Tuesday in the Afternoon

Today I feel really warm, from the inside out. Calm.

I went out and examined the Praying Mantis case. It vibrates to the touch, I could hear it humming. Truly amazing. That's how I feel. Buzzing with energy, a sweet hum from the deep inside. Encasing a precious new life.

I am surrounded by friends and love and the green beginnings of Spring. I feel so full of energy, yet I know to take it easy. So Lil'Bug and I are simply enjoying the sunshine. After yesterday, I really expected to feel tired, worried, and tense.

I don't. I feel reassured that my instincts were good. I feel blessed. I feel free of a burden (the fibroid) and relieved/grateful that it has passed. I want to laugh. Dr.s kept telling me that fibroids must be removed by surgery and I've lost almost a full pound of them since Lil'Bug was born, and now the last vestige during a pregnancy! I am blessed, no doubt.

I am wishing you all have a wondrous, happy day as well!

Longest Monday Ever

I woke up to a regular Monday. Fed Lil'Bug breakfast, saw Dearest off to work, blogged a bit.....then, well, then I passed a blood clot.

Yeah.

I calmed myself down enough to call Dearest at work and tell him. He headed home. I called the Dr.s office, but no call back. I called our Doula. She said, "Go, go now." Really, there is no good reason for blood. So we went. Pawpaw came to the hospital to get Lil'Bug who was scared and worried too. I'm only almost 33 weeks.

They monitored, they prodded and poked (which hurt a lot! to the point of embarassment). The ultra sound showed June Bug a perfectly happy and active baby girl, placenta intact, mucus plug intact, cervix tight. My stats were good too. What they didn't find was the fibroid. No confirmation, but the going guess is that it broke, dissolved, and that is what passed. My gut tells me that is what happened. I am relieved, but the scare was a bit much for me and I ended up sleeping for a good deal of the afternoon. And, yes, lots of tears.

Dearest took me out to lunch and then home (after picking up Lil'Bug) and we puttered around for a bit in the garden. Here are some more progress pictures:


And a weird cocoon type thing. Any ideas? It is on a Lilac.

I really need a macro lens. I thought I would end up needing a zoom lens more, but a macro seems like it would fit better with all the close ups I've been doing. Oh, yeah, and the MAGNOLIAS are budding!

Lil'Bug loves mud bugs. Dearest and Lil'Bug also caught a nasty bug, or what they thought might be one. We took a break to look up Emerald Tree Borer. What they caught was NOT one. Whew. We don't have Ash trees in our yard, but still, nasty bug!

Then I went inside and slept. So much for getting laundry done!

Also, as a side note: EVERY THURSDAY SINCE THE WARM UP, IT HAS RAINED OR SNOWED OR BEEN AWFUL OUT. It's not fair. That is our park day! It means we go swimming instead, but still, park days are coveted. I just looked at the week's weather forcast and lo and behold, Thursday 70 percent chance of THUNDERSTORMS but sunny all the rest of the week. Gah. It could be worse; we turned the boiler off for the season so worse would be snowing and frigid.

Also, through some strange act of fate, I reconnected with a friend from high school who is also due in June. Amazing. We had lots in common then, more now. Different things now. :) So that's a happy ending to a very, very long day.

The Last Class and Then......

Monday night was the last class in the Bradley Method series. It was actually 2 classes packed into one since we had class canceled last week.

It was an important class. We went over possible emergencies and emergency procedures. There were several that I did not know about and a couple I wanted to add, but I think that those are all pretty unlikely and it is never good to start listing off possible tragic scenarios in a room full of pregnant ladies (some of whom are due in the next week or so......) so I held my tongue. Whew.

I also remembered things that I had not thought about in a while: the evil nurse who removed my staples not at all gently. She was also the one who came in and gave me the 3rd degree about our no guest, privacy request. She wanted details and pressed me for more when I gave her a simple answer. She also did this when I was alone, no doubt I was most vulnerable.

I felt myself getting tensed up at that memory so I practiced meditation techniques and just as it was kicking in and I was de-tensing, the instructor mentioned post birth shaking. Yes. That was scary, BUT suddenly I remembered the only other time in my life that I shook like that: the first time Dearest Husband and I kissed. So as I think about this this morning over a cup of tea in the quiet hours, I think that the shaking, while having physiological base, is also a spiritual shift. Both moments my life changed so immensely. Dearest Husband's unconditional love and encouragement lifted me out of a life of abuse and led me to shine as the person I was meant to be and the first time I held Lil'Bug in my arms (though the shaking made me afraid I would drop her) was the moment I started the journey of motherhood in earnest, a journey continues to take me places I'd never been able to imagine myself. Both moments were blessed and deepened my faith in ways hard to explain.

