Pregnancy Update: New Doc, Happy Mama

I met with the new doc for an official prenatal yesterday. There were some complications with the timing of the actual appointment, something happened at the hospital and then the doctor had a death in his extended family. That left me waiting for about an hour before actually seeing him. In that hour I read half a sci-fi novel (and it really was not very good) and then opened up the folder they gave me as a new patient.

Wow. The packet outlined every single visit and what to expect. The cost of each test or exam. What tests were standard and included and what test might come up. It took about 4 pages for that. Then they spent a small section on possible emergency situations and what to expect, including that their C-Section rate, including elective repeat C/S is only 15-20%! That is really amazing. The first group I was with was 35-40%, but to be fair they do take on more high risk patients in general.

Prenatal vitamins are provided as part of the package, but the doc said with my awesome diet I don't need them. I take the ones I already have anyway though. It can't hurt and sometimes I feel like I'm not eating enough veggies.

So the visit itself....the doc sat down and went over all of my pregancy records, from the infertility pre-Lil'Bug through this pregnancy. Asked about every screening, every test, every complication listed. Went over family health history in detail. I mean, he actually read my file. I'm not sure my other docs ever did that and they are the ones who cut me open.

This was the first time I have ever felt at ease with a doctor, let alone a male doctor. I have issues, I know and I work on those issues, but this time I actually felt like the doctor cared. 

He did the belly check and was concerned about the measurement as it put me father along then the charts indicated, but he pointed out that I am short waist-ed and that would account for that. Just to make sure, he asked to do an ultrasound. Yes, he asked. Since I had canceled the genetic screening ultrasound in DM that would check for the spinal deformities that run in my family, I agreed. He checked for the spine and heart health first. Yes, he did the ultrasound himself, not a tech called in. All is well with baby and he even pointed out that the baby looked smiling. That's the note he put on the picture print too, SMILING BABY. So sweet.  The dating is still questionable though, but he said we'll stick with the first ultrasound's date since it is later, December 1st. Another point for the doc, in my book.

He's still ok with us attempting vbac2. He said he would go over my surgical records and make sure nothing was noted that would indicate that I couldn't. He's very thorough. I like that. All in all my actual appointment time with him was an hour and a half. Pretty impressive.

Everything is just right. Even the nurses are kind. :)  Funny thing is that I keep losing track of how many weeks I am, just the due date sticks. So for the record, right now I am 15.5 weeks.

Baby Love

Learning the Hard Way

How is Lil'Bug doing? I started this post the weekend we went into labour, but most of it is still right on.

These last weeks have been hard on Lil'Bug. We are usually on the move, go go go. But my inability to drive made us house bound. When Lil'Bug would ask, "Can we go to x,y,z today?" I'd say, YES! But now I have to explain over and over that I can't drive right now and how about we wait until Dad gets home or offer various other activities around the house.


Several lovely friends had graciously come over to relieve out tedious days, however.....yes, there is a however, Lil'Bug is so wound up and grumpy that these play dates ended early and/or with injury. Some of these incidents are with good friends that she usually plays well with. I could not continue to ask these friends to come over and subject their children to her fits. You see, she has taken to biting again, something we haven't seen in about two years. She has taken a chomp at just about every family member and several of good friends. She even bit me at the hospital.

As I reflected on this, I understand it. Her whole life is changing. Much the way she changed our lives almost 4 years ago, her little sister has changed hers. She is nervous and scared and anxious. She doesn't want to make me unhappy or worried so she is taking it out on everything else. It is ironic, I observed the same behaviour in another family who was expecting and I never thought twice about it, except that my kid is so different from them. Well, maybe not so much.


What can I do about it, really? I continue to be patient and loving, but I am tired and scared and worried too. Half the time she is really trying hard to be mature and thoughtful and helpful, and then suddenly it is too much and she explodes. I feel that way too, but my explosion is in frantic laundry folding and tears instead of fists and fangs. What we used to do when things got rough was take a walk in a quiet park, but none are nearby and if she runs off I can't chase her and she knows it. She can't even sit on my lap because she slides off my knee. She has cried herself to sleep several nights in my arms.

