Grandpa, Do Not Read This One, aka Spider

Dragonrider

Heatmiser

We have not yet turned on our boiler (steam heat). So far so good. We didn't plan this though, it came about because of a scheduling problem with the boiler guy. Last year we had it on in September, but usually we aim for October 1st. They were supposed to come to yesterday and then today, but today is our out of the house day and......

....I AM SO FREAKING COLD RIGHT NOW.

Ok, also, Lil'Bug starts art class today. At first she was excited, then confused ("I already know how to paint mama......"), then mad ("I want Kung Fu Panda classes!" which she cannot enroll in until she is 4 and a lot more calm and focused). I suppose we will see how it goes. That said, I have an uncanny penchant for dressing like a goon when she has classes, so I must now go double check that I do not in fact have mismatched socks or anything inside out. Gah.

Did I mention I am cold? Seriously, the stat SAYS 64, no wait, 54? degrees? No wonder.

OK, Yeah, Now I am Procrastinating

Made beds, did dishes, loaded laundry, put away laundry, tidied up only to have tornado tot swirl through, answered emails, preheated the oven only to find the broiler pan from last night still in, cleared out smoke, answered emails, puttered online, gawked at pictures.......all while the babe is asleep.

Why do I feel like I've gotten nothing done today? It's only 11 am.....

Colors

I have been spending way too much time at this color site. Seriously. Does it have to be that hard to choose between green, blue, or yellow? Gah. We won't even paint until next summer. Bugger. Don't even get me started on the interior.

I have papers to grade and pumpkins to freeze and sauce to can. Must. Extract. Myself. From. Daydreaming.

Playscape

There is a new playscape at a local park. It is made from all natural materials and is basically just kid friendly landscaping. No slides. No swings.

And yet.....my kid will spend hours there. She's never once come home from there dry. She asks to go there over any other park right now. If it wasn't 35 minutes away, we'd go more often.

When we move, we will be 45 minutes away from Des Moines and all of its fancy playgrounds. Sure, we'll build the girls a swing set and slide, but it is not the same thing. We will have lots of wooded and marsh landscape to explore. The fact that Lil'Bug favors the natural eases my worry quite a bit.

Looking at the pictures I took that afternoon..... I think that if we ever did coming of age portraits..... we'll have to incorporate mud or puddles.

Anyway, I've been mulling this over lately. Which is better: natural or equipped? When we go to park day, Lil'Bug plays on the equipment for a bit off and on, but the majority of her time is divided between the trees, one of which she calls her house. I know I am over thinking this, but it started to form a huge metaphor for me about unschooling vs homeschooling-school-at-home-model vs the extreme counterpart of public/institutionalized schooling.

The playgrounds are sparse (sometimes empty, but not usually) most of the year and have kids of various ages. We homeschoolers like to descend upon the parks during the "school" day. We often stay there for a long time and inevitably a few PS kids get there later in our play. We are not secluded from them (read as: we are not "unsocial" and yes, that is as much I will address the S word), just well established in our games when the arrive and still playing when they leave. For us, it is like summer never ends.

We have the flexibility to play and learn and run for as long as needed, to come back to the game later, to jump and climb and get dirty until we fall asleep exhausted in the grass. We have less of the time constraint of bells and appointments and lessons that dictate play time for most families.

Water is not off limits. Nor is mud. Or fire for that matter. Because we have the time to build a fire and stay with it and doing so is a normal natural thing, none of the kids we play with are fire obsessed and they all treat it with respect. Not to say that they are not roasted/burned marshmallow obsessed though. I know, these are not elements that most mainstream families consider a normal part of going to the park. Well, most things we do as unschoolers are not considered normal. I can live with that.

The equipment. Playgrounds are equipped. There is some variation, but you can expect some sort of swings, slides, and maybe a tunnel thing. These are the basics. If these are not present, the playground is typically judged as not good by kids and caregivers. Sometimes it is not even considered a playground by kids or adults. That is where I challenge the norm. Play/learning can happen anywhere at anytime. One does not need a slide to have fun, or a swing to reach the sky. Sure it is "easier" for the kids to run to the presubscribed equipment, sure they learn to take turns and share, they get the "right" kind of exercise. Sure. But is it better? Is that the only, or even the main kind of play that we should provide them? Is it easier because we can sit on the benches and let them play? Maybe help them on the slide when they get stuck, or push the swings for a bit? Or let them tough it out.

Maybe. For us the joy is in participating in our kids life, playing and learning. It is nice to have swings and slides but for us the boat, the camp fire, the bugs in the dirt, the puddles, the garden, the trees, the sky, the air....well, really, life are the better tools for our play and learning all day every day. Not just after the swings and slides, and on weekends.

