Birth Story In Detail

Then things began to get complicated. Seriously, I was in labour for two weeks if not more. Something called predromal labour. Good times that. Two false alarms at the hospital, contractions 6 minutes apart at almost full strength for 14 days. The last 3 days things kicked up a notch. The pain was so bad I was throwing up and shaking so we went in to the hospital yet again on Tuesday.

We checked in and I was 1 centimeter, 50 percent effaced. I wanted to go home, since that is nothing. The doc came in to check 30 minutes later- 3 centimeters, 85% effaced. ???? Also, yay! 1 hour later I was 5 centimeters and 100%, and labouring in a birth suite. Sweet.

Then the pain jacked up another notch. My contractions were still 6 minutes apart and "abnormal", as in the peaked immediately and then took 90 second more to ease off (though to say they eased off is weird). In between, my whole body was wracked with pain and I started vomiting again. 5 hours later........no progress, still at a 5.

My birth team, including my doula, discussed and suggested an epidural, so I could rest and maybe my body would relax enough to normalize the contractions. The baby was not descending and that was why my labour was stalled. Maybe if I would relax then we could get into other positions that would realign her head position to descend? So we tried. The epidural too three tries to get in right, but then it was such sweet relief.

4 hours after that, my water was broken. Thick green meconium was present, which means the baby was in distress and pooped. My dilation was 4.5 and effacement was 90%. Part of my cervix was swollen AND I started running a fever.

The doctor suggested pitocin to again try and speed up the labour since we were now at risk. I reacted poorly to pitocin last time AND it increases the risk of uterine rupture in VBACs.

He offered us two choices, wait and let time pass to see if we would progress (baby's heartrate was still good) OR have C-section. If the baby went into distress they would knock me out and do a CS anyway. It was nice to have a choice. It was good to be reassured that the baby was still doing well and that the choices were still all ours.

Still, I was educated. I knew that my fever and the very dark, muddy amniotic fluid was bad news. I am a mother above all and my baby needed me.

With the epidural in place already, I was ready for surgery. The thing is, the epidural only turns down the volume of the pain. I could still feel pain plus the narcotics added made me unable to move my arms or neck or face. I felt like I couldn't breathe. This was very unlike my first c-section where I could hold my husband's hand and look at my new baby. I couldn't open my eyes.

Good thing too. Holly couldn't breathe for 3.5 minutes after she was born. I can't imagine the possible outcomes if I had waited or delayed my decision. The NICU team was awesome.

My dear husband was traumatized.

I shook too hard in the hours after her birth to hold her or breastfeed her. I will grieve for that time lost, but that is all.

Every single one of my docs said that my attempt was heroic and really good. Through the whole thing they were supportive and respectful of my choices and needs.

Plus, even though the actual labour was gruelling and the surgery hellish (due to the type of anesthesia) , my recovery was been awesome. I am still taking it slow, but I am still present for my family.

Update

So far, feeding today has been excellent. Every two hours, about, AND a poop about that often of the right color. Whew. Still, I have a postpartum doula coming in the morning and the doctor visit early this week. I don't want to use the nipple covers for long and last time it was Lil'Bug's aggressive personality that got us over that bump.

Actually, so far, today has been better on many levels. We've settled back into being home.

New Parent Anxiety

New Parent Anxiety.

A problem condition fed by well meaning relatives, hospital staff, and parenting books. When applied in small doses, learning may occur. When triggered by a small piece of paper sent home from the hospital, it can lead to tears, feelings of inadequacy, and sleepless nights.

Case in point:
I knew we needed to work on breastfeeding skills. That is why I went and got the silicon nipple covers. I knew Blueberry wasn't feeding enough and was sleeping too much, at least more than Lil'Bug ever did. I was reassured that some newborns actually do sleep through the night and that most newborns sleep, eat, and poop all day and all night and sometimes all three at the same time.

When we started to unpack stuff from our hospital stay I found the breastfeeding/poop log. On the top was a guide to how much and what kind of poop we should see.

Yeah. No. She was still pooping like a day old newborn instead of a week old. ????? She was slightly jaundice when we checked out of the hospital, so not pooping is really bad news. She's peeing enough, so not dehydrated, but still. So then I felt all twisted inside, my heart hurt- I had let the poor feedings go on too long! I had relished the 6 hours of sleeping instead of questioning how hard it was to wake her up to eat. I am the worst mom in the whole world. My poor baby.

Really, I had already addressed the problem and her feeding is WAY better, even more than recommended (as in every 2 hours) and she is now pooping A LOT of the right color poop. But still, last night was really rough. Lots of tears. Dearest was great support, but I know he was/is feeling the anxiety too.

Tomorrow's well baby visit cannot come fast enough.

Breastfeeding, Magic Milk

Warning to relatives: this post will contain human anatomy details you may not want to know about me!

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Breastfeeding isn't easy, at least for me. It may have seemed like that with Lil"bug, but the first six weeks were really hard. We saw the lactation consultant more than friends and family during that time. I tried every gadget known to Medela. Ultimately some things worked and some just drained my confidence. Some of those gadgets are so dehumanizing.

This time, Blueberry has a voracious latch BUT my nipples are still inverted (which means they pop in instead of out). She can't really get a mouth full. Luckily when the engorgement of milk coming in came- I'd just squirt her mouth full over and over, use the breast pump to keep high production, and called it good. That got us out of the hospital with minimum concern from the nurses. Still she was frustrated at every feeding and that is not good.

The thing is, I knew that when that phase calmed down we'd both be in trouble and she would not have learned to latch properly. I have a postpartum doula coming soon, but not soon enough. So in a quiet moment in the middle of the night I decided to get another set of silicon breast shields. I remembered that Lil'Bug learned how to latch using these and at 6 weeks old she had the hang of it, how much she was supposed to suck and how hard, and it was a good 3 years more after that.

I was right. I just fed Blueberry the best, longest feeding she has ever done. No crying, no head nodding trying to get a mouthful, no arching back. 30 minutes of continuous, productive latch with good suction.

I hate using plastic, but really, this is working. I wonder how many moms have given up either not knowing about the aid or intimidation from hospital staff about starving their babies. With Lil'Bug that last factor contributed to the start of my postpartum depression. This time, I actually rolled my eyes at one of the nurses. When they warned me about how I'd have to supplement, I responded, "Or I could pump breast milk and feed the measurable amounts to her, right?" Yes. So why exactly, in my situation, would formula be even mentioned. Gah.

That said, my babes are lucky I am so stubborn.