Upon Waking WIth a Baby

This post at FOILHAT made me think today. Here are my thoughts:

This week or last Blueberry was officially the same age Lil'Bug was when my maternity leave was over and I went back to work. Full time+ some+ graduate school+ volunteer work+ + +

Lil'Bug would cry and be awake all day and then sleep from when I picked her up until the next morning with a 2 hour I'm up and play session from 2am-4am. Unless I was in class at night and then she'd cry until I got home. She was a high maintaince baby, to put it gently. Or was she?

Waking up in the morning was a forced and hurried ritual of diaper change, bottle and milk gathering, dressing, loading, dressing myself and out the door. Getting home was more of the same plus laundry, studying, cleaning, and thesis work.

This past morning I realized forcefully what I had missed.

Waking gently in the morning with a babe touching my face and smiling. Giggles.
or
Waking with a ray of sunrise peeking through the curtains and watching the sweetness of my two sleeping children snuggled together.
or
a million other variations of the same.

A gentle start to the day. Pure happiness.

I got to be the one to take Blueberry to the zoo for her first visit. Watch her roll over for the first time. Get to know her during her awake times. I lost that time with Lil'Bug. I have always mourned that loss but recently I have nurtured an understanding of that loss, a wound, how deep it is.

That is a cost that can not be offset by money. By working. I am raising my children. That is my choice. I am working too, but blessed enough to do so at times they are sleeping or playing and I can set down my work when they need me.

Perhaps working moms who have always worked will never know this loss, perhaps they do. Amy said in her post that she is feeling a lot of resentment from them. Perhaps it is not what it appears to be and it is the anger phase of grief?

I don't know, can't say for certain, but I never get snotty to working moms. I assume they've weighed the options and made the best choice for themselves and/or their family. I think though, that raising children and caring for your home are very de-valued by many. I know a couple moms who homeschool just to justify continuing to stay home, to fill a void in their own worth. It is not nessecary. Raising kids is hard work. Period. Homeschooling? Piece of cake, Black Forest Chocolate layer cake with fancy frosting.......anyway, now I am hungry.

My point is this, lets not de-value others OR ourselves. Go over and give Amy a virtual hug. (Oh, and she makes soap too!)