The hospital stay was rough. The room made her nervous and she'd open the door and take off down the hall, she was so disruptive she couldn't be there as much as she or we would have liked. She cried a lot and said she missed me being home. The only thing that actually helped was me coming home.

She has asked to go back to being a family of just Mama, Daddy, and Lil'Bug and then in the next 10 minutes will gush about how much she loves and likes her little sister. I know how it is possible to feel both, I'm the oldest of my sibling group too. I've talked to her about that, how I felt when Aunt Bee was born, what I did, and how I acted. This seems to have given her permission to talk to me about how she feels. Sometimes it is painful to hear the things she says, but she trusts me enough to say these things and that is really important to validate.

She really is a good big sister, I know it has been rough on her. Things are getting better, for all of us.

New Parent Anxiety

New Parent Anxiety.

A problem condition fed by well meaning relatives, hospital staff, and parenting books. When applied in small doses, learning may occur. When triggered by a small piece of paper sent home from the hospital, it can lead to tears, feelings of inadequacy, and sleepless nights.

Case in point:
I knew we needed to work on breastfeeding skills. That is why I went and got the silicon nipple covers. I knew Blueberry wasn't feeding enough and was sleeping too much, at least more than Lil'Bug ever did. I was reassured that some newborns actually do sleep through the night and that most newborns sleep, eat, and poop all day and all night and sometimes all three at the same time.

When we started to unpack stuff from our hospital stay I found the breastfeeding/poop log. On the top was a guide to how much and what kind of poop we should see.

Yeah. No. She was still pooping like a day old newborn instead of a week old. ????? She was slightly jaundice when we checked out of the hospital, so not pooping is really bad news. She's peeing enough, so not dehydrated, but still. So then I felt all twisted inside, my heart hurt- I had let the poor feedings go on too long! I had relished the 6 hours of sleeping instead of questioning how hard it was to wake her up to eat. I am the worst mom in the whole world. My poor baby.

Really, I had already addressed the problem and her feeding is WAY better, even more than recommended (as in every 2 hours) and she is now pooping A LOT of the right color poop. But still, last night was really rough. Lots of tears. Dearest was great support, but I know he was/is feeling the anxiety too.

Tomorrow's well baby visit cannot come fast enough.

Breastfeeding, Magic Milk

Warning to relatives: this post will contain human anatomy details you may not want to know about me!

******

Breastfeeding isn't easy, at least for me. It may have seemed like that with Lil"bug, but the first six weeks were really hard. We saw the lactation consultant more than friends and family during that time. I tried every gadget known to Medela. Ultimately some things worked and some just drained my confidence. Some of those gadgets are so dehumanizing.

This time, Blueberry has a voracious latch BUT my nipples are still inverted (which means they pop in instead of out). She can't really get a mouth full. Luckily when the engorgement of milk coming in came- I'd just squirt her mouth full over and over, use the breast pump to keep high production, and called it good. That got us out of the hospital with minimum concern from the nurses. Still she was frustrated at every feeding and that is not good.

The thing is, I knew that when that phase calmed down we'd both be in trouble and she would not have learned to latch properly. I have a postpartum doula coming soon, but not soon enough. So in a quiet moment in the middle of the night I decided to get another set of silicon breast shields. I remembered that Lil'Bug learned how to latch using these and at 6 weeks old she had the hang of it, how much she was supposed to suck and how hard, and it was a good 3 years more after that.

I was right. I just fed Blueberry the best, longest feeding she has ever done. No crying, no head nodding trying to get a mouthful, no arching back. 30 minutes of continuous, productive latch with good suction.