Now imagine if all you had was swings and slides. Imagine that it wa sall you were allowed five days a week, 7 hours a day. Would your play suffer? Not at first, but eventually. Even if you got to move up to a more complex swing and slide compound it would still be limited to what was being offered. Sure, after hours and on weekends you could visit other places, but is that the same? You still have to go back to the same playground when the week starts up again. What social skills are you really learning playing with the same kids day after day after day? Sure that's like some real life jobs, but not all. Even if you decide to install a swing and slide set in your backyard, it is still just swings and a slide.

My kids run to me when they get hurt, unless they can't, but then I am nearby enough to help and nurture. Most of the time they work it out. The other day one of the kids (age four) was caught upside down in a tree. The three of them quickly assigned roles, one (age five) ran to get the mamas, the other (my Lil'Bug) stayed and held the stuck one so she wouldn't fall more AND comforted her. A small crisis handled well. I know adults who can not act as level headed in crisis. When it was done, they returned to play un-traumatized.

So is my metaphor clear? I don't know. I just was thinking about this all week. A friend of ours brought up the socialization issue in polite conversation. It really hit home with me that she just doesn't get it. It was also said that my kids are not old enough to homeschool. See? Doesn't get it.

The playgrounds may have lots of swings and slides, complicated and varied equipment, even trees and water features, and and and. Some playgrounds are far superior to others for many types of play. Some are not. Some have broken toys, drug paraphernalia littering the sand, etc. In some places you can't choose which playground you get to use. Some playgrounds don't have safe or good foundations or are infested with bugs. Some flood often. Some are great, clean, and safe. We like to use those, as a tool, not a default.

So in short, my conclusion is simple. Neither is better, it is all about the options, yo. The more there are the better.

Zoo Zoo, We're Going to the Zoo, You Can Come Too!

Last week we went to the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo. A very cool zoo about two hours away from us. Dearest got tickets from a co-worker and off we went for the day. The above picture is from the new butterfly house; it is an owl. I kind of expected it to be like Blank Park's butterfly room, but wow, it was not anything like it. First of all there were actual butterflies. LOL.

This is the hatchling nursery. We got to see various stages of cocoons hatching and butterflies emerging. Some of them looked like seashells.

This is an aerial of the pygmy hippopotamus. Saying the word hippopotamus makes Blueberry giggle. Singing, "Armadillo in your pillow, armadillo, oh rock me armadillo," to the tune of that '80's song Amadeus makes her squeal with giggles. I am addicted to baby giggles and so I find myself singing that to her almost all day.

Try the water Dave. It's really real. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself......)

Every year we go, every year Lil'Bug wants to pose on the statues. Works for me!

What in the World are These?

This is a picture of the thing in the field. Since the field is currently in a cash crop, we did not want to go stomping through it. So we must form a conjecture from a distance.....maybe 20 ft tall? What is it????

*edited to add....wouldn't that make a cool night sky observatory if it is just stable old stone ruin? Climb on top with the old telescope.....

New mystery plant. Only one picture. Hanging from a tree. Ideas?

More of Sarah's Amazing Photos, Anyone Want to Buy a House?

Quick Hello

I'm still here. Just super busy and feeling a bit under the weather. I plan to post bunches tonight, but we'll see if that actually works out.

:)

October and Apple Butter

Every October I suffer a little bit of depression. Not without reason, as some pretty traumatic things happened so long ago in October, always Octobers. So this year I am going to try and write through it.

This time at the park a discussion that has been in my draft box over and over in the past year came up again: perfect birth obsession. Not just wanting, planning, and hoping for a "perfect" birth, but to the detriment of the baby. I could have held out with Lil'Bug or with Blueberry but to what end? To what harm? With Blueberry I know that I went to great lengths to ensure a healthy pregnancy, baby, and mama, and this paid off in my recovery and in her health. It was one day. I'm the mama to these babes for their lifetimes.

So the discussion veered toward, get over it it is just one day.

But, you know, I get it. I do. One day of feeling helpless, victimized, ect. can really haunt you. One day is enough for years of nightmares, depression, and life changing consequences. One day.

On the other hand, the lifetime outweighs the one day, especially if you can fill it with joy.

For me, I'm not talking about the births of my babies. I am talking about my own liberation from a childhood of hurt. A separate traumatic event slammed my world into something else, like a tornado destroyed my world and set me down somewhere else. Something somewhere someday. From there I was new, afraid and fragile. Soon after I was blessed with meeting my husband (again, since we were introduced several times that year) and he helped me heal as a person and then blossom. But it was just a day, right?

I don't know. It's October.

Also, October means more of this:

Spoons to lick.

Mmmmmm, apple butter.

Farm Crawl 2008

Today we farm crawled, mama with two in tow, hurt wrist style. That means no pictures.

We toured 3 of the 6 farms and focused on the three that were most like what we want to do. CSA, orchard, pumpkin patch/pick your own......veggies, apples, pumpkins, honey, chickens, but no beef. I know that one of the farms we did not visit has meat herds but by 2 pm Lil'Bug was clamoring to go home and sick of being in the car with a 45 minute drive still ahead.

