Don't Feed The Fears

We started this day thinking it was Sample Sunday market day. I had the dates confused. Lily was very sad to find out my mistake so we went to church, then I took her to lunch, and when we got home we made dinner together.

Then we headed out, just the two of us on a walk and to the pond.

Lily on the boat is not big news. Lily is a natural. She loves fishing, swimming, just being outside. I do too, mostly. The problem is boats. I hate boats. I hate being on them.

 Lily was calm and reassuring. Why? Because this, being on a boat, scares the crap out of me.

But goodness, we have this gorgeous pond in our back yard. I have three beautiful children to model being a capable, rational human being for. Tonight I decided to get over this fear of mine.

This fear is rooted in my childhood. My family also loved the water. I would have to go along. I would get sunburned, really bad sunburned. I have scars from it on my chest.

We took a rafting trip when I was a teenager. It was the trip from hell. All I wanted to do was read a book and be left alone. 8 hours on a raft in a polluted stinky river with the wind blowing upstream all in the name of bonding. It was incredibly disrespectful to me as a human being to force close quarter interaction with people that didn't like me, doing an activity that caused me pain (sunburn), when I was old enough to be left at home. Eventually, I got out and pushed that raft from hell downstream to our exit point. I also got a raging urinary tract infection that lasted weeks. Horror show.

No wonder I hate boats and rafts and murky water.

Tonight, that is over for me. I am choosing to get on the boat with this beautiful young lady who does not hate me, who finds joy in the water and my company.  I am capable. Bonus was that rowing, something I have never done before, is good exercise.

I survived. I did better than that. I thrived. We floated in the middle, watched wood ducks in their nesting tree, the sun set, turtles splashed, and we laughed and talked and laughed.....on a boat. I am so blessed by this child and her sense of humour and wisdom.

Tonight I healed a little bit more.

Happy

Happy.

Happy is a difficult thing to describe. My aunt asked me today if I am happy. Oh yes. Yes I am.

Happy is full of things that are hard to explain for me though. I am happy that my kids are healthy right now in this moment.

I am blessed to come home to a beautiful farm in a geographic area of some of the Earth's most fertile farmland.

I can see the sunrise and sunsets over an amazing landscape and understand the beauty of it.

I can hear all the crazy noises of the countryside and know what they are.

My husband loves me and he respects me. Every time he says something to this topic on face book or in conversation, I am startled and humbled. Sometimes I don't see or frame out the enormity of some of the things I have accomplished, it is amazing and wonderful to have someone be proud about things I have done and mean it. My children pick up on that and repeat these sentiments daily and that makes a huge difference in relationship and parenting.

I love my house. I have lived in and worked on and even loved other houses, but this one is different. This one is well built, practical, and beautiful all at the same time. It fits me. I love the light through the windows. I love the colour on the walls. I love the Southern view from my dining room. I love it. That has made it easier to let go of the Hatton House and her legacy.

I am writing again. I'm not sharing it publicly yet. Yes, I am blogging daily again, but I am also writing poetry again. I have not done that in 10 years and it is a big deal to me artistically and personally. Writing fills me up. My mindset is slipping back into artistic thinking, playing with word phrasing and rhythms through the day, paying attention to sounds and thoughts and structure. This has grounded me in many ways and washed over me with calm. I am also craving time at the keyboard or with my notebooks. I am making that time happen twice a day.

I have surrounded myself with women who are mentors, wise women, kind, and funny. I did a hatchet job murdering the drama and crap and toxic blah out of my life and that has left wounds that are still healing, but still, needed to be done. Like irritating zombies, though, it still creeps in the night. Bring it. Hatchet ready. Git Off Me Lawn. Seriously though, I have met and cultivated relationships with some amazing women and I am really cherishing our conversations. This has helped the most in my happiness factor. For many years I have been so lonely and struggled finding open minded, compassionate friends.  These last three, a handful have carried me through Isaac's pregnancy and diagnosis and helped me learn the language of special needs parenting. For that, I am deeply grateful, forever and always.

I am happy. I am ok with dishes in the sink. I have two washing machines and can keep up with laundry washing (not folding yet though) most weeks. I only have one room left that has an unpainted corner. Goodness that bothers me.

I am happy that Isaac is walking. I am flooded with joy and almost moved to tears when he toddles around a corner saying, Mama Mama Mama Mama...... I love that sound. That is happy.

Happy is the way Holly lights up when she runs into ballet class. As soon as her feet hit the floor of the studio, her face lights up, she spins and leaps, and becomes Holly!!!! I love watching her dance.

Happy is Lily elbow deep in clay, throwing bowls in clay class. Isaac playing drums. Holly explaining why she loves yellow and ice cream. Happy is Chad fishing, a fresh new peach pie recipe hot out of the oven, getting a standing ovation at dinner over a new pork ribs recipe, finding a wild plum tree loaded with fruit, harvesting tomatoes, eating frozen starfruit, chasing fireflies in the blue hour, believing in unicorns still and always.

What I am trying to tell is a story of these moments, being in these moments, as they flit away like dandelion seeds in the summer wind, just not knowing where we are going, but loving where we are now. A little fear that this is too perfectly happy and will somehow end taunts me at night when I should be sleeping, but I whisper and sooth that voice in the dark back to sleep and keep on living this dream while it lasts.

Chili & How I Store My Beans & Rices, Wordless

Iowa City Children's Museum, September

We had to pick up 30 bushels of acorns in Iowa City today. Usually, that means that I pick another of the area's attractions (I try for free) and we do that before or after the pick up. This time, the kids begged and badgered and pleaded and negotiated to go to the Children's Museum.

We played in the flight simulator room for an hour at least. Holly pretended to fly to the Arctic Circle to look for penguins and polar bears. Isaac loved the music room best. Lily rocked the farmers' market. The theatre and the art studio were open and they spent time in both while Isaac insisted on driving the ambulance.


Break for lunch and acorn loading. Each kid gobbled a full bowl of broccoli cheddar soup and was ready for more flying fun.

They spent 11am -4pm there and wanted to close the place down at 8pm, but Mama was tired, so so tired. I got up at 5 am to get everything ready for this adventure. They slept in to 6 AND napped on the way to Iowa City.

We took the long way home.....the one with the prettiest of views.....and the kids sang that song, Cups, for 90 minutes straight before passing out and napping.

Holly observed that none of the small towns had ice cream shops and that was a tragedy for AMERICA.

Almost home I realized that I wasn't actually ready to end this wonderful day, so we stopped at the State Park by our farm and they ate PB&J's and rolled down the hill laughing and tumbling and explaining to Isaac all about faerie dwellings within sight.

We ended the day with an all the kids in the bath scrub down and pajama party, watched 4 episodes of H2O Mako Mermaids, and as I type this two of them are crashed asleep on the floor.

This was a good day, a good and beautiful day. These are the days that are so overflowing and spilling over with happy that they fill up the surrounding days with joy too. My kids are so much a blessing to me and to the folks they encountered today, I am so lucky to be their mama and to spend my days with them.