This post is not about what you think it is about.
It is about my house. The house that is not my house anymore.
For 13 years I was the The Mistress of Hatton House. I need to let that go. I need to say goodbye to that part of my life. I still come across items and pin it thinking it would be perfect for the back parlour. The house doesn't even have the same floor plan now, and still I dream about walking the halls and the ghosts that haunted me when I lived there.
The empty rooms used to laugh at me when I cried longing for a baby. Infertility. PCOS. Broken systems. Not the right time.
I know why these themes are haunting me again.
Isaac is two and starting to wean. My body is returning to the phase that waits for the next baby to grow and come. That is no longer a possibility for us. Some people know when their family is complete, and I know ours isn't. That doesn't change the fact that in the course of three births and one tramautic delivery, the scaring and damage is too great to support life anymore. That makes me sad to the depths of my soul and brings me back to the tear filled heartbroken days that I longed to get pregnant, each month, each year, a let down after a burst of hope.
I have three beautiful children. The memories of this era are returning and I am grieving for the loss.
To let go of the Hatton House is to let go of that grief and move on. We left the house incomplete. The projects we started were not done, left in a state of not done, as we packed and moved on to our next adventures. In many ways we are still paying for that era, that education, and if asked, "Was it worth it?" I will answer a million times, "Yes."
Our family is incomplete, not done, left in a state of not done, and yet we have packed up and moved on to our next adventures. I see the parallel. I feel it to the depth of my heart. I tremor with longing when I hold my friends' tiny new babies. This is hard to let go of.
I thought that writing about it might make the transition easier, maybe it will.
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A blog about farming, unschooling, feminism, 22q deletion syndrome, cooking real food, homesteading, permaculture, and motherhood.