We met some people that will be our neighbors. They were friendly and helpful and this reinforces our decision to move there. Did I mention the crawl was through the county our farm to be is located in? Yes indeed. For those of you who were wondering...we close in December!

What We've Been Up To, or Why Rubber Chickens Are Funny

* WARNING, pictures may gross you out. But at least you cannot smell them. Just saying.

The lovely Abby at Sugar Creek Family Farm invited us out to help with chicken preparing. Good times that. I'd helped with this chore as a kid at Deedle's farm, but Dearest had never even seen it done. We are all about hands on learning.

So, chickens are calm when you hang them upside down by their feet.

Feathers come right off after a scalding dip. That's the part that smells. Really smells yucky.

Dinosaur looking feet snap right off. You know, I never really thought about that part before.

Wee tots hiding under native lean-to. Cute toes. They mostly avoided the carnage of the day. Despite Lil'Bugs exclamations of, "We'll eat them!"- I think some of the visuals upset her. She's learning too.

Me? I held the baby. Thank you Blueberry! Hey, I'm good with fruit. Fruit is not bloody, does not smell like wet feathers, nor does fruit come pecking at the carnage bits of its tree brothers. Shudder. Apple anyone?

Then, I was blessed with the chore of laundry. I washed the chicken blood spattered clothes three times, frustrated and grossed out that a spot on Dearest's work jeans just wouldn't come clean. Until I realized it was a paint spot. Red paint from our parlor ceiling. Gah. The same red staining paint that has plagued me in recent times into thinking I had a rash. I am never using red house paint ever again.

Place

Ultimately, I believe what Wendell Berry says in his last poem in A Timbered Choir: “There is a day when the road neither comes nor goes, and the way is not a way but a place.” That day has come for me. The way to a more sustainable life indeed is a place.

Wow does this passage speak to me right now. I was blog hunting for similar families in our new neck of the woods. She's up in South Dakota (Google is weird sometimes), but I love the poetry of this passage, both in the actual poetry quote and in her response.

Falling

Fall is here. I just noticed. Last Spring I took the time to pay attention each day to the unfurling of the tree foliage and I intended to meditate the same way on the color changes this fall. We haven't had a cold spell and it still feels like summer to me. So it goes.

We are very busy around here. Sarah came to take photos and share chocolate yesterday. Much to my chagrin my dog jumped on to our king size bed and pushed all the blankets and sheets to floor. He was upset I had closed him in the room when company arrived. So I had spent the effort making the beds for naught. Gah. Tornado Tot did the same thing to her own room. And I was making apple butter. I wonder why I bother making the beds first thing in the morning if all they do is rampage my efforts.

Oh yeah, it is in case we get a Realtor showing up with prospective buyers. Okey-doke, I'll keep at it. We've been on the market 3 weeks and had 7 families look. Not so bad really. The next open house is early October. I hope to have the laundry room done by then.

Anyway, things are moving forward here on all fronts. Canning is getting done, house is clean, photos taken, slugs cuddled (yeah, it's a Lil'Bug thing), and we are all happier than ever.

The energy and excitement being generated from the farm acquisition moving forward is amazing and contagious.

Size 14

Clothing sizes have always baffled me. What's the point if even the actual size varies from brand to brand. Gah. Add that I am uber petite in height and finding comfortable clothes that fit without having to be altered is just a nightmare. Remember me trying to find maternity clothes? Well, now those don't fit, which is a good thing, and I needed a decent pair of well made jeans.

I refuse to pay 70$ plus for women's jeans that don't fit. Often it ends up being even more. Since I'm not pregnant I don't get to give in and buy another pair of expensive jeans. I started lamenting that they don't have adjustable waists in adult clothing like they do for kids.

:)

I used to be able to buy boys jeans with elastic waist bands. Well, I'm not really built for that in the hips anymore. Yesterday at Target I stumbled back into the boys jeans section and it was as if a light shone down. Holy cow, I'm a HUSKY boy shape now! AND these jeans have adjustable waistbands! A one year warranty! Lots of pockets! Very well stitched, heavy denim.

Best part. 13$.

Better part. They fit. They really fit. No elastic waistband. Button and zipper fit. Next month, when they go on sale, I'm buying 2 more.

It is so sad that the same fitting charts used for children and men are not applied to women's clothing. It is even sadder that the price is so jacked up for women's clothing that doesn't fit and falls apart when worn hard. I'm not worried about chipping a nail, I'm worried about my jeans ripping (well, not now I'm not).

And no, I am not embarrassed to yell out, I'm a size 14 husky! How about this: I'm a meat eating, healthy woman, mother of 2 daughters who will also wear boy jeans. So ha.

Food For Play

CSA Thoughts

Every CSA I've looked up today has a waiting list. More demand than product. Interesting.

The model just may work for us. Reading more about it between grading papers, baking pies, and tending to nursling and tot. If any one who reads here has a CSA or has a resource to share, please post it! I have a lot to ruminate on, but I an hungry for more data.