We also talked about in hospital vaccines. Dearest and I went through the checklist as each was explained and made our decisions. I won't share each one here, but trust me when I was that our baby will not being injected with things that are unnecessary. We are leaning towards selective and delayed vaccination, now we have to find a pediatrician who will support that. With Lil'Bug we had concerns and reservations but we went along with what was recommended and one time she even got a vaccine that we didn't want her to have.

Our birth plan will be completed this evening. I think I am ready to finish it up. It is one thing to know the facts and figures and another to be ready in other ways.

Then we made bracelets with beads we brought to share, a bead for each family in the class. This way we remember the strength of that circle and community. We are all about to give birth (one family already has, easily too). We can do it too. I can do it too. Since the beginning of humans woman has done this task, as our bodies are designed to do. And as Dearest has a special, expensive IT training session in the middle of May, my money is on that week for the arrival of baby. I'll start a blog pool. ;)

Oooh La Doula!

I totally forgot to write out our meeting with our Doula on Tuesday! (I DID SAY WE WERE BUSY!) Yes, Tuesday was the busiest day ever.

It went awesome. We outlined the details of where and when to meet, what things to try, etc. I am working on our birth plan right now and then I will send it to her. Sometimes I get so excited that everything is going so well, thankful for that blessing.

C. is really great. Lil'Bug was chaotic and grumpy from the afternoon, but C. handled it with grace. We even ended up talking about butter making and gardening (which reminds me, I will have to send her my butter making link.....).

So while working on the birth plan, I got a little anxious about our hospital visit. Will it be a battle to have our wishes respected? What about when it comes to baby care? I'm sure I don't want the baby to get the Hep B shot at the hospital (if at all) and I am starting to investigate the need for the Vit K shot as well. Neither my husband nor I have Hep B, and she'll be breastfeeding, so I don't really see the need for it as a tiny newborn. I do know personally a child who got very sick from Hep B so I know it is possible, but it was also a public exposure issue that our newborn won't have.

Basketball Belly

Funny. I always turn pictures of me Black and White. This is not my Photo Challenge entry, Dearest Husband took it at the park. :)

Tuesday, There Was So Much to Do.....

Bradley class was canceled Monday night. Nothing to write about there, except that one of the 6 couples in our class had their baby Monday morning! Yay! They were due first, so while it was a little early, not unexpected. I am so happy for them.

We had a Dr. visit today in which Lil'Bug learned that our practitioner is not really a "doctor" and boy was she mad about it. We tried to explain why a Midwife is better for mama and new sister, but Lil'Bug wanted no part of it. She wanted a doctor.

The visit itself went really well. BP good, blood sugar good, no anemia, measuring right at 30 weeks (this means no fibroid growth as well as healthy baby), and good heart beat. We'll see them again in two weeks.

Then we rushed home to get ready for a baby shower. Not my own. Our pregnant homeschooling mom friend might have her baby early and after reading this post about how her family is "supporting" her a bunch of us decided to throw her a baby shower.....with one day's notice. It worked out fine. The kids were stressed out a bit, but that is to be expected I think. Lil'Bug did not handle the chaos well and there was a lot of crying and such on her part. BUT I think H. had a good time and that is what matters.

I've also been busy with my online job. Something went wonky over Spring break on one of my class sites and I am trying to figure it out. THEN firefox decided not to be compatible so for now I am grading out of Safari and I hate it. I'll get over it, it is just driving me up a wall right now and consuming more time than I'd like.

So then I also found out something that upset me. I post a lot of stuff we do here on the blog, but always after we have done it. On a local homeschool board, I often post events that we plan on attending, even issue invitations to others. That part of the forum is closed to the public and only available to local families BUT somehow people I do not want to have contact with, that have nothing to do with homeschooling, know about our activities and whereabouts. Yuck. I canceled my account with the group and since I usually plan the events I attend anyway, as most others plan things with age restrictions that exclude us anyway, I don't think it will impact us too much. If the yuckiness invades my blog, I can block their ISP (I think, I've heard others talk about doing that), but I can't do that on the other forums. Maybe I am being paranoid? I'm just not willing to risk it.

In Photo Challenge news, I am working on setting up a Flicker pool. I got so busy with things that I forgot to post this week's challenge. Well, it is now Thursday so I won't post it this week, BUT I will have everything up and ready by Saturday I hope! Thank you for the great idea Evie!

That's a lot of random stuff, but that's our week. Now, I must get back to work!

Breastfeeding Review

Last night's Bradley class was all about breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

Pause.

In case anyone didn't know already, we co-sleep. Not as much anymore now that Lil'Bug wanted her own room, but she still needs to be snuggled when she has nightmares. Co-sleeping is highly controversial in the US. Why? My gut reaction is Pottery Barn. Places like that try and sell you an ideal nursery with all the things you NEED, including an expensive slatted side bed ......the crib. You also need a glider and a changing table and and and.......cha ching. People are made to feel bad if they can't afford the best, safest, trendiest devices and furniture for their bundle of joy. Worried about your baby closed up in a crib in a room down the hall? Buy a baby monitor. Still worried? Buy a heartbeat sensor monitor. For heavens sake, don't just run down there and cuddle the baby, that has no corporate profit.

