Birth and Doulas and Centering

I love the idea of Doulas. I now have two that will be attending June Bug's birth. The idea of having dedicated care providers that are my employees, that's only part of it. I also long for the idea of being surrounded by friends and family for the blessed event, but that may not be possible if things go awry. During C-Section prep last time only the Doula could stay with me and I was glad to have someone I knew holding my hand. Things got crazy. I am glad to have the small comforts.

Birth is a complicated issue for me. At times I am full of anxiety and mistrust and at others I feel fully empowered to complete the cycle. Things did not go as I planned with Lil'Bug, complications made things scary. This time, feels different. I feel different about many things, more confident and more knowledgeable, but there is still the unknown waiting out there. I read in a kids adventure book recently- one character said to another, "If you feel confident, it is merely because there is something you don't know. Fear can save your life." Or something like that.

So I ordered more books, looked into classes again. I sat down and thought about it. I talked with Dearest Husband. It is too early to stress out about what we don't know will happen.

I am doing better with the de-stress meditation, I bought a lovely pendant today to work as a worry stone, it is Carnelina and Imperial Jasper in a pumpkin orange with a purple vein. My favorite colour combination. It was handmade by a dear friend, that makes it even more special.Will a small pretty make a big difference? Maybe. With Lil'Bug I had a pendant I wore through pregnancy of opal and amethyst and I will give it to her on her 18th birthday. I wanted the same small token to give June Bug. It is very pretty and feels perfect on my neck.

Nesting

I hit (according to the many baby books laying around here) month 5 this week. I can hardly believe it!!!

Over the weekend I packed my hospital bag. Why not? Better to be prepared than not. I got most of the stuff for Christmas and PJ's were on clearance at the mall. So it's done.

Last night I cleaned and cleaned the house. Today, more of the same. We have tracked so much mud in that it is hard to keep up. Then my classes started. I thought, "What?! My break is over?! No fair!" and then "Agh! My class website isn't done! AND they loaded students in already? Agh!"

So I have been running full speed since about 4 pm Sunday, taking breaks to clean when my mactop battery needs a charge. No time to even look sideways at the camera. However, my photo challenge has some beautiful and inspiring participation. Check it out! (I'll post mine soon....)

Other thoughts that have caught me off guard today: it is warm outside, warm for January in Iowa. The snow is melting, there is a flood warning, and it rained. Thunderstorms and fog expected tonight. Not really all that surprising but what caught me was this- the smell. The earth and green things smell alive, like they are waking up. It reminds me of Christmas in Louisiana from my childhood. Muddy and slow, still cold, a damp cold that goes right to the core. Time for some gumbo ya ya. It will take me a few days to gather ingredients.

Back to nesting!

Twinkle Lights

Twinkle lights. That's how it started, this migraine. My eyes swam with little blinking lights and then suddenly every sound was like a freight train and when I closed my eyes it was like watching a lava lamp. It took me down hard. I haven't had a migraine for years, tension headaches but not full on migraines.

I feel better now, mostly. Hungry. Tired. Blank.

On a happy note: my camera is back (well, the replacement they sent)! I can't wait to get it out and reprogram the settings. ;)

Baby Update!

We had our monthly (17 week) appointment Monday and all is well. Weight gain is acceptable, though I first weighed with a full bladder and bulk sweater so a second weigh at the end showed more what our home scale was indicating. Then it occurred to me that I don't know how much I am supposed to be gaining, just what is not acceptable. I will look that up today. BP is great, everything else checked out, AND we had an ultrasound. Why? Because I like them. I know and understand why many women are vehemently opposed to them, but I like seeing the baby squirm and wiggle and I like to know everything is ok. Everything is ok! Also, now we know which name group to pick from. ;)

It is a little early to say 100% sure, but the tech said her bet is on girl! (There's no extra stuff.) Lil'Bug gets a sister! It's what she wanted for her birthday and every wish she's made since.

Now for the name game at Chez Podkayne. Same as what we did for Lil'Bug. We'll debate and look through our favorite fiction and botanical books and shout names at each other randomly over a period of months and then one day we will turn to each other and say at the same time, "How about ____?" and then, "Yes! That's it!" in a chorus. We just have to wait for that moment.

When I get my camera back, I'll try and post a belly photo. I'm getting big already! OH AND NEAT FACT: 17-19 weeks is one of the biggest growth spurts in the little one's life! (Could explain the migraines I've been getting......) Baby is kicking and dancing a lot this week. I started playing They Might Be Giants though the ipod tucked in my waistband. She seems to like it!