Dearest went out and walked the property today, came home tired and excited. We played at the park for 5 hours and came home tired and excited. Right now they are all sleeping soundly and it is not yet 8 pm. Wow.

Time to reflect in the quiet I guess. Or go grade papers. You know, whatever.

I had a conversation with a student today. It really amuses me (and saddens me too) to think about the irony of my unschooling home and life in contrast with my teaching Literature and Composition to college kids. The difference in my teaching approach (revision, ability ot correct exams for full points, lots of discussion, self directed topic study) really freaks some of them out. It would be easier for me to adapt the fail/pass model, much less work, but I like how teach. I would not like the other model, easier though it may be, it would make me unhappy. I didn't mortgage my brain to mechanically grade papers day and night, I did so to learn and relish in my discipline. The bonus is that now I get paid to pass on, day after day, more of my craft and knowledge. Lucky that I get to do so in my PJ's in my kitchen. Yay Interweb.

That actually speaks to the way we live as well. Some things we have chosen are harder than the way our mainstream peers do things, but we are happier for it. Yes, it would be easier to go buy a pie from Hy-Vee but it simply cannot compare to picking our own apples, hand rolling the lard crust dough, the smell of baking pie, and finally, cutting fork into that first delicious, warm, gooey bite. Easy as pie. God, I love apples!

And one last thought.....Zone 5, peaches. How can I possibly choose which varieties from Stark Bro's? I used to be limited to just the 3 cold hardy varieties and now just about every variety is doable! My head is about to explode with possibilities. Suggestions are welcome.

Part 2 of Haunted Mansion Project Series

Part 1 of Haunted Mansion Project Series

Since that lovely comment that our super cool friend Sara left, I've decided to treat you all with a series of posts. Before and afters. We really have come a long way with this house.

The inside of this bathtub was the only thing "done" when we moved in. I often cried when I looked at it. This picture isn't even technically a true before picture since I took it after the walls and ceiling were repaired.

Now.

Progress

I've been waiting to post until we have news, but we still do not have any real news to share. The only significant thing happening here is that my house is still clean and I am a ball of nerves waiting for an answer on the farm purchase.

I want it more than I realized I guess.

Today I am baking bread and pie. Anyone want an apple pie? I'll have an extra when I'm done. ;)

Inspiration

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Let your capital be simplicity and contentment. -Henry David Thoreau, naturalist and author (1817-1862)

Acknowledging Talent

Acknowledging Talent/ Not my own, but SarahSignature's. For sake of time, I snapped these photos yesterday during the open house (which went great, BTW....7 couples walked through, 2 more called and couldn't make it and will come this week sometime....whoo hoo!)

Anyway, here are the shots I snapped. I'm making a promised batch of apple butter to try and lure the photographer back here this week. LOL :)

More than anything though, I want to acknowledge and thank my MIL, the great Nana, because her talent is really shining here. She brought pictures, rearranged spaces, and cleaned this week. I worked as hard as I could to keep up, taking notes along the way so I could keep it clean and know for future home keeping what she did (but that's a post for another day).

Big Day, Big Week, Big Dreams, ect.

It is officially Dearest's 30th birthday. Happy Birthday my love!

We are having an open house for the selling the haunted mansion project (see posts a few back for pics) later today. I haven't gone to bed yet because I am wound up, anxious, and just plain not done cleaning yet. Not sure I can do much more now since floor stain is setting, paint is drying, and all else requires hammer and loud noise (ah, the babes are finally asleep as of 30 minutes ago)......

Also, while we vacate (flee) the house for the open house time (1-4pm) Dearest is playing his first gig at a bar with the country band he's been practicing with. A BAR! We never go to bars and Dearest previously did not care for country music. To his credit, he plays punk drums so the band is a little more rockabilly than most country bands on many songs. Anyone reading here in the DM area and likes country music? PM me and I'll send the location and time. I'll post pics when we get home this evening.

Still no final word on the house offer. Still in negotiations. Still learning my lesson in patience. Dearest says I'm like Toad (from Frog and Toad) trying to get my garden to grow. It takes time, there's nothing you can do, playing music to the carrots won't help, but I am doing it anyway. La la la la!

Also, to get as much possible into one post....I attended a Blessingway this evening for a dear friend. It was beautiful. I missed the part of the invite that said only nurslings and Lil'Bug was a bit disruptive, but I hope not to the point of ruining it for Sarah. I hate when I miss details like that. Anyway, there was a lovely ritual of cleaning negativity with rose water and then envoking the names of mothers and grandmothers. I did not expect that. Instead of listing I offered that I am the daughter of "many". I know the names back 6 generations, but saying them aloud envokes such negativity and sadness in me I did not want that to be my offering to Sarah and her baby. Nor do I really feel that the biological chain is the anchor of mothering for me. Sigh. I wish her many blessings.

Here's to selling our house, birthdays, bar debuts, farming dreams, and babies!