What we discovered we really needed? A baby. Sometimes a blanket. Love. None of which get safety recalls.

Any flat surface can be used to change a diaper. Any dresser will hold clothes. We used the crib once for a nap and Lil'Bug woke up terrified and alone. I don't like sleeping alone. Most people don't. Most humans spend their late youth and adulthood searching for someone to share their sleep with. Babies don't understand the world, why would we wrap them up and leave them isolated and alone for hours at a time? Don't get me wrong, I bought or was gifted every single baby thing on the market. New. Sometimes two. I had the decked out nursery and a second changing station downstairs for convenience.

This time I have registered for cloth diapers and some diaper station type things (like a pail and liner). That's it. I know the clothes will come rolling in as gifts, I also know that most of the other plastic devices don't fit in our lifestyle anymore.

And breastfeeding. I forget sometimes exactly how hard it was for us in the beginning. It was really hard. Everywhere we turned for support people would tell us, "You know, formula isn't poison." ???? What kind of response is that? My milk came in REALLY late (and corresponded with an ER visit for heavy post surgery bleeding) and Lil'Bug had a hard time latching and we were given just about every single plastic device known to the industry to get it to work. Most of those things got in the way of real progress. I felt like I was failing as a new mom, but I wouldn't give up. Even the pediatrician was doubtful of our progress, however, a resident Dr. gave us encouragement and reassured us at daily weigh ins that she was gaining and to keep at it. Another ray of hope was Dear Husband's Grandma who came to stay for the holidays and quietly encouraged me, told me stories about her brief experience with breastfeeding, her own lack of support and regrets.

And the biggest support- Dearest Husband. He was really set on our success because of his ear problems. Breastfed babies are less likely to get ear infections because of the mechanics of sucking and swallowing among other things. He suffered terrible infections as a child and has partial hearing loss because of it. He wanted no such thing for our beautiful baby girl and really kept me going with it. He made it easier for me at every turn. He even held warm wash cloths for me when I got sore and every other helpful thing possible. I cannot imagine going through what we did alone AND she's never had a single ear infection, thank God.

6 weeks later, we were finally comfortable with it. Then I had to go back to work. I pumped milk in my office while I worked at the computer and took phone calls. Sometimes I pumped in the car while driving to classes or to museum sites. If I wasn't actually breastfeeding, I was pumping. It was my life for 9 months. Milk milk milk. Totally worth it. At 9 months, I quit my full time job and went to part time, slowly decreasing face to face time from that point on. Sometimes the only time I really had to sit and connect with Lil'Bug was when I was breastfeeding her.

It took me a long while to get comfortable feeding her in public. I was even harassed by other moms (strangers no less). I breastfed Lil'Bug in bathroom stalls and isolated hallways, even out in the car. Eventually I got over it and just fed her discreetly when she was hungry.

My earliest day care provider really pushed formula on me. "For back up," she said. I brought her extra milk frozen instead.

I'm also not ashamed to say we breastfed until Lil'Bug was ready to wean. She was almost 3. Now when she plays Mommy to her baby dolls she pulls her shirt up to feed them Mommy Milk and that makes me smile and warm in my heart.

There are things we talked about in class that I had forgotten about. Milk sometimes smelled like the food I ate the night before. Sometimes it would take on tints of color of foods like broccoli and blueberries. I had forgotten how hard it was to sometimes find a place to pump milk on campus and when my job took me off-site. How hard it can be to travel where the laws regarding public breastfeeding are stricter than here in Iowa.

Mostly the things we talked about in class made me really long for the upcoming day when I will get to meet June Bug and hold her to my breast for the first time.

28 Weeks!

Even if my ticker there at the bottom doesn't quite say that, the midwife informed me I am now officially past the 28 week marker and doing great!

I took the glucose (lemon-lime is way better than orange BTW) test today, results back tomorrow. I start going every 2 weeks for well mama visits this month and even though I feel terrible in my head (snotty, sore, like my sinuses will explode before falling out of my head......) apparently I look great. I'm measuring 28 weeks too which means that the fibroid isn't growing (last pregnancy I measured 3 weeks more than I actually was, they say) and I don't need another ultrasound (so far). I gained a little much these last 4 weeks, but I was a little on the light side before so it all evens out.

Bradley classes last night were pretty uneventful, save some serious birth film watching. We saw a water birth in Mexico, a series of squatting position births, and a very un-graphic home video of our instructor's 1st birth. I didn't admit this in class, but I had never really watched a birth film before. I had seen them on tv (but usually changed the channel) and doodled through one in a jr. high health class I think, but not really watched them. Wow.