Things Take the Time They Take

Bread must rise..... The cake must bake..... Things take..... The time they take....

That little poem is in a Beauty and the Beast Disney early reader book. It is a fitting reminder for many of us right now. My camera will eventually be fixed or replaced, Lil'Bug will learn to read and recite numbers when people prompt her (or give a catty response in the stead), J. will eventually propose to my anxious sister, wounds will heal, hearts will mend......

Things take the time they take.

I often get impatient. I was anxious to conceive Lil'Bug and again this time. Then when it happened I shared right away. THEN 9 months is soooo very long to wait. Though I would not wish an early delivery. There are plenty of things we must do to prepare. My body must prepare, my family must get ready, ect. The new seed takes time to grow into a sapling, into a tree, and then into a grand old tribute.

When you bake a cake, you can't just turn up the heat and expect it to be ready to eat sooner and opening the door to check on it can ruin it too. When I wanted Dearest Husband to propose to me, he didn't. And I cried. Then I thought, for sure now, but he didn't. Every time I was upset- it actually seemed to delay the proposal more. What this really did accomplish was it made our days sad and miserable, irritated Dearest Husband, and in general decreased our quality of life and affected how much we enjoyed each other's company. However, the delay was really a very good thing. By the time he proposed, we owned our own home, I was steady in my studies at school, we could afford the wedding we wanted without burdening our families, and various other good things. It also came down to trust. I needed to trust my future husband to make the decision when he was ready to- I was ready at that first kiss, but that does not mean that WE were ready to make that commitment financially or emotionally. So often I forgot that there was more than just me in that equation.

Somethings just take time to learn. Somethings come with age or with experience. Patience is something we try to teach Lil'Bug, when something is difficult- go slower. I don't drill her on the ABC's or it could irritate her and she will become a reluctant learner. She knows her letters and numbers but has yet to understand the value in the performance aspect of recitation when homeschool doubters drill her to answer questions. She's 3. Do I intend to send her to preschool just so she can learn recitation and compliance? No. That will come to her in time. In the meantime I will continue to let her learn from life at her own pace and joy. Rushing things would ruin that.

Yesterday I really made life miserable for my family with my impatience. I want my camera to work now, not three weeks from now. I am very frustrated. Should that dampen my participation in family life, should not getting to photo document our day ruin the festivities? No, not one bit. I want my house to sell right now, but it's not ready. I want to live on a farm RIGHT NOW- never mind that moving and house hunting while pregnant is an additional stress that I do not need. I want all the laundry to be done but it will always be a lurking pile of a chore, eh? We are about to celebrate our 9 year wedding anniversary- sometimes it seems that the days just flew by. Indeed they did.

Mostly, I want happiness for all my friends and family. That will come easier to all if we all embrace some patience and enjoy each day as it arrives and passes. Just some thoughts for the day....

Motherhood Shopping Musings

I bought jeans at the local Motherhood store. They were $16. Whoo Hoo! I thought since I saved so much that I would look around. The sales lady pointed at some sweaters and then, very kindly, pointed out that my underbelly was already sticking out of my current ensemble, perhaps I'd consider a sweater or top to go with my jeans? I was mortified. I had no idea that bare skin was hanging out below my sweater. Really, with the new jeans and the belly panel it is not an issue, but for my underbelly pants it is. Gah. She was so nice about it, but still.

This week I plan to sort my closet and find the bigger sweaters that I know I have. No need to spend additional money on clothes that are one season! Did you know on the list of must haves for expecting mother's wardrobe is a BOW FRONT SHIRT! I mean that is so 1970's isn't it? Yes, the ugly giant bow on the front of an empire waisted shirt in some pastel puke color. Fine if you like that sort of thing, but why is it on the must have list with jeans and underwear? LOL. So I have jeans. I will wear them almost exclusively until the end when I turn into a giant hippo and then I will find a mu-mu. Last time the one I had was butter yellow and my family called me the butter cow. It was too funny.

I just priced cloth diapers and while they are cheaper than disposables in the long run, the up front cost is daunting. I figure that we will likely do a hybrid use approach. Did you know that you are supposed to flush poop out of the disposables before tossing them in the diaper pail? No seriously. I did not know that nor do I know anyone who used disposables that did that. But it is true, it says so one on their website and packaging. Apparently it is not just the plastic and space consumption in the landfill that is bad, but the watershed contamination with fecal. I had a student in the nursing program write a paper about it this semester- fascinating stuff.

So I've decided to register for stuff after all- just not sure how or where just yet. There is time after all! I want to see how much I can get at Spring garage sales first.