I hate using plastic, but really, this is working. I wonder how many moms have given up either not knowing about the aid or intimidation from hospital staff about starving their babies. With Lil'Bug that last factor contributed to the start of my postpartum depression. This time, I actually rolled my eyes at one of the nurses. When they warned me about how I'd have to supplement, I responded, "Or I could pump breast milk and feed the measurable amounts to her, right?" Yes. So why exactly, in my situation, would formula be even mentioned. Gah.

That said, my babes are lucky I am so stubborn.

More pictures!

Aunt Bee!

Check out all that beautiful hair!

Such a proud big sister!

I am the happiest mom ever!

Sunday

Still having contractions, very painful. I slept/rested most of the day while Dearest and Lil'Bug did the grocery shopping and went to the zoo.

Sometimes I was grateful for the alone time and sometimes I really wished that they would come home soon and hug me. Those urges were about 5 minutes apart. :)

There have been moments of reflection today where I was just about ready to throw in the towel and just schedule surgery. The pain is worse that my last recovery and at least I could take pain meds then. Then I focus, breathe, scream a little, and remember that at least I am dealing with this now and not while trying to nurse a newborn. I remember how much is sucks to not drive, but better now than a whole additional six weeks. I remember that I am not alone; though prodromal labour is rare, many women have come through it.

I was strong enough to go home from the hospital. I am glad my water did not break, even though it was a bit embarrassing to be told by the nurse it was likely that I wet myself (or it was the mucus plug dissolving plus fluid). Water breaking so early would not be a good thing for a VBAC attempt.

Messages of comfort and prayer keep flowing in just when I need them. Thank you, thank you.

Progress? Sigh.

Progress is an interesting word. We made progress today, but not in the usual use of the word when referring to labor.

My water did not, in fact, break. It was a gushy fluid but not amniotic. We finally called the Dr. in the afternoon and she wanted us to come in and get checked, I bristled because she didn't even ask about contractions and simply wanted me to labor NOT at home since I am VBAC.

So we met with our Doula first and then went in. My plug is gone, possible that was part of the fluid that trickled, and my cervix is not dilated but starting to get ready to. The exam was painful. I am tired. The Dr. wanted to observe my contractions but ultimately let us go home.

Did I mention I am tired? Prodromal labour sucks. On the other hand, it is a blessing that my water did not actually break or I'd be under the knife right now.

That said, I am going to rest now.

Progress

Update:
We are slowly laboring at home. We spoke to our doula this morning about how long we have before we go into the hospital, and decided to labor at home as long as possible. Could be until tomorrow morning, as long as I don't get a fever or bleed. I'm not having regular contractions, but the ones I do have a strong, about 7 minutes apart.

We woke Lil'Bug up and she was soooo happy. She hugged my belly. Now she is as Nana's watching another Land Before Time sequel and eating ice cream. We plan on heading out to visit her at lunch time. We'll bring her home later today and with us to the hospital if she wants to go.

So, what I am doing in the meantime is alternately resting, reading, movie watching, laundry, and cleaning. Dearest planted peppers and is outside now trimming the lilacs. We're keeping busy. An anxious, excited busy, but still!

Baby Update 38 Weeks, Fake Out Labour

Dr. appointment went well this week BUT here are some things I have learned about myself this past week.

I am a putterer when it comes to labor. Seriously. I have had regular contractions for almost a week now. A notch up from Braxton Hicks, longer periods each day, stronger each day. There is a name for this kind of labor: Prodromal Labour.

It is described as torture. It is described as confusing, discouraging, and degrading (people don't believe you and you stop believing it too). Then someone wrote that simply knowing that it is progression, though slow, is encouraging. That every contraction and pain now is one I won't face on the big day.

That was a turning point for me. I am a putterer. My labour will be slow because I need it to be, to get ready. There are theories that it helps prepare for big babies and mine might certainly be since Lil'Bug was 9 lbs 6oz when she was born. I also had this painful pre-labour time that sent us to the hospital early with her. It was not quite as intense as this time, but still there. It is not faking me out, since I know it is just part of the whole process.