But it wasn't so much the films themselves that impacted me, but the visuals. I dreamt last night of our upcoming birth and for the first time I could visualize it and hold it in my head. I can see myself giving birth in a way that I was not able to do before. Before I was unsure, not confident at all, but now it feels like I can do it and I know that I can.

When I was pregnant with Lil'Bug I just took it for granted that I could labor and deliver, I never visualized it, and I certainly didn't educate myself about the whats and what could go wrongs. I hired a Doula and a Midwife and called my stats better than average. Yeah. I know. I'm sure I just took it for granted that everything would go well because I wanted it to. That sounds bratty, but it is true. When I had contractions I went to the hospital. This time, I want to labor at home, but there are things I know about labor now that I didn't before (even after experiencing it).

Another thought I had was more of a regret. 10 or so years ago a woman who's kid I watched invited me to the homebirth of her second child. I would be the support person for her 2 year old, etc. I said no. I said no way. I now understand what a wonderful gift I would have given the little girl and her family and what a sacred event they were inviting me to be a part of. I said no and never gave it a second thought. I remember being grossed out that she was essentially having a party at her house while nakedly birthing a baby. There were so many people coming (in my mind, more than 3 is a lot) and her extended family and neighbors were all going to be celebrating with her. Now, I regret not being a part of it AND now I can see what an amazing support system she had in place to welcome her growing family. We don't have that. We have a handful of family, most who live far away and all who will wait at home for the phone call. I didn't grow up here, so no long time friends that I know well enough to be naked around. We will still have the security measures in place at the hospital, so that will make having visitors after the birth difficult (though the alternative is WAY worse).

So in my reflection, I have realized that not only did I say no to L. and her family, I have said no to many opportunities for friendship that is more than a meet and greet. Oh, and L. is a midwife now!

It is also amazing to think how much we have grown as people and as a family in the last four years. Both Dearest Husband and I are more present in our own lives than we were before, more active in our health, and more in love than ever. What a blessing that is!

So forgive the rambling update. I have a couple posts brewing in the draft folder that are much more coherent.

Paper Tigers and Teacup Storms

Yesterday my husband made me feel really special. It wasn't in a single gesture or gift or touch, but in a glance. We made eye contact during class, and I smiled, he smiled back and immediately I felt the same wonder as the first time we kissed. That's it. So simple. :)

It happened last night during Bradley class. We practiced relaxing through pain and 1st stage labor positions. This exercise involves self inflicted ice cube torture (holding an ice cube in hand for 1 minute at a time). I thought it was awesome. Dearest cuddled me while I practiced relaxation and meditation.

Here's the thing: all week long I was worried about how I would do in a room full of people (not unlike labor in a hospital) so I practiced at home. Yes, from experience, I can wholeheartedly say that ice cube torture has nothing on the pain of contractions and nothing compares to the excruciating horror of being sliced open in the belly to have a baby extracted BUT I like having practice at meditation and relaxation. It is a skill I really need help with, labor or no.

This week I have also come to understand the image I focus on when meditating. Rural Eastern Colorado, mid summer, clear night. I used to camp out in my aunts back acres, just a sleeping bag and me (or siblings too). The air was cool and forest animals noisy, but the sky was swirled with the Milky Way and in that vastness, that solitude I felt free and safe. Perhaps I am still working through the turmoil of childhood abuse, but it was not constant as I had the safe haven of my aunt and uncle's farm and their love. What does this have to do with birth and labor? I read this week that abuse issues can hamper labor, complicate medical care. In fact, I do tense up severely with certain doctors and situations. So, that being my paper tiger, I am going to work this week on understanding that those people are not my former abusers, nor tools of my abusers, that they are there as my employees and caregivers to assist in my and my baby daughter's safe passage though labor. This time around we do not expect to need, but will still plan for additional hospital security measures. This time we will explain it early on to the head nurse so that we don't encounter problems like last time.

The second type of meditation I have been working on is total sensory awareness of the present moment. This is not relaxing inherently. Noises and textures bug me so I often retreat inside my own head to compensate for the exterior nuisances. During labor, Bradley method suggests being totally present and aware of all the physical sensations and sensory experience. This is what I have to work on. Being present, and not retreated to the depths of my imagination will help me cope with many aspects of everyday life, not just labor.

I think it is time to write our birth plan.

Contemplative

Last night was Bradley class. We did an encouragement exercise and went through the stages of labor. Lots of questions were asked by us and other students. What can go wrong, what steps lead up to interventions, etc.

After class, Dear Husband and I spent a little bit of time in the car driving to get Lil'Bug from Nana's house discussing things. He was concerned that I am over analyzing what went wrong with Lil'Bug's birth and blaming myself for things beyond my control. ???? So we talked. My memory is pretty fuzzy about that day's events, it was interesting to here it from his perspective. The summary of it was this: the fibroids did horrible things that made the chemicals and muscles in my body not able to function in accordance. Labor was impossible with no dilation and zero effacement and yet strong hyper contractions. Add IV chemicals to the mix and it became a dangerous situation. We made the right decision to C-Section to end up with us both healthy.

