting and freezing these in June and another rotation in the fall. Yum. Also, Lil'Bug says we will find June Bug in the broccoli bed and that will be her birth day- just like we found her in the pumpkin patch 4 years ago, in Narnia, in Heaven. Ah, the creation story of a wee babe.

Yum. Spinach. I will have my first garden fresh spinach salad tomorrow and then use some for lasagnas to freeze for the first week June Bug babe is home.

The other part of my salad mix: lettuce and various greens. So tender are they when fresh and young. Drool....

Strawberriest blossoms. Two different kinds. Lovely with morning dew......or wait...no Lil'Bug do not spray Mama with the hose while I have the camera out here! AGH!

And last....we planted blueberries. Again. We are the gardeners of ever innocent hopefulness. Every blueberry plant we have ever planted has died. This one has blossoms! Ok, to be fair, it came with the the blossom buds, but still!

Friends

You know those Hallmark commercials that can move certain people at certain times to tearful sobbing masses (ice cream in hand.....)?

I had a real life moment. Actually a series of them over the past week.

It started with a freak out from me over the Cardiologist appointment and not being ready for the new baby, then.......

My Dearest has been his sweet and wonderful self, but more so because he took extra time off work to help out around the house with stupid chores he hates, take us to various medical appointments and then ice cream, and bring me anything I want anytime with no complaint. No, not fried pickles with chocolate, but still. He's made an extra effort to reassure me and ask what I need to feel better/more ready.

Friends. You know, I think I am just about over the whole, "former friend really sucked and now I'm lonely forever, waaaaaaa," thing. This past week friends both local and online have really been awesome. Phone calls, emails, and comments all at the right time saying the right things. Seriously, I really needed all the love.

This morning a friend emailed and offered to drive us to the park day (the one I was afraid we'd miss because I can't drive); it occurred to her that we can't drive right now, so she offered! It was amazingly sweet and perfectly timed. This park day is special too, it's an annual dress up in the park and play in the flowers day.

And my sweet daughters. Lil'Bug has been singing and talking to June Bug. Today she told her, as her big sister so she should listen up, it is time to come out. Sweetie, I wish it was that simple.

Baby Update: the Docs AND Park Day

We got there early. She saw us early. That was good.

Lily was really impressed by how pointy her shoes were. That was hilarious. Doc is now known as Dr. Pointy Shoes.

I had to have a Strep test, but not a cervical check. She asked if I wanted one and I asked if I needed it. She said no, not really, not yet. That was good.

She asked me questions about how Lil'Bug's pregnancy and birth went, in my perspective. She had studied my file thoroughly. That was good and reassuring.

She verified that we are measuring right at date, BP, protein, and sugar are all good. I asked her about the BH contractions, she said totally normal and actually good preparation. She said, I likely just didn't feel them the first time around, but they are usually more self detectable in second pregnancies and exactly how I described too.

She went over with me some of the things we do not want to happen this time, that could lead to a C-section. If my water breaks and labor has not progressed (like last time), they will advise for surgery (like last time). She said that if I test Strep positive, I'll have the IV hook up in and get the antibiotics, but I can disconnect and not have saline after that (so I can walk around). I'll have the belly monitor on, but free movement. I knew that already. No surprises there.

She spent quite a lot of time with me. She also explained that I'll have to see the Docs now, but I can opt to just see her or whomever I choose. She'd like for me not to drive out to the other clinic unless someone else is driving because of physical logistics (don't fit behind the wheel) and distance (35 minute drive there). So I will see her at the office 2 minutes from my house. That distance is ok for now, unless I feel it isn't. I really relaxed at her concern for my daily well being, my sunburn, and my feelings in general.

So, all in all, she thinks we can do the VBAC. No reason not to try, preferable than unnecessary surgery if we can do it, she said. Now we just let nature take its course.

So that's the baby update. Now, what that means is: Driving no more than 2-5 minutes at a time? We live in a sprawled out urban area. Some regular activities are now off the table. Like one of the weekly park days. To be specific, Lil'Bug's favorite park day with her friends and the big climbing tree. So we started a new park day on a different day at the park by our house. So far so good, only one other family came, but better than nothing AND it was another unschooling family with kids Lil'Bug's age! Whoo hoo!

What that also means is: Dearest must now do the grocery shopping and run Lil'Bug out to Nana's and Pawpaw's if she goes. It means I have to find someone (like wonderful Aunt Bee) to drive us to work things when needed. It means getting the house clean enough to have play dates here. That is harder than it sounds since I can't pick up things near my feet easily like laundry and toys. But, I think I have the system beat. For larger items I've been using the sucker hose on my vacuum to grab said items and lift them up! Ha ha!

Lil'Bug Update

Lil'Bug read her first words last week.

We were out in the garden working on the raised bed when she pointed and read this:

Cool. She read COW! She also picked up a book at the book store and asked to buy it. I said, "Sure, if you can tell me what it is called."

"Space. Mom, it says Space right here," she pointed to the cover title.