Also.....
Wowser, has this been a freaking busy week. Do weeks begin or end on Sunday?

Waiting

I am not good at waiting. I get ancy, anxious, and become a pain to everyone around me. I am working on it. So, of course life threw at me negotiating with a family who rides around in a horse and buggy and have an abundance of patience.

I get it. I really do.

So today, after days and days and days and days of back and forth and such, we wait some more. For an answer to the question.....will we be farmers yet in 2008?

:) I can't wait!

More Clues?

Mystery Berry

Name this vegetation......edible or poisonous?

Fruit of Our Labor

I am nearing completion of today's tasks and I realized something. This push to move is actually getting items checked of my list from January! The north bedroom of doom is cleared of junk and actually a lovely bedroom now. The hallway is painted. Things are less cluttered and organized.

I'm not done yet, but very soon. Wow.

au Natural

I've been mulling this over for a couple months now, ever since the Natural Living Expo.

Make-Up. Cosmetics. The irony of it in the "natural"living community. There were at least three booths for cosmetics at the expo. Beauty products. And the new trend is "green" products (well, "green" everything really...." But the be your more healthy natural self crowd should really see the funny in this.

I stopped wearing even the little bit I did wear while pregnant with Blueberry because of the aluminum issue. I'm sure I wrote about this before. I packed a kit in the hospital bag, sure to have it so when guests visited I would not look like a goon.

A goon. Yes, that was my thought. Me without make-up=goon.

I was pushed to wear make up in 5th grade by a family member. Looking back I now see how sad it was that she pushed it on me, but in a way it led to growth for me. Another person took me aside and said that the pretties women in the world wear make up so that it looks like they don't.

You know, that's not even going far enough. I wanted to quit, but I always felt like my adult acne and splotchy completion was embarrassing and so on caked the foundation, if just that.

But 12 hours after Blueberry was extracted I lurched toward the bathroom to wash up and braced my hands on the sink for the first look in the mirror.

Huh. Pretty?

Yeah. I liked, for the first time in my adult life, my naked face.

Since I stopped, I still have acne but WAY less. I feel different, more confident. The downside is that I am not constantly spot checking in mirrors so sometimes I miss a streak of paint or tot launched spaghetti sauce, ect.

Another issue: since not covering them, my lips rosied up in the sunshine and stopped being constantly chapped. My eyelashes darkened up too, since they were not shielded either, became fuller since not being crimped, painted, and scrubbed. Huh. Freckles. :)

Natural. We all have flaws. Are they really less apparent hidden under a mask? Or a mound of concealer?

The comment: "I should take more time for myself." Ha. I HAVE more time for myself now that it is not spent messing with goo and worrying about lipstick. I also have more money to spend on chocolate. I also have more love for myself. My kiddos don't have to see me looking at myself in a mirror so often, wondering what they'd have to apply to be "pretty" too.

My beauty routine? Wash, rinse, repeat. Now I can afford the special soap I love. :)

ABC Meme I stole from Sharon!

A. Actively Pursuing.........a farm, a better life for my family
B. Belief........love
C. Cake or pie........apple pie!
D. Daily life........kid chaos
E. Essential item..........clothing, quilt, can you tell I am cold this AM?
F. Fluent in......... time bending
G. Grateful for.........my family
H. Hopes...........that our house will sell quickly and our move to a farm (the farm) will go smoothly
I. Indulgences...........chocolate
J. Just learned...........that I cannot cook liver.
K. Kids...........twp pretty sweet girls
L. Life isn’t complete without...........my husband
M. Marriage date...........January 1999
N. Number of brothers and sisters.............1 of each
O. Obstacles.....clutter, literally
P. Phobias..................closets, touching liver
Q. Questions............Where are my apple trees?
R. Realization..........That I am at home wherever my family is, but that I really do yearn for the life of a farm wife.
S. Simplicity............every day, a little better, soon much better.
T. Thought............fall is here, sweaters and boots in the AM and t-shirt weather in the PM.
U. Unknown.........the future and changing.
V. Vocation...........mother, professor, worrier....
W. Worst Habit.........worry
X. Xenagogue.......my aunt, who is weathering the storm in TX. She is my inspiration.
Y. Yearning.........farm fresh eggs and milk still warm from a family cow. Apple pie made with apples picked minutes ago, not months and miles. Fields of flowers.
Z. Zero Tolerance.......stupid. As in racist, parroting, or mean.

Upon Waking WIth a Baby

This post at FOILHAT made me think today. Here are my thoughts:

This week or last Blueberry was officially the same age Lil'Bug was when my maternity leave was over and I went back to work. Full time+ some+ graduate school+ volunteer work+ + +

Lil'Bug would cry and be awake all day and then sleep from when I picked her up until the next morning with a 2 hour I'm up and play session from 2am-4am. Unless I was in class at night and then she'd cry until I got home. She was a high maintaince baby, to put it gently. Or was she?