Does this mean that early on I could have done things differently to have a better outcome? Maybe. The fibroids were pretty established when I got pregnant. I ate well, but not as well as I now know I could have. I didn't exercise, I didn't inform myself of all the possibilities. I simply paid for things that I thought would safeguard us from intervention due to statistics. In reality, nothing could have. Perhaps if I had been informed better I would not have had such postpartum guilt. Perhaps.

Perhaps it is time to release those questions and move on.

The encouragement session was lovely. My husband is amazing and entertaining. When it was my turn to say nice things about him, it all came out wrong. So I will restate it here, for the record:
1) He's been wonderful about helping with meal planning and paying attention to the details. Variety and nutrition have been very important and having a second set of eyes on my weekly plan has really helped. As a bonus, he picks out the most awesome fruit and veggies and knows when they are ripe (I don't). Plus, he helps cook and doesn't complain when I try something new.
2) He is good about taking Lil'Bug out for Daddy/Daughter dates and giving me a chance to catch up at home or work or just rest. We have a tricky balance here of housework and my teaching online and Lil'Bug and Husband taking classes and playing in a band so our partnership is the key to what makes the balance work.
3) He reminds me to do my exercises and helps me to remember to take breaks. He's done his reading too. Every book I set next to the bed for him to read has been read. He's also been amazing when I get emotional and worried and freaked out.

I'm not including here the one thing I said he could do better. We all do that same thing at our house, and it was unfair for me to bring it up in class. I am sorry dear.

Yoga 60 and Menu

I did the whole entire yoga routine, all 60 minutes of it. There was only one pose I couldn't do because my crappy folding chair is the wrong height. Whew. I am zonked and a bit sore and a lot thirsty, but I feel warm and comfortable despite all of that. I also played different music and muted the DVD- the instructor on the program's voice annoys me and my thought was that if I eliminated that I might stick it out longer. Yup. I love the soundtrack to The Piano, by composer Michael Nyman. Lovely.

So the question came up again this week about how and what we eat around here, how we have time to make stuff from scratch, ect. So I thought I'd post our menu for this week:

Dinner:
Sunday: Turkey, mashed potatoes, peas
Monday: Class night, so we ate Planet Sub's food
Tuesday: Whole wheat penne pasta with sausage meatballs and shredded parme and garlic bread (supposed to be Green Bean Schezwan, but missing beans)
Wednesday: Turkey, broccoli (w/ butter, pepper, and lemon), yams (steamed)
Thursday: Steak, acorn squash, snow peas
Friday: Fish (Cod, baked) and crispy oven fries w/ Cajun seasoning
Saturday: Chili

Lunch (Dearest either takes leftovers from the night before or a sandwich fruit combo):
Sunday: Soup, spinach salad
Monday: Cheeseburgers and apples
Tuesday: Cheese Noodles (Parmesan Fettuccine w/extra Parmesan and peas), leftover Planet Sub, chicken nuggets
Wednesday: Leftover pasta and meatballs w/fruit and milk
Thursday: Spinach salad with dark meat turkey
Friday: Peanut butter sandwiches and yogurt (leftover yams)
Saturday: Chicken nuggets with leftover oven fries and

Breakfasts are rotating with one or more of these elements:
Oatmeal with added fruit like apples, raisins, dried cranberries, and/or bananas
Scrambled Eggs with bacon or sausage
Cheerios with milk and fruit on the side
Whole wheat toast with peanut butter and/or raspberry jam

Sometimes I have oatmeal and make bacon too. It depends.

Snacks involve fruit and sometimes peanut butter on one slice of bread folded like a taco or yogurt with fruit add ins. If we are on the go, I slice up fruit and/or put a dry mix of raisins and pretzels and whole wheat goldfish together. Fruit this week included:
Strawberries, grapes, apples, tangelos, cantaloupe, bananas and frozen blueberries.

We drink orange juice, whole hormone free (and local) milk, tea, and water. Dearest also drinks cherry cola and coffee.

Every week I plan the meals so we have a variety of meat and vegetables and fruit. My protein counts are about 110 each day. I drink about 3.25 quarts of fluid, mostly water and whole milk. Desserts are for really special occasions and Lil'Bug can have whatever fruit whenever she wants, usually it is an apple.

So what we eat really isn't that different or odd, just planned and mindful. We eat locally raised, hormone free beef and pork, hormone free chicken, and local hormone free milk. (See a pattern?) We have noticed a difference in our health since we've opted out of hormone laden meat, most significant for me is the reduction of fibroids both in my uterus and breast tissue and I no longer have calcium knots in my hand and toes and ear cartilage. Medical studies have shown links to the artificial hormones to these medical conditions and some cancers.

