Learning the Hard Way

How is Lil'Bug doing? I started this post the weekend we went into labour, but most of it is still right on.

These last weeks have been hard on Lil'Bug. We are usually on the move, go go go. But my inability to drive made us house bound. When Lil'Bug would ask, "Can we go to x,y,z today?" I'd say, YES! But now I have to explain over and over that I can't drive right now and how about we wait until Dad gets home or offer various other activities around the house.


Several lovely friends had graciously come over to relieve out tedious days, however.....yes, there is a however, Lil'Bug is so wound up and grumpy that these play dates ended early and/or with injury. Some of these incidents are with good friends that she usually plays well with. I could not continue to ask these friends to come over and subject their children to her fits. You see, she has taken to biting again, something we haven't seen in about two years. She has taken a chomp at just about every family member and several of good friends. She even bit me at the hospital.

As I reflected on this, I understand it. Her whole life is changing. Much the way she changed our lives almost 4 years ago, her little sister has changed hers. She is nervous and scared and anxious. She doesn't want to make me unhappy or worried so she is taking it out on everything else. It is ironic, I observed the same behaviour in another family who was expecting and I never thought twice about it, except that my kid is so different from them. Well, maybe not so much.


What can I do about it, really? I continue to be patient and loving, but I am tired and scared and worried too. Half the time she is really trying hard to be mature and thoughtful and helpful, and then suddenly it is too much and she explodes. I feel that way too, but my explosion is in frantic laundry folding and tears instead of fists and fangs. What we used to do when things got rough was take a walk in a quiet park, but none are nearby and if she runs off I can't chase her and she knows it. She can't even sit on my lap because she slides off my knee. She has cried herself to sleep several nights in my arms.

The hospital stay was rough. The room made her nervous and she'd open the door and take off down the hall, she was so disruptive she couldn't be there as much as she or we would have liked. She cried a lot and said she missed me being home. The only thing that actually helped was me coming home.

She has asked to go back to being a family of just Mama, Daddy, and Lil'Bug and then in the next 10 minutes will gush about how much she loves and likes her little sister. I know how it is possible to feel both, I'm the oldest of my sibling group too. I've talked to her about that, how I felt when Aunt Bee was born, what I did, and how I acted. This seems to have given her permission to talk to me about how she feels. Sometimes it is painful to hear the things she says, but she trusts me enough to say these things and that is really important to validate.

She really is a good big sister, I know it has been rough on her. Things are getting better, for all of us.

Tuesday Update

Our doctors appointment is scheduled for Wednesday, in the meantime, our bathroom scale indicates Blueberry is pretty close to her birth weight (after pooping today). That's good. She is feeding almost every hour and awake for longer periods, more often. She poops about every 2 hours. All very good things. I've been emailing with a LLL leader and she gave me some great ideas, much reassurance, and data as to why we had a rough start. She's also an unschooler mom from park day too, so it was much easier asking for help.

Later today I will post an update on Lil'Bug, mucho garden pictures, and some more baby love. I have to get organized enough to get the camera and the computer in the same place. :)

Birth Story In Detail

Then things began to get complicated. Seriously, I was in labour for two weeks if not more. Something called predromal labour. Good times that. Two false alarms at the hospital, contractions 6 minutes apart at almost full strength for 14 days. The last 3 days things kicked up a notch. The pain was so bad I was throwing up and shaking so we went in to the hospital yet again on Tuesday.

We checked in and I was 1 centimeter, 50 percent effaced. I wanted to go home, since that is nothing. The doc came in to check 30 minutes later- 3 centimeters, 85% effaced. ???? Also, yay! 1 hour later I was 5 centimeters and 100%, and labouring in a birth suite. Sweet.

Then the pain jacked up another notch. My contractions were still 6 minutes apart and "abnormal", as in the peaked immediately and then took 90 second more to ease off (though to say they eased off is weird). In between, my whole body was wracked with pain and I started vomiting again. 5 hours later........no progress, still at a 5.

My birth team, including my doula, discussed and suggested an epidural, so I could rest and maybe my body would relax enough to normalize the contractions. The baby was not descending and that was why my labour was stalled. Maybe if I would relax then we could get into other positions that would realign her head position to descend? So we tried. The epidural too three tries to get in right, but then it was such sweet relief.

4 hours after that, my water was broken. Thick green meconium was present, which means the baby was in distress and pooped. My dilation was 4.5 and effacement was 90%. Part of my cervix was swollen AND I started running a fever.

The doctor suggested pitocin to again try and speed up the labour since we were now at risk. I reacted poorly to pitocin last time AND it increases the risk of uterine rupture in VBACs.

He offered us two choices, wait and let time pass to see if we would progress (baby's heartrate was still good) OR have C-section. If the baby went into distress they would knock me out and do a CS anyway. It was nice to have a choice. It was good to be reassured that the baby was still doing well and that the choices were still all ours.

Still, I was educated. I knew that my fever and the very dark, muddy amniotic fluid was bad news. I am a mother above all and my baby needed me.

With the epidural in place already, I was ready for surgery. The thing is, the epidural only turns down the volume of the pain. I could still feel pain plus the narcotics added made me unable to move my arms or neck or face. I felt like I couldn't breathe. This was very unlike my first c-section where I could hold my husband's hand and look at my new baby. I couldn't open my eyes.

Good thing too. Holly couldn't breathe for 3.5 minutes after she was born. I can't imagine the possible outcomes if I had waited or delayed my decision. The NICU team was awesome.

My dear husband was traumatized.

I shook too hard in the hours after her birth to hold her or breastfeed her. I will grieve for that time lost, but that is all.

Every single one of my docs said that my attempt was heroic and really good. Through the whole thing they were supportive and respectful of my choices and needs.

Plus, even though the actual labour was gruelling and the surgery hellish (due to the type of anesthesia) , my recovery was been awesome. I am still taking it slow, but I am still present for my family.

Update

So far, feeding today has been excellent. Every two hours, about, AND a poop about that often of the right color. Whew. Still, I have a postpartum doula coming in the morning and the doctor visit early this week. I don't want to use the nipple covers for long and last time it was Lil'Bug's aggressive personality that got us over that bump.

Actually, so far, today has been better on many levels. We've settled back into being home.