Waking up in the morning was a forced and hurried ritual of diaper change, bottle and milk gathering, dressing, loading, dressing myself and out the door. Getting home was more of the same plus laundry, studying, cleaning, and thesis work.

This past morning I realized forcefully what I had missed.

Waking gently in the morning with a babe touching my face and smiling. Giggles.
or
Waking with a ray of sunrise peeking through the curtains and watching the sweetness of my two sleeping children snuggled together.
or
a million other variations of the same.

A gentle start to the day. Pure happiness.

I got to be the one to take Blueberry to the zoo for her first visit. Watch her roll over for the first time. Get to know her during her awake times. I lost that time with Lil'Bug. I have always mourned that loss but recently I have nurtured an understanding of that loss, a wound, how deep it is.

That is a cost that can not be offset by money. By working. I am raising my children. That is my choice. I am working too, but blessed enough to do so at times they are sleeping or playing and I can set down my work when they need me.

Perhaps working moms who have always worked will never know this loss, perhaps they do. Amy said in her post that she is feeling a lot of resentment from them. Perhaps it is not what it appears to be and it is the anger phase of grief?

I don't know, can't say for certain, but I never get snotty to working moms. I assume they've weighed the options and made the best choice for themselves and/or their family. I think though, that raising children and caring for your home are very de-valued by many. I know a couple moms who homeschool just to justify continuing to stay home, to fill a void in their own worth. It is not nessecary. Raising kids is hard work. Period. Homeschooling? Piece of cake, Black Forest Chocolate layer cake with fancy frosting.......anyway, now I am hungry.

My point is this, lets not de-value others OR ourselves. Go over and give Amy a virtual hug. (Oh, and she makes soap too!)

Home is where your heart is......

Home. That concept for me if complicated. We moved a lot as a kid and my home life was, well, we'll just say....turbulent. When people ask me where I am from, I have no answer. The places I've lived? The people? I don't really associate with any of it. I've lived in Iowa almost half my life, so that is the closest I get.

My husband asked me of the farm house: Can you call this home?

Wow. That question has really set in my heart. Because really, I will follow him to the ends of the earth. Where he is, where my children are, that is home. That's not what he meant, but that is really the heart of it.

We've been back to the farm house. I took better pictures. I allowed myself to get excited. Now I am listening to Christmas music and cleaning house. I spent a good part of the morning on the phone with insurance, utillity companies, the chamber of commerce, the county development corporation, and both the realtor and my Dearest.

We took a break and visited an old friend and her brood. Little anxiety over that, but it went well, I think.

Tomorrow we are going back. We are closer to our dream than ever before. We are in that excited, anxiety, frantic, calm before the change phase. You know what I mean? It is hard to explain.

Me? I'm craving Cajun food and Christmas cookies.

My House That Is For Sale......

The amazing Sarah at SarahSignature came over yesterday with chocolate and took these pictures. These are my favorite ones, though they are all amazing.

It occurred to me that we may not live here long and many of you ask what my big Victorian mess, I mean, house looks like. Well, here it is! I'll post more next week.

Also, a big thank you to my MIL and GMIL who came over and cleaned and arranged furniture.

Dreaming Big

I've always been one to dream big. When I was younger I was often mocked by friends and family for my lofty goals. It was not until I was an adult that my tenacity and goal orientation (obsessed focus) paid off. My impatience and my big dreaming.

But first let me tell you about my day......
7 AM load car with sleeeeeepy, cranky girls. It is raining.
7:10 AM Pull over to feed, discover milk duct yeast infection.
7:20 AM Pull over, change Blueberry's diaper, discover that what I thought was yeast infection was actually red paint from painting night before.
7:25 AM Finally leave DM city limits and head south to meet Realtor at farm previously mentioned (the big pond with house restored by Amish people....)
8:20 AM pull into town, easily find road, 30 miles short of Google maps? Ok. Turn in, read addresses, check maps, assured farm is 1/2 mile away down this road.
8:21 AM Road turns into Grade B access road. I can see the farm. Turn in.

8:22 AM Get stuck in mud. Call Realtor who says he's on his way and going to help us. Call Dearest. Get mocked by Dearest and his co-workers. I hand Lil'Bug a chunk of cheddar cheese:

8:40 AM Realtor arrives. Verifies stuckness. Heads over to the neighbors to borrow truck to tow us out. Yay. I get to meet my possibly new neighbors. Lil'Bug proceeds to spit out cheese go and paint her car window and seat. Car smells like cheddar and......poopy diaper? Gah. Get out, sink 6 inches into the mud while sloping around the car to get out Blueberry and change her diaper AND then feed her.
9:20 AM Get towed out. Still raining. Follow Realtor to farm. Get reassured that every southern Iowan gets stuck in the mud at least once.
9:30 Amish family is home. I somehow must have violated every single etiquette rule ever. I try and photograph house, not very successfully.