So there's the details of our food week. Tomorrow I shall post a recipe! :)

Another Baby Update

We had a scheduled Midwife appointment for the glucose test. She's in a new office with new staff and the staff scheduled it too early. I have to wait another 4 weeks. Fine. Lil'Bug wore her doctor coat and everything and was a cute little doll asking questions and ready to help. We did find out why I feel so different in the belly though, the baby is now head down instead of sideways. No wonder I feel so much lighter in the belly- different muscles are being strained. I also talked with the Midwife about my daily food log, she was impressed at my protein counts but reminded me to drink more water because that much protein (which is needed for the baby and placenta) can damage my kidneys. Yike, that's good to remember. Today I will stop and pick up a stainless steel canteen.

So that's what's kicking!

Also, we stopped by a freecycle unschooler open house and struck gold. Lil'Bug got a pair of ice skates and an ocean life book and I got enough new books to keep me reading for the next month! Very cool. We also got a make your own fancy paper kit. I can't wait to play with that one! I'll post a picture later of the loot.

Why I Never Made it To Medical School

I wanted to be a trauma surgeon. I wanted this at such an early age that at age 11 I read an EMT training manual and passed all the practice tests in the back. I doctored animals. At 13, I took basic first aid, at 14 became a hospital volunteer and shadowed the unit nurses and doctors.

Then, I saw blood. Lots of it spurting out of a patient all over the floor. And I saw how people die when they have AIDS. And suffering that couldn't be helped. I was never the same. In the end, I am glad I worked as hard toward the goal as I did so early because I learned so much about myself and my own capabilities. I now have skills many other don't.

But still. Now I can't even watch ER without a little anxiety. So why am I sharing all of this? Last night, during birthing class, a guest speaker Midwife brought a placenta in a bucket. A real, only 24 hours old, placenta.

I didn't realize this at first, I thought we were going to see a plastic model. When they started to arrange the plastic floor mat, I made a joke about the "no BBQ snacks during class" rule (all white furniture and carpet). Ok. Once I realized that what I had said was so TOTALLY inappropriate for what was about to be presented, I went from my usual pasty white to beet red and was mortified at myself. Yup, leave it to me to say the most tasteless thing ever. Gah. In a room full of pregnant people too. Geeze.

So then the paper was laid out and the Midwife lays out the organ. It was huge and bloody and I braced myself for biology lab smell. Surprisingly there was no smell. We learned about nutrition and how protein intake affects the organ, cultural practices involving it, that humans are the only mammal that doesn't eat it, and some of the complications involving placenta in 3rd stage labor. Whew. Seriously, why don't more people take this class? (The picture below and on the left is just a Google search find. Even though I had my camera with me, it didn't occur to me to take a picture.)

The question occurred to me at the end of the presentation to ask, "How do they remove the placenta in a C-Section?" I almost wish I hadn't asked. Flash back of all things awful. The answer is that the surgeon, or whoever, uses a gloved hand and scrapes it out with his or her fingertips. Then Dearest volunteered the memory of when he saw this happen. I just didn't really know that.

My reflections on the class? The placenta was from a successful VBAC. Wow. The original cord had a true knot (that part was cut off?) and we learned about that too. We also shared recipes and talked nutrition some more. It was the first time I really thought about how my nutrition might have impacted my last trimester with Lil'Bug and led to the C-Section. She was 9 lbs 6 oz when she was born and I had mega fibroids restricting contractions. Nutrition has helped me this time around manage fibroid growth and keep June Bug's projected birth weight normal. Not just eating well through pregnancy, but eating well the past 4 years, better even the last 3. So, that's about it.

Also, apparently I am OCD about menu tracking and food log. I was not the only one who tracked foods, but ingredients and protein counts too, but in great detail daily. I also do the exercises daily, though the yoga for 20 minutes only twice a week. I am working on that.

If I hadn't said this before: Thank you Sarah, for linking to the classes on your website and mentioning it on your blog. I never would have found it otherwise and it is an amazing experience.

I missed it

I missed the Cloth Diaper Crowd's "garage sale". I am really bummed. I meant to go, I put it on my calendar, then the day came and went. Stupid calendar.

Really, what I wanted to do was see what was what. They have these fancy, just like disposables but you wash them, all in ones. Also, there are variations in between that and folded cloth squares. I just wanted to see and then maybe get some cheap diapers too. But, alas, I missed it.

Well, 4 more months to check it out!

Making

Making progress:

I am experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over the Wii purchase. Sure, we made the decision for all the right reasons.....BUT.....

I grew up in a house with video games and violence and heartache.

I banished video games from my home because it was easier than looking at the big picture. Until this week I never explored this in my processing. I have always just said to myself, not in my home. I never related that we all had our coping strategies to deal with our childhood violent and unpredictable household.

