Happy

Happy.

Happy is a difficult thing to describe. My aunt asked me today if I am happy. Oh yes. Yes I am.

Happy is full of things that are hard to explain for me though. I am happy that my kids are healthy right now in this moment.

I am blessed to come home to a beautiful farm in a geographic area of some of the Earth's most fertile farmland.

I can see the sunrise and sunsets over an amazing landscape and understand the beauty of it.

I can hear all the crazy noises of the countryside and know what they are.

My husband loves me and he respects me. Every time he says something to this topic on face book or in conversation, I am startled and humbled. Sometimes I don't see or frame out the enormity of some of the things I have accomplished, it is amazing and wonderful to have someone be proud about things I have done and mean it. My children pick up on that and repeat these sentiments daily and that makes a huge difference in relationship and parenting.

I love my house. I have lived in and worked on and even loved other houses, but this one is different. This one is well built, practical, and beautiful all at the same time. It fits me. I love the light through the windows. I love the colour on the walls. I love the Southern view from my dining room. I love it. That has made it easier to let go of the Hatton House and her legacy.

I am writing again. I'm not sharing it publicly yet. Yes, I am blogging daily again, but I am also writing poetry again. I have not done that in 10 years and it is a big deal to me artistically and personally. Writing fills me up. My mindset is slipping back into artistic thinking, playing with word phrasing and rhythms through the day, paying attention to sounds and thoughts and structure. This has grounded me in many ways and washed over me with calm. I am also craving time at the keyboard or with my notebooks. I am making that time happen twice a day.

I have surrounded myself with women who are mentors, wise women, kind, and funny. I did a hatchet job murdering the drama and crap and toxic blah out of my life and that has left wounds that are still healing, but still, needed to be done. Like irritating zombies, though, it still creeps in the night. Bring it. Hatchet ready. Git Off Me Lawn. Seriously though, I have met and cultivated relationships with some amazing women and I am really cherishing our conversations. This has helped the most in my happiness factor. For many years I have been so lonely and struggled finding open minded, compassionate friends.  These last three, a handful have carried me through Isaac's pregnancy and diagnosis and helped me learn the language of special needs parenting. For that, I am deeply grateful, forever and always.

I am happy. I am ok with dishes in the sink. I have two washing machines and can keep up with laundry washing (not folding yet though) most weeks. I only have one room left that has an unpainted corner. Goodness that bothers me.

I am happy that Isaac is walking. I am flooded with joy and almost moved to tears when he toddles around a corner saying, Mama Mama Mama Mama...... I love that sound. That is happy.

Happy is the way Holly lights up when she runs into ballet class. As soon as her feet hit the floor of the studio, her face lights up, she spins and leaps, and becomes Holly!!!! I love watching her dance.

Happy is Lily elbow deep in clay, throwing bowls in clay class. Isaac playing drums. Holly explaining why she loves yellow and ice cream. Happy is Chad fishing, a fresh new peach pie recipe hot out of the oven, getting a standing ovation at dinner over a new pork ribs recipe, finding a wild plum tree loaded with fruit, harvesting tomatoes, eating frozen starfruit, chasing fireflies in the blue hour, believing in unicorns still and always.

What I am trying to tell is a story of these moments, being in these moments, as they flit away like dandelion seeds in the summer wind, just not knowing where we are going, but loving where we are now. A little fear that this is too perfectly happy and will somehow end taunts me at night when I should be sleeping, but I whisper and sooth that voice in the dark back to sleep and keep on living this dream while it lasts.