So now she is the proud owner of a book about space and a bag of cow poop. :) She asked to keep it a secret for a while, but finally relented to letting me blog about it. For those of you who don't know, we do not do active reading/writing lessons. We read to her a lot. She HATES the ABC song and people quizzing her on the alphabet, so we don't. She knows her letters though and can write most of them when she wants to. I suspected she was reading when I heard her screaming at Super Why last week that they got the wrong answer AGAIN, but I did not push her on it.

She will and is now reading at her own pace. She does it for curiosity and not performance. She is growing and learning naturally.

Science Fair Project: Phase 1

Lil'Bug decided to document the bugs in our backyard. I took the pictures, but she found the bugs. She wants to keep doing this so we have a good record of what lives back there. Not all the critters are identified. She also went through our picture archive so we could put together a post of what we found last summer too, but then I realized we've already done that with the GARDEN CRITTERS tag. :) Wow, we found some neat stuff last year!

While a traditional Science Fair has one entry on one day, we are going to continue our project through the warm weather. We'll be buying a bug book to help with identification too. Any ideas on the larva thing in the first picture? Last year my aunt told me not to kill those because they turn into a beneficial bug, but I can't remember which one!

Secret Salad

Lil'Bug and I decided to make salad smoothies last week. It caught on. This week I let her pick and add all the goodies.

Carrots
Spinach
Banana
Blueberries (lots of blueberries!)
flax seed
yogurt
Strawberries
+
food processor
=She drank the whole thing and then asked for seconds, "Delicious!" She's not sure why I am taking a picture of her though. I held up a hand mirror. That's why the "face". Too cute.

Inclusion/Exclusion

This is an issue we are dealing with here at Chez Podkayne lately.

For Lil'Bug it really started about two weeks ago at Park Day. Some kids were there (not from our group) and were playing pirate, her favourite! Unfortunately they yelled at her and threw sand, calling her a baby and a girl and telling her because of those two things she can't be a pirate.

Broke. Her. Heart.

Soon after the kids from our group started showing up, but they were the older kids. They tried to play with her but her mood had turned so dark that it was difficult to do and eventually they gave up, leaving her alone by a tree. That day was bleak.

Recently at playgroups I have noticed, as the kids get older maybe?, that the boys and the older kids seem less willing to play with her. Perhaps it is that she is less willing to play by their rules and wants to have input. I don't know. I do know that sometimes even when people come here to our home and play with her toys, she ends up being left out. This makes her cry, but also hit and kick and get mad which does not lead to kids wanting to play with her. THEN she is upset for days.

The girls that are her own age are few and far between. She does ok with them though if we are not at home, but she still prefers pirates over princesses and that seems to be a problem with that age group of girls.

This leads me to the other side of this. I know exactly how she feels. I don't fit in either. I don't try to, but there are certain things/rules I really didn't know until recently. I didn't know that it is polite to bring food to a playdate, a dish, a bread, a snack, some offering. I didn't realize how important the telephone still is to socializing with women. Big problem for me. Mostly, I don't know much of how to be a good friend. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I stick a big warty foot in my mouth.

It doesn't feel good to hear that many of the moms all get together and have girls night out, even though I couldn't go even if I wanted to. Why? Something else that separates me from them: I work. I stay home with my kid but I also teach college classes online. My "free time" is spent grading papers and communicating with students and filling out paperwork. I blog and read blogs when my grades are downloading. The rest of my time is spent with my family, tending house, or learning with Lil'Bug. My husband is attending classes online and working a lot to prepare for the time off he will take when June Bug arrives, so I take up the slack. But the not feeling good about it is not resentment for my life, it is feeling like I am being left out of that circle of friendship, something strong and good and rejuvenating, like the cool kids are sitting there with their back turned on the art geek. Been there, thought it sucked then too.

I actually had a friend recently tell me that she just doesn't click with me, when she thought she would. I like honesty, but ouch. That left me doubting myself, which was even worse. What about me was unlikable? (Plenty, is the answer. I am human and have personality flaws. I know this.) Still, pregnancy hormone fed emotions swelled up and left me bleak as well.

This is definitely an issue I will have to work out if I am going to help Lil'Bug. It was also an issue I thought I could ignore if we were moving to Ohio, but it looks like that won't happen for many years now, if ever. The important thing here is that Dearest Husband found out how I was feeling and boosted my self esteem. What a wonderful guy. :) He offered to rearrange things so I could have a night out, but that's not really what I want. I like spending time with my family. I don't need a night out.

Then there is this online wonderful circle of friends that I belong to. Perhaps that is why I come here daily now when before I simply checked email. I've actually avoided blogging about much this week because of how rotten I was feeling (also WAY busy!), but perhaps what I need to do is blog more and perhaps take up walking in the mornings or even with Lil'Bug in the afternoon.

(I sigh and lookout the window.....) Except......it is snowing. I thought that the thunderstorms this morning were rolling in with Spring, not bring one last dose of freaking Midwestern winter. Grrrrr.