My banishment of gaming is no less of a control issue. In reality games are a tool and we have worked hard to create a loving, gentle home. So I released that anxiety. I am also a little sad about the memories I explored today for meaning, but a little sad is way better than freaked out anxiety + 20 anger.

Tea time! Move on, clean cup!


Moving on, we made butter today in the food processor. That's how this place said to. Yeah, no. Next time I will use my mixer. The butter got too thick for the processor at one point; once it clabbered it was fine, but the heavy cream goo stage almost killed my new toy. Also, easier to move the bowl to drain the goo if it is in the mixer bowl AND since you have to use the bowl anyway for the end steps, using the mixer will mean less to clean up. Here's the pic:


We played pirates today. We kidnapped baby dolls and fed them chicken noodle (she doesn't say it noonel anymore...wahhhhhhh!) instead of dog hair stew and booger pie (what I told her pirates fed their captives, he he). Lil'Bug insists that she is a nice pirate. This is her ship and sail:


AND....that's pretty much our day. There was a dinner disaster where I had trouble cutting the roast up and splattered meat blood all over everything and then forgot to add water to the enchilada simmering beef mass (supposed to be strips) and so it is definitely not going to be ready for consumption anytime soon, or possibly just not for dinner tonight. Yup, that's just the domestic goddess that I am.

*edited to add: dinner was saved by some creative thinking on Dearest Husband's part plus a casserole dish. It was yummy, but too savory for my pregnant heartburn prone system. Gah. When did that happen? (Um, the prone to heartburn thing, I mean....)

Wii and Childbirthing

A two for one post.

We decided, with almost the same wording, to get a Wii. While I posted on my blog, Dearest Husband posted almost word for word the same thing on a gaming (RPG) forum the same inquiry. So, it is done. It is ordered. It will be about a month, but a good deal and no line waiting. He ordered the family pack and then we intend to get Endless Ocean too.

Ok, so then.....first childbirth class last night. Wow. Last time we took "Childbirth Express" through the hospital because we thought we knew a bunch already and we were really busy. I think we covered last night, the first of 8 classes, more than the whole class we took last time AND it was basically a meet and greet/ syllabus review. Geesh. We did physical exercise positioning too and I learned that I was doing the tail bone "wagging" thing totally wrong.

Dearest Husband kept me entertained. During the relaxation work we were instructed to work on a calming story that we share for him to retell to me. I looked at him with concern. "We don't have a story," I whispered and then tensed up. He leaned down and whispered in my ear something that I never expected. It was hilarious and I almost screeched with giggles. (Dearest, if you'd like to share, post it in the comments.) I love him. It was probably the only kind thing he could of said to relax me too.

I love the class. We are really getting a lot of information. Funny thing is- it is the only such class in Central Iowa and there are only 5 couples in attendance? How sad is that. I really wish we'd had this available to us last time, not that it would have changed anything but my attitude/guilt post op.

Blogger still is fritzy. Is anyone else having trouble?

Monday on a Tuesday

After I posted yesterday, we headed to an OB appointment. Everything is well and good. The report came back on the fibroid, it is small, has grown but not significantly. The docs don't think it will interfere in the VBAC. I am so thrilled at the medical support I am getting for my choice to VBAC! I got the ok for the Yoga I want to do and asked questions about the Bradley exercises that I am confused about.

Oh, and about that- We have decided to take the Bradley classes and there is absolutely no problem with that. They think it is great and recommended the local teacher. With the rumors circulating locally, it was a relief to hear that.

Baby's heart rate is 150/min. My weight gain is perfect, as is my BP.

So then we headed downtown to the historical museum. That was fun. It had been a while since Lil'Bug and I went someplace new without an entourage of other homeschoolers. While that has value, so does walking slowly through exhibits with one on one attention from each other. There is a new exhibit that is 100+ year old nature and animal dioramas. I'd seen them in the basement archival storage when I worked at the museum, spent lunch times walking around down there with the curator, but it was all new to Lil'Bug and she was really engaged. They have preserved owlets and fox cubs and all sorts of birds that we would likely never see up close. We walked through the trash and recycling exhibit and talked about waste too. All in all, just 45 minutes, but it was lovely.

Then we went home and made Chicken "Noonel" soup. Shortly after we popped in a movie and settled in. My headache was only getting worse and ice packs were no help. Lil'Bug got up and headed to the kitchen. That usually means trouble, but when I finally got up to go after her I found her with all her paint stuff set up and ready to go. "Mama, I was waiting for you to pour the paints!" Indeed she was, very patiently. I got down my paints and canvas and we painted for about an hour. We talked and sipped tea and painted self portraits on our canvases. It didn't make my headache go away, but I was really feeling connected to the small one.