9:50-10:30 AM Head outside to photograph farm buildings and lake. It is still raining. End up with not very many, not very good pictures, find a beehive, and get soaked up to my waist, but at least no longer as muddy. Listen to Lil'Bug throw a couple fits.

Yes. That's honey.

10:30ish AM Get back on Hwy 14 and head home. Car starts to shake over 35 MPH. Alignment messed up durring tow? Gah. Drive home taking back roads going 35 MPH. In the rain, pulling over to feed, re-diaper, find pet cricket, cry in the rain.
12:55 PM Get home. Wet, muddy, cranky. Dump kid in bath. Answer phone. Try to download photos to dump to flickr (if you know my account, the pics are there now) but computer freezes and eats them, deletes from my camera. Gah.
2:PM Retrieve pictures from obscure folder on desktop. Sarah calls.
Rest of Afternoon:
Sarah arrives to take pictures. Hold squirmy baby while shoving toys and bins and tornado tots into places behind camera to photos can get taken. Done. Eat chocolate, drink tea. Answer Dearest's 35 million+ phone calls to me to ask questions about the farm and the pictures.


Get excited about the farm. Decide to go back tomorrow to take better pictures and such.

Dream Big. Start picking out house colors.

Check Up!

Blueberry's well baby check: 13.5 lbs, 24 inches. She grew 3 inches since our last visit? Yup, and 2.5 lbs. She's been busy.

All systems a go. She's a thriving, squishy, big, healthy baby. She even laughed for the Doc. :)

As a side note: We no longer use the silicon breast shield. I had her off of it at 5 weeks, but we needed to go back for a while due to severe pain (incorrect latch). Once I healed back up, I taught her the correct latch and we're back off the shield. Yay! She's 14 weeks now, but things take time. I forget that sometimes.

How We "School" Part 3: Lessons

Lessons. Lil'Bug has taken lessons. How is this exactly unschool? To unschool is to embrace what and how you learn from life and naturally, right?

Sure, but there comes a point when you want to master something and you seek out teachers, or perhaps taking a lesson sounds like a fun, dare I say it, social thing to do.

Here is where the difference, at least for us has occurred.

Lil'Bug took music lessons. Really, music lessons is redundant in our family because we have a music room and she has access to about 15 real instruments and 30+ of her own toyish percussion things. But she wanted to take lessons, which as a three year old means singing and dancing and playing with toyish like percussion things only with a room full of other three year olds. Fine.

Here is where we take a different approach. One lesson we had a substitute teacher whose style of relating and rule sets were different from our regular teacher. In our regular class, Lil'Bug always played helper and assisted in handing out things and cleaning up. The new teacher balked at her efforts to help and explained "nicely" that Lil' Bug would get an instrument when she sat down and waited. Lil'Bug stood there stunned for a bit, but processed it and sat down. And yet, the teacher made a point of handing sticks to everyone, including me, before giving them to Lil'Bug very last and saying to the class that she got hers last because she sat down last.

What? That was unkind, but apparently acceptable to everyone there. Well, except for my sweet tot who set her sticks "nicely" down and left. Walked out of the classroom.

I followed her out and sat down with her. She explained that she didn't like the teacher, thought what she did and said was rude and unkind. She wanted to go home.

So we did. I agreed with her AND if I was in her position I would be allowed to choose to quit. As adults, when someone treats us poorly we have choices. Why not let her choose how she wants to be treated? Because she is a child, should she suffer the ill treatment of someone just because they are years older than she is? I don't think so. Sure, I paid for the class, but that money was already paid and gone and certainly not worth the price of humiliation for my child in front her parents and peers.

So we quit. She tried going back once the regular teacher was back, but it was never the same. So that was that.

Some parents I have talked to said they would make their kids stick it out, finish what they start. Some said they would have confronted the owner and/or the teacher. And some agreed with my decision. I learned a bit about myself and my kid that day. She could have thrown a fit, but she simply walked out and clearly articulated her needs. What would have happened to our bond and her trust in me if I had ignored it? She looks to me to be her hero, her helper, her teacher, and her friend. But most of all, her mama.

So, back to lessons. We also do swim lessons, she calls them that. Really it is swim play and she asks me to teach her things or spot her while she tries out "dangerous tricks." She trusts me to not let her drown. She trusts me to catch her. I think she calls these swim sessions lessons because she has been taught to by PBS kids shows and peers that when you learn something it is a lesson. Schoolish thinking.

Lessons, just a word, but we have decided to make it our own. It is our way of countering the culture of schoolish creeping in.

How We "School" Part 2

This is really more about how we found community. When Lil'Bug was a little over a year old I sought out homeschool groups online and park days to attend. I attended these with another mom who had a slightly older child, still not of official schooling age.

I am so very glad I did search because of what I learned. Some of the groups showed disdain and suggested that I go find a toddlers moms group. I tried those, but most of the kids were heading to public school and while I have no problem with that, I also needed others to talk to about our choice.

