Rainy Day

Lil'Bug almost slept through the night. She woke up around 4:30 am scared of the dark or a nightmare. Unfortunately, she gets that from me. From a very young age, I suffered from night terrors and nightmares. Our first year living together I would wake up with Dearest Husband came home from work (around 1am) and we would argue- I didn't remember, don't remember a single bit of it. Once he realized I was actually sleeping, he found ways to diffuse the situation.

Now my nightmares are the more regular kind, a little like showing up at exam day in pajamas, they all revolve around a second life- one I would have lived had my choices been different, a horrible, hurtful, unhappy life. This morning I woke up full of gratitude for the life I do live. Full to the brim. I am so blessed to be having children inside a happy family with a loving, supportive partner. I am blessed to have friends near and far supporting me in ways I never expected. Blessed to have the time and resources to explore my and my children's interests. I am blessed to have stepped out of the dark fog of depression that haunted me on and off this past year, cleared in no small part due to the above.

I wish I knew what Lil'Bug was dreaming about.

Today it is raining. It is dark out and wet. Today I am mopping floors. I found a new to us brand of floor cleaner at Target, supposed to be non-toxic so tot can help. Smells like almonds. I bought a matching wood polish, so the furniture will get wiped down too. I am also organizing and unjunking drawers today. I got frustrated cleaning this weekend because every time I tried to find a home for something, drawers were full. Every drawer was a junk drawer!! No more. Now I even have empty drawers. The kitchen island and cubbies are getting done today.

Breaking these tasks into doable segments is really helping. First I organized my back bedroom and turned it into a creative studio (craft room). Lil'Bug has her kitchen corner in there too. I moved all my creative things in there. Now they have a home. That took days. Second I organized the toys. Doing this impacted the entire house and Lil'Bug is so happy that she can find things again. She likes it so much that she is trying to help keep stuff together and picked up. We do a pick up of her room at bedtime or in the afternoon. Whenever she wants. Then I cleared off the dining room table. Wow. That really accumulated things from Christmas crafts, holiday mail, you name it. It was Grand Central Station for all of our creativeness. I did that yesterday. It seems pretty small, but each day, doing something small but impactful is actually working. After breakfast, I clean up the dishes and do a round of laundry. I'm not spending much time doing the deep cleaning each day and yet it is getting done.

By the time I am finished, it will be time to prepare the garden!

*edited to add* the floor cleaner sucks. It smells pretty but is ineffective. I think I'll do a traditional mop down with Murphy's oil soap and then go over it with this stuff just to use it up and for the smell. Gah. Maybe it would be better if I was just dust mopping and not dredging mud.

Nesting

I hit (according to the many baby books laying around here) month 5 this week. I can hardly believe it!!!

Over the weekend I packed my hospital bag. Why not? Better to be prepared than not. I got most of the stuff for Christmas and PJ's were on clearance at the mall. So it's done.

Last night I cleaned and cleaned the house. Today, more of the same. We have tracked so much mud in that it is hard to keep up. Then my classes started. I thought, "What?! My break is over?! No fair!" and then "Agh! My class website isn't done! AND they loaded students in already? Agh!"

So I have been running full speed since about 4 pm Sunday, taking breaks to clean when my mactop battery needs a charge. No time to even look sideways at the camera. However, my photo challenge has some beautiful and inspiring participation. Check it out! (I'll post mine soon....)

Other thoughts that have caught me off guard today: it is warm outside, warm for January in Iowa. The snow is melting, there is a flood warning, and it rained. Thunderstorms and fog expected tonight. Not really all that surprising but what caught me was this- the smell. The earth and green things smell alive, like they are waking up. It reminds me of Christmas in Louisiana from my childhood. Muddy and slow, still cold, a damp cold that goes right to the core. Time for some gumbo ya ya. It will take me a few days to gather ingredients.

Back to nesting!

Flash Back

That's a pun. I'm going to write today about my long love affair with cameras and pictures.

When I was 12 or so I got my father's old Nikon. Where we lived there were no classes on how to use it and the teenage at the local 1 hour developer was absolutely no help. I would take the pictures and cross my fingers something good would come of it. Sometimes I'd get 1 good picture. I tried black and white film- same results. I longed for someone to show me how.

I dreamed of becoming a photographer for National Geographic. Then we moved to Iowa and the local high school had a college level photography program....that there was a waiting list for and I did not have a chance of getting into. No money either so no class. I took up painting instead, hoping to capture the frames of my imagination in that medium instead.

Fast forward to 2001: my first job out of college I was trained on a Nikon CoolPix digital. DIGITAL! Oh man. I could see the photos as I was taking them. No long wait to see if anything came out. Seriously a huge thing for me.....but a $1,000 camera. So when my job ended so did my access to that dream. I was crushed. (Not to mention that the job is still one I list as the sweetest job ever- driving around rural Iowa taking pictures of historic houses and writing up briefs about them.....talking to people about the value of their properties, grants and resources available to them......ah, yes.)

Lately I would click "camera used" on Flicker when the other mamas posted pictures and then I would drool over mega pixels and picture settings.........and then I would continue on with my camera envy.

So for Christmas of this year, Dearest Husband purchased me my dream camera. What a guy! It was disappointing that it stopped working, but in reality that has just made me more grateful when the replacement came. Now I am going to learn how to use it.

But wait, there's more! Nikon has a monthly challenge for a photo on a theme. I'm going to do the same. No prizes, but fun. So I will post a theme, you post your picture and then a message on my post linking to your post. Make sense? Ah, and they will all be home and family and learning related. Feel free to post a challenge suggestion too!

This week's challenge? Warmth. (I know vague, but simple!)

Twinkle Lights

Twinkle lights. That's how it started, this migraine. My eyes swam with little blinking lights and then suddenly every sound was like a freight train and when I closed my eyes it was like watching a lava lamp. It took me down hard. I haven't had a migraine for years, tension headaches but not full on migraines.

I feel better now, mostly. Hungry. Tired. Blank.

On a happy note: my camera is back (well, the replacement they sent)! I can't wait to get it out and reprogram the settings. ;)