So, then we did NOT clean up and instead grabbed a bucket of strawberries and headed back to the TV room to watch Arthur and snuggle. Soon, Dearest Husband came home- he had a headache too. We made dinner together and played as a family. Soon, I thought it was bedtime and Lil'Bug and I settled in. I fell asleep, tornado tot headed back downstairs to play with Daddy for another few hours.

I woke up at midnight and my headache was gone. All was quiet and sleepy and a thunderstorm was rumbling. The pressure had been released, I went back to sleep.

Evil Sniffles, Fish Juice, and Car Safety

The evil sniffles have almost left my tiny daughter's body, we'll see what happens (resurgence?) after she gets home this afternoon from a trip, her first, to Chuck E. Cheese with her grandparents. I am not a germaphobe BUT our local Cheese leaves much to be desired AND Lil'Bug does not do well around animatronic characters (ei nightmares for weeks/months about "Dr. Faucet" and "Her Grossness" from the Grossology exhibit at the Science Center.....) so we will see how she does- rather we will hear about it when she gets home.

*UPDATE: She didn't go the Cheese! MIL took my concerns seriously and postponed the trip. :)

Fish Juice. What else would you call it? Last night while shopping Lil'Bug grabbed a Tropicana Omega 3 juice carton and put it in our cart. My curiosity led me to pick it up and read the ingredients (how did they add O-3 to juice? for that matter how do they get it into eggs? it's a fish product.....). Um. Yeah, in case you did not visit the link or missed the little print:

Ingredients: 100% pure pasturized orange juice and MEG-3* (fish oil and fish gelatin). *Ingredient not found in regular orange juice: contains tilapia, sardine, and anchovy.

If you click on the tilapia link, you'll see a detailed informational site that pretty much explains why I don't eat tilapia anymore. I am on a quest to get the Omega-3 in my diet more but I have to draw the line at adding such to my orange juice. Perhaps it is just a thing I do, reading labels and understanding them. Anchovies/Sardines in my salad dressing, I can live with- but what's next?

Ok, then there's the funny thing: Lil'Bug asked me to strap Purple Baby into a car seat, but we had groceries on the seat so she asked if I could strap her in with me. Sure. What I didn't realize was that I did. The doll was buckled resting right on my gravid belly and I didn't notice until we got home. It was a good laugh for all. At least my fuzzy brain defaults to caring for and the safety of small humanoid things.

Pregnancy Salad

Spinach greens (more or less about a cup full chopped)
Dried cranberries and or cherries
Parmesan cheese (shredded not grated) 1/4 cup
Whole wheat seasoned croutons 1/8 cup
Bite sized fresh apple chunks 1/4 cup
Meat of choice (Bacon, chicken, ham, leftover pork chop...all work pretty good) 1/4 cup
Caesar dressing (the kind made with anchovy oil, oh, and thank you to BIL (Uncle J.) for pointing out the ingredient!)

Serves 2 as meal (or hungry me and little tot). I came up with this as a way to meet the pregnancy diet requirements of spinach greens and fish (anchovies are ok, but kinda yucky- unless it is in salad dressing!) AND then to meet my craving for cranberries and apples. With this meal I knock out a bunch of the requirements all at once. Oh, and it is pretty yummy too. I can play with the ingredients for variety and what is on hand as long as I keep the dressing and the spinach. Also, I accidentally got Arugula greens instead of spinach last week and learned that THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!!!! Yuck.

Lil'Bug loves it. She asked to try it with out the "fish goo" dressing and now asks to have it for lunch too. That is wonderful since I hated making separate meals and I really like sharing with her yummy healthy food. Good example and all that. I figured she would pick out the bits she likes and leave the spinach, but she eats it all! Whoo hoo!

I did it. I gave in.

I bought the Gap jeans.

Why? Because I went 4 sizes up and NOTHING was comfortable. These jeans should last the rest of the pregnancy (full belly panel, but folds down) and after if I get sliced up in the belly. Everything I owned seemed to cut off circulation except the one summer dress (that's it in the picture) and goodness knows I can't wear that in the winter in Iowa unless I crank our heat up to 80 and then we'd spend so much on heat bills that I could buy like 200 pairs of Gap jeans for the same money spent. Also, I would never leave the house. Cute dress, but, yeah, no.

So I headed out to the mall with Lil'Bug. The ladies at the store were super nice. Especially when I discovered that I am 4 sizes bigger. They reassured me that the cut is different in the style I was trying on. Sure. Whatever. Baby=big butt. It is a fact. Aunt Bee went with me and we had a splendid time. No playplace incidents, no melt downs, lovely cheesecake and tea. Good times. Thank you, Aunt Bee.

Despite all that, today I feel normal and not bloated and not grubby and not inhuman. Gravid, yes. I have a big day ahead. The last of the online students will be loaded in the system which means I have to get busy finishing up the assignments for the year. I have to take my car back in because the service light is on. It is library and IHE meeting day (Yay!). I am making Chicken Milanese for dinner.....yum.