Also, in researching I found that the contractions are so painful because of the positions I shift to. So, today I've tried others and I feel much better.

The Dr. appointment: all is the same, good stats, healthy babe. Ultrasound next week to double check some things. That's about it. It is a waiting game now.

Diapers and Such

I got my pocket diapers this week and a Moby Wrap on clearance. I have two ring slings, but I wanted another style to play with.

But first, the diapers. This time we are going cloth. Why? Have you ever felt a disposable? Very plastic-y. A contrast to the softness of a wee babe's skin. PLUS- Disposables are really expensive. The off-brands gave Lil'Bug hideous, bloody rashes, so we always had to buy the super expensive kind, even in bulk, it adds up. We are trying to cut costs where we can. The initial investment is offset by the fact that we are not replacing some of the plastic mainstream items and that we kept what we did use (swing, exersaucer, highchair). Also, the initial investment is nothing compared to what we paid in diapers the first 6 months with Lil'Bug. Goodness, could that little baby poop!

Pocket diapers are funny little things. They have an outside, breathable, waterproof cover, fleece inside and then a pocket between the two. In that pocket goes an absorbent insert. Why not just sew the insert in? Well, if left in (called an All In One Diaper) it takes a really long time to dry after washing and only one option for absorbency. So with the removable insert, faster dry times and you can upgrade the stuffer if the babe is a heavy wetter. Very cool.

Aren't they pretty? :) I am excited to use them. The style we got adjusts with the size of the baby, so one batch is all we'll need until potty training- newborn through 35 pounds. At 16$ a piece, that's not so bad! That's why we went with this model over others, the cost savings in sizes. I wanted to buy handmade from a local WAHM, but the size flexibility made this investment doable for us. However, I did buy 12 traditional prefolds with a fleece cover as a back up diapering option from her. There may come a time we need such back ups! LOL. Also, prefolds are really versatile as changing pads, burp clothes, etc.

Day in the Sunshine (Belly Pic)

Friends

You know those Hallmark commercials that can move certain people at certain times to tearful sobbing masses (ice cream in hand.....)?

I had a real life moment. Actually a series of them over the past week.

It started with a freak out from me over the Cardiologist appointment and not being ready for the new baby, then.......

My Dearest has been his sweet and wonderful self, but more so because he took extra time off work to help out around the house with stupid chores he hates, take us to various medical appointments and then ice cream, and bring me anything I want anytime with no complaint. No, not fried pickles with chocolate, but still. He's made an extra effort to reassure me and ask what I need to feel better/more ready.

Friends. You know, I think I am just about over the whole, "former friend really sucked and now I'm lonely forever, waaaaaaa," thing. This past week friends both local and online have really been awesome. Phone calls, emails, and comments all at the right time saying the right things. Seriously, I really needed all the love.

This morning a friend emailed and offered to drive us to the park day (the one I was afraid we'd miss because I can't drive); it occurred to her that we can't drive right now, so she offered! It was amazingly sweet and perfectly timed. This park day is special too, it's an annual dress up in the park and play in the flowers day.

And my sweet daughters. Lil'Bug has been singing and talking to June Bug. Today she told her, as her big sister so she should listen up, it is time to come out. Sweetie, I wish it was that simple.

Baby Update, 37 Weeks

I tested Strep +. Other than that everything was uneventful. No exam, all stats good. Dr. Pointy Shoes still optimistic about VBAC. Really optimistic. This is so different from what the online VBAC mother local community has been chatting about, I half expected to be putting up a fight by now and looking for a different provider- but so far so good!

So now we wait. In the meantime......

I don't feel ready. I don't feel put together. My laundry is undone again. I don't have all the diapers yet. The clothes pulled from the closet are not yet bagged up to go to donation. My class isn't released to students.