Our choice is different even to the traditional school at home community. We unschool.
Finding unschooling community is really important. I found another great local support group, and they were inclusive, but the majority were school at home and there was a lot of unspoken disdain towards unschooling. Especially when it was time to talk curriculum. Perhaps it was just me feeling left out or uncomfortable, but when failings of various methods became topic, I couldn't help but join in with statements about children learning naturally vs forced useless subjects; the negative feelings swelling up in ME ultimately led me to back away. I wasn't adding anything good, just salt to the pot. With the unschoolers, learning naturally is a priority and a goal worthy of working towards.

Then I found it, a park day hosted by unschoolers. That has made all the difference. Why?

1) Other moms to chat with
2) Other kids to play with
3) No age segregation, the 3 year olds are welcome to play with the older kids and vice versa
4) Sunshine

I could go on and on.....Lil'Bug asks to go every week. The games they invent there come home with us. She climbs trees and explores and buries treasure and trains as a Kung Fu Master Princess Warrior and and and.....

A couple weeks ago the only kids there were unschooler boys over the age of 11. They welcomed her into a game of Frisbee, helped her with her fighting moves, and discussed with her the merits of root beer. The next week the only kids were all under 7 and the wild game involved dragging tree limbs to build a house in the woods.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I sit down with the other moms. My doubts are eased when the kids strike up a conversation with the group, adults and kids, about kayaking or peaches or politics....these always unschooled kids are not wild, strange, unsocialized recluses but rather articulate, civilized, and engaging young people. Compared to them I am the strange, unsocialized recluse.

I get asked the question by others all the time, you know, THE question about unschooling: how do you know it works? Part of what fuels my confidence is this weekly burst of exposure to other families and the large range of children thriving in this method, really, this lifestyle.

More than that, I feel at ease when breastfeeding or talking about cloth diapers or chatting about local foods and my aversion to corn syrup and oil. Or bees. I had a 45 minute conversation about bees recently. I have all these interests and once a week I can sit down with IRL moms and no one gives me a hard time when I say I aspire to be a sheep farmer or I want to dye my hair purple again.

I look forward to Thursday afternoons almost as much as Lil'Bug.

Who's Side Are You On?

Today Lil'Bug exclaimed, "Who's side are you on? Don't give him the Oregano!" As I was handing dearest the seasoning for dinner.

She was betrayed deeply when I handed it to him because obviously I was not on her side.

She also informed me that she was going to open a flower shop because she has lots of flowers and she'd be good at it.

She licked the mirrors at the eye doctor. Then she was thrilled to help clean them.

It has been a day like that.

Me, I am filled with a restlessness. We put our home on the market and, even though the market is terrible, I half expected at least one call by now. Even though the house isn't technically ready. Even though the picture isn't up yet on Realtor.com. Even as I have a pile of laundry to get through, drapes and pictures still to hang, and some painting to do. I expected a call. At least one.

It is more than that. We will be caught in a middle phase when we do sell. We can look for a house now, not able to buy until we sell, or we can wait and either way we can't buy until we sell so the new house has to be on the market when we do sell OR we need to find a place to rent for a short while and we have 2 birds, a dog, a cat, and 2 tornado tots. And a short while could be anywhere between 6 weeks and 2 years. And we may end up moving to Ohio. It is a time of great change and just thinking about it sends me into a small panic.

So do we get our hopes up for the 40 acres with pond, a turn of the last century home restored by an Amish family? Or do we quit tormenting ourselves with all the possibilities Realtor.com has to offer and wait until we sell to even look? I spent at least an hour looking today when I should have been painting or making apple butter.

I need to be able to visualize. I need to have something in mind to work for. So far my hopes and prayers have been with the visual focus of an apple tree. Is that silly? I have always been a dreamer. The dreams help me work toward goals.

Our goal is simple: we want an acreage to homestead. We want to raise our own food, everything: milk, cheese, eggs, fruit, berries, nuts, veggies, grains, honey, fish- everything. Then, maybe we could consider a CSA once we become self supporting. It will be a lot of work. I love a challenge. I also want sheep for wool. I want to learn to knit our own socks. I want to raise chickens and pick fruit at sunrise and run and play in the sunshine in an open field of wild flowers with my children.

Completely unrelated, I got assigned another Lit class for the Spring semester! Now I'll be teaching Kid Lit and Science Fiction. Neat.

So, while these thoughts are not completely as articulated and organized as I would like, neither have I been.

Cold Rain

Today it is raining and it is cold.

Today I have many things and thoughts running around in my head, dizzy. I will go clean and hang pictures and then come back write about them. Expect a few longish posts later today.

A strange bit of anxiety soup hangs think in the air today.

Building Houses

I looked out the window this week and found:

Dearest got bored playing pirates go to Mars and together they built this, a faerie house. In something like 30 minutes. Perhaps I am not the only one here that can bend time?

Lil'Bug has been writing and leaving notes for the faeries. She checks and they have taken every message!

This week we also hosted this little guy:

Beauty and music all in one little critter. :)