The Aftermath

Things went from sad to worse when we got home. I got more of what happened from my daughter and so did Dearest Husband. We interpreted it so differently that we now understand that we are on two different pages in the grand scheme of parenting. That is not a good thing.

This got me thinking: Lying. What is it really and why do humans do it? Then is what Lil'Bug is doing lying? If so, to what end? So......people lie to avoid unwanted consequence, no? They don't trust the recipient of the lie enough to tell them the truth, for fear of punishment or unwanted reaction. Ok. Sometimes Lil'Bug flat out lies: did you hit the cat? did you take the candy? etc. We ask her these stupid questions when we know the answer already and instead of simply dealing with the now, we test her and she fails (gives the wrong answer). Hmmm. Sometimes though it is a matter of semantics: did you push the kid? No, I moved him. So, to her that is not lying. She is explaining to the best of her ability the nuances of her actions. In one case, she is avoiding (or amplifying) unwanted negative reaction and in the other trying her best to communicate.

So what happens if we punish her in either scenario? We lose her trust.

It comes down to the basic message in attachment parenting: babies communicate their needs- you just have to listen. Well, people communicate their needs too. Lying and manipulating are behavioral consequences of feeling out of control- when we as parents exert control over these small people are we merely leading them to attempt to regain it?

Maybe I am over thinking this. Maybe little kids lie. I don't know. Something feels off. She doesn't lie to me. I want to take this slowly since I think it may be a pivotal point in my parenting.

Family Music

Malls, Mothering, and More

Today we met with the doula. Very cool. I will actually have 2 doulas this time, but C. is the doula that attended Lil'Bug's birth. We got caught up and such. Good stuff.

Then Lil'Bug got an idea in the afternoon: she wanted to buy Daddy a gift, with her own money, and her own choosing. I agreed and off we went to the mall. Gah. I hate malls. I hate malls more at holiday madness time. The crowds, the noise, the sensory overload of perfume and frantic tension, and all of the other things that go with mallness totally induce panic in me. I can navigate it better than in past years especially if my focus is on Lil'Bug but it is not something I would do casually. At the mall she chose her gift, I went after the clearance shoes previously mentioned (now marked down to 9$!!!!), and we headed for the pseudo-playground known as the playplace.....

There was an incident involving parents behaving badly and overreacting. So we left and did something else. She was on the verge of tears on the way home- insisting that she didn't do what they said.

I believe her. I also think that it was a matter of miscommunication. She was touching or trying to move a littler kid- they say "pushing"- she says, no, moving. Matter of words and exact definition. I still think they were overacting. Also, not cool to touch my kid. Very not cool to pick her up. Yelling? Argh. Grrrr.

Where does that leave us? I left not as a punishment to her, but to remove her from a situation where two adults were losing their cool. My assessment was that it was not a safe environment because of the adults. She asked if we would ever go back. I don't know. I prefer play arrangements where she knows the children involved and the parents know us. The whole thing leaves me unsettled. Usually it's me with the good kid, today it was other parents labeling her and us as "bad". Yuck. I'd like to chalk it up to holiday tensions. She's a lively, funny, outgoing kid. She plays like she is. The pushing, shoving thing really bothers me. She used to be a biter too but outgrew that. I think that she will outgrow this as well, but I dislike the situations that arise: her lying (to try and avoid unwanted consequences), her hurting. I kept my cool. That's good (and a first) but I don't think I communicated with Lil'Bug exactly how I wanted to or should have.

I hate malls.

Oh Christmas Tree!