It is as if all my weekend anxiety over my Lil'Bug has transformed into an full blown raging tearful pregnancy mess of OMG I am not ready yet! I am also about ready to burst.

Part of it is cabin fever. Part of it is real. Part of it is hormones. Part of it is just everything being overwhelming.

And I know we are not using a nursery, but I totally see how that helped me prepare for Lil'Bug emotionally in a way that I have not done with June Bug. There is no way I am going out and purchasing a room suite to satisfy this either. That would be stupid. I have everything I need, really (except the last 1/2 of the diapers and a washable pail liner). I even bought a Moby Wrap on clearance so I have a 3rd baby carrier option.

But still panic, panic, panic.

Through it all Dearest Husband has been wonderful. He stopped and bought onsies, socks, hats and a diaper pail (a step pedal kitchen can really) on his way home from work. We moved the dresser we use as a changing table into the bathroom and strapped the changing pad to it. He planted the tomatoes, I planted the beans. Those little things have helped me feel more ready, but still.

We still need a name.

What is in a Name?

A Baby by any other name.....

Yes, naming a baby is an enormous task. We still have not settled on a name and have actually been calling her June Bug. We have a month or less to decide and still nada. Dearest Husband thinks he has a good name, Lil'Bug has a different one, and Nana has a third name she's decided on. Great.

With Lil'Bug it was easy, inspiration hit and that was it. This time, not so much and every name I have come up with has been either yucked at, decided that...."it's a good name for a pet fish," or just plain discarded by me a day later.

The Ninth Inning

Yay! This weekend we plan on planting. It is a couple days from the frost free date, but I will be so relieved to get it out of the way.

My courses for summer are almost designed and ready to allow student access to. Whew. That was a challenge.

Summer/winter clothes are almost changed out.

Now I have to get to the craft room/office area and make a baby friendly nook. I have to get the baby's clothes ready, diapers washed, etc. Set up a changing area upstairs. Simple things. I am going to repack our hospital bag, again.

Oh, and food. This next week I will make an extra casserole every day and freeze it. Each one is two 4 serving meals, so that's 14 + the 10 servings of chili we have frozen (we like chili!). I think that will do.

So we will be all set for when the baby comes after this weekend. Yes, perhaps I am trying to jinx myself into going into labor before we get it all done. It won't work though. :)

Baby Update: the Docs AND Park Day

We got there early. She saw us early. That was good.

Lily was really impressed by how pointy her shoes were. That was hilarious. Doc is now known as Dr. Pointy Shoes.

I had to have a Strep test, but not a cervical check. She asked if I wanted one and I asked if I needed it. She said no, not really, not yet. That was good.

She asked me questions about how Lil'Bug's pregnancy and birth went, in my perspective. She had studied my file thoroughly. That was good and reassuring.

She verified that we are measuring right at date, BP, protein, and sugar are all good. I asked her about the BH contractions, she said totally normal and actually good preparation. She said, I likely just didn't feel them the first time around, but they are usually more self detectable in second pregnancies and exactly how I described too.

She went over with me some of the things we do not want to happen this time, that could lead to a C-section. If my water breaks and labor has not progressed (like last time), they will advise for surgery (like last time). She said that if I test Strep positive, I'll have the IV hook up in and get the antibiotics, but I can disconnect and not have saline after that (so I can walk around). I'll have the belly monitor on, but free movement. I knew that already. No surprises there.

She spent quite a lot of time with me. She also explained that I'll have to see the Docs now, but I can opt to just see her or whomever I choose. She'd like for me not to drive out to the other clinic unless someone else is driving because of physical logistics (don't fit behind the wheel) and distance (35 minute drive there). So I will see her at the office 2 minutes from my house. That distance is ok for now, unless I feel it isn't. I really relaxed at her concern for my daily well being, my sunburn, and my feelings in general.

So, all in all, she thinks we can do the VBAC. No reason not to try, preferable than unnecessary surgery if we can