Release heartache, tension, and bottled up emotions. Sounds simple, so simple....it is anything but.
I still hold on to resentment about how I grew up and how I was or wasn't treated. It was awful. Painful. All that. Would make a great Lifetime movie I'm sure. But I walked away from it 10 years ago. A decade. Well, maybe not all of it. The most toxic person took a little longer to get away from mostly because of the proximity of location and relation, it was only 4 years ago. Still, years. Releasing myself from the hatred and anger does not mean I will forget or reestablish contact- but it should free me from a lot of stress and tension and fear, both of which hinder my creative potential. Forgiveness? Yeah, I'm not there yet.
More recently, this past summer, I had a falling out with a very close friend. At the end of the confrontations, I felt used and betrayed and unloved. Why? It was rather one sided and all the emotional heartache was heaped on me. Because of this I am having a harder time trusting and settling into new friendships. I am also angry at myself for missing the obvious. I need to release this and let it go. I spent 2o years of my life closed up from people, afraid of what they would think of me. Then, I only let my husband in. When I opened myself up to this friend I was very vulnerable and suffered for poor choices. Sure, I took a small step and failed, that does not mean I should sit down and give up! Recently I have been blessed with plenty of wonderful opportunities to connect with people and establish safe, supportive, nurturing relationships....no small grace. I need to embrace this and not cower away from it.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same (The Fray). In all of the above things, I looked at the big picture, the health of everyone involved, and made a choice. A choice we have to live with. I don't regret my actions, I need to release myself from the questioning. It is done, I need to move on. Just writing this brought on a tension headache. This part, this release is a bit like grieving. I've been grieving for years, it is time for a new beginning.
Wednesday 2 January 2008
Release: Part 2, Emotional Well Being
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
Release: Part 1, Stuff
Release my attachment to stuff/junk. This is the easy part, right? De-cluttering is really an economic privilege, you have to have stuff and be able to do without it. But I am a curbside junk-aholic. I have grand visions of what things could be. I also have a strange attraction to clearance sales or cheap crap- like a crow collecting pretty, shiny things. I need to develop an attachment to my bank account balance instead. This also means that when I have actual need for something, like dining room chairs, there might be money for it.
Release the extra things people give me. I am also sentimental about gifts, even if I don't need them. I need to say no. I need to take on less.
Release the desire to go shopping. I hate shopping, yet I am drawn to it as the first response to a need- any need and then I buy more than I need. I need to look around and really make sure that I don't have something that will fill that need. Getting organized will help this, since usually I can't find the things I need even if I do have them.
See this is the easy one. We will choose the quality pieces of furniture and items to take with us when we move and all else will be sold or given away. We started with 75 bins in storage and are down to less than half of that. We started with a house jammed full of furniture and last summer downed it to two bedroom sets (from 4-5?). We really have uncluttered, but I can hardly tell! This is so frustrating to me. Moving will help, but you can't wave a wand and get a lifestyle. We need to learn it now. We clear a space or a surface and within days it is full of stuff again (flylady calls these hot-spots, whatever, volcanoes of junk is more like it!). So, I must release the goblin who keeps doing this inside me and just take care of it.
Release the extra things people give me. I am also sentimental about gifts, even if I don't need them. I need to say no. I need to take on less.
Release the desire to go shopping. I hate shopping, yet I am drawn to it as the first response to a need- any need and then I buy more than I need. I need to look around and really make sure that I don't have something that will fill that need. Getting organized will help this, since usually I can't find the things I need even if I do have them.
See this is the easy one. We will choose the quality pieces of furniture and items to take with us when we move and all else will be sold or given away. We started with 75 bins in storage and are down to less than half of that. We started with a house jammed full of furniture and last summer downed it to two bedroom sets (from 4-5?). We really have uncluttered, but I can hardly tell! This is so frustrating to me. Moving will help, but you can't wave a wand and get a lifestyle. We need to learn it now. We clear a space or a surface and within days it is full of stuff again (flylady calls these hot-spots, whatever, volcanoes of junk is more like it!). So, I must release the goblin who keeps doing this inside me and just take care of it.
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
New Years Revolutions
Resolutions don't work for me. They never have. I forget about them round about January 7th. So here is something different: Resolution Revolution.
Easy enough. Now for my word......Relax? Do? De-clutter? Ugh. Gah. No? It needs to be something simple. Like breathing. But breathing doesn't work as a word. What about.....slow? Or patience? No. I need something that encompasses it all.
Release? Hmmmm. Yes. I like it. I know it is what the article used, but I will turn it to my own purposes. Thank you Stephanie for this challenge! Oh and thank you for the award too!
The next 5 days I will post a piece of my challenge.
Easy enough. Now for my word......Relax? Do? De-clutter? Ugh. Gah. No? It needs to be something simple. Like breathing. But breathing doesn't work as a word. What about.....slow? Or patience? No. I need something that encompasses it all.
Release? Hmmmm. Yes. I like it. I know it is what the article used, but I will turn it to my own purposes. Thank you Stephanie for this challenge! Oh and thank you for the award too!
The next 5 days I will post a piece of my challenge.
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
Baby Update!
We had our monthly (17 week) appointment Monday and all is well. Weight gain is acceptable, though I first weighed with a full bladder and bulk sweater so a second weigh at the end showed more what our home scale was indicating. Then it occurred to me that I don't know how much I am supposed to be gaining, just what is not acceptable. I will look that up today. BP is great, everything else checked out, AND we had an ultrasound. Why? Because I like them. I know and understand why many women are vehemently opposed to them, but I like seeing the baby squirm and wiggle and I like to know everything is ok. Everything is ok! Also, now we know which name group to pick from. ;)
It is a little early to say 100% sure, but the tech said her bet is on girl! (There's no extra stuff.) Lil'Bug gets a sister! It's what she wanted for her birthday and every wish she's made since.
Now for the name game at Chez Podkayne. Same as what we did for Lil'Bug. We'll debate and look through our favorite fiction and botanical books and shout names at each other randomly over a period of months and then one day we will turn to each other and say at the same time, "How about ____?" and then, "Yes! That's it!" in a chorus. We just have to wait for that moment.
When I get my camera back, I'll try and post a belly photo. I'm getting big already! OH AND NEAT FACT: 17-19 weeks is one of the biggest growth spurts in the little one's life! (Could explain the migraines I've been getting......) Baby is kicking and dancing a lot this week. I started playing They Might Be Giants though the ipod tucked in my waistband. She seems to like it!
It is a little early to say 100% sure, but the tech said her bet is on girl! (There's no extra stuff.) Lil'Bug gets a sister! It's what she wanted for her birthday and every wish she's made since.
Now for the name game at Chez Podkayne. Same as what we did for Lil'Bug. We'll debate and look through our favorite fiction and botanical books and shout names at each other randomly over a period of months and then one day we will turn to each other and say at the same time, "How about ____?" and then, "Yes! That's it!" in a chorus. We just have to wait for that moment.
When I get my camera back, I'll try and post a belly photo. I'm getting big already! OH AND NEAT FACT: 17-19 weeks is one of the biggest growth spurts in the little one's life! (Could explain the migraines I've been getting......) Baby is kicking and dancing a lot this week. I started playing They Might Be Giants though the ipod tucked in my waistband. She seems to like it!
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
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