My children go grocery shopping with me. They have done this since Lily was about 10 months old. Before that I was terrified of shopping alone with a baby. I constantly thought I would break her. It wasn't until I mastered the ring sling and was shamed into it that I dared even attempt it. I had to grocery shop for the museum I worked at and would go on my lunch break so I could also get my own shopping done at the same time ALONE.I was shamed into it because the day care provider I used had an emergency and when I managed to get off work and go get Lily, my car was full of groceries and she thought I had stopped and grocery shopped while she waited for me to get there to get my kid so she could take hers to the emergency room. Why couldn't I have taken Lily?
Because I couldn't. I just couldn't. Terrified.
Part of it was that I was terrified of taking my baby alone out anywhere. Getting her to daycare on my own was a feat of miracles. She was so heavy. She was also so breakable.
So when I did finally venture out, first with Chad along, and then on my own, strangers' criticizing was devastating. Mind blowing crushing emotional disaster zone. If I put shoes on Lily, "Oh baby's feet should be bare!"....if I left them bare, "Oh she'll be too cold and get a chill and get sick!" AND DIE. In July when temperatures outside slid into the 100's. For real.
Babywearing helped and harmed. "She'll never learn to walk!" She'll be dependent on me forever and never talk, walk, or wipe her own butt. Those are real fears for a new mom. Lily however had other plans. She often would respond right back, sassy and all, "NO, NEVER!" I could hold her close and recover my own heartbeat and confidence, snuggled to my heart in her sling.
Fast forward to now, three kids, one who doctors actually thought might never walk and folks were fine with blaming the baby carriers we used and not his genetic condition. Thank God I was a lot more confident by then! At the local coffee house I got scolded for not offering him food too when he was 4 months old and exclusively breastfed and then again scolded when I offered him yogurt at age 15 months. In between was a constant volley back and forth of me being polite while sucking down the coffee my kids so aptly named, "The child saver brew." Thanks kids. (Mocha caramel latte with whipped cream and three cherries on top. )
At the grocery store things were different. People commented freely on our vegetable choices. On the contents of my cart. The cashiers actually thought we were vegetarians because I NEVER buy grocery store meat. Nope. Not ever. Except for the meat on frozen pizza and the occasional alligator fillets. More comments about bare baby feet. For real people. Comments assuming we used foodstamps, even though we didn't.
It got me thinking....maybe the problem isn't overly intrusive strangers and creepers. Maybe it is just the way we make small talk? In general? We comment on things. We try to share our secret stash of food and parenting knowledge. The cashier might have been on foodstamps herself and looking for that connection too. We try and say, here, let me help because what we really mean is here, I am lonely, please look me in the eye and make me feel less invisible?
Because I get that. I get that so deeply in my core. Even now, as motherhood joyously skips into the next phase and era and I am no longer breastfeeding and rarely babywear in public, I am losing that badge of identity that says to other moms, "Hey, I'm in your club. I'm on your side. I know." I am flickering out of that public view and needing to still make connections with others, grasping at that. I almost drove around the block and rolled down my window just to yell, "Hey, AWESOME BABY CARRIER!" to a local mom in our small town, but then froze, because creeper. I drove home. I still have no idea who she is, just that someone else in my small town gets the benefits of babywearing. Sigh.
So now when folks approach me and my gaggle of kids, often in full dress up and theatrical mode, at the grocery, offering inedible strange advice, I introduce myself and my children and tell them about whatever ingredients I am buying. I make eye contact and smile. We become less invisible.
I like your perspective! Maybe people are trying to make a connection even if it's through clumsy attempts. Personally, I don't mind certain types of suggestions and I definitively don't mind compliments from strangers just as long as it's not rude.
ReplyDeleteYeah, rudeness is no acceptable.
ReplyDeleteI used to experiences the SAME thing when my two youngest were babies, not even 2 years apart. I was a YOUNG mother and in a foreign country and very frazzled. It was not a very helpful thing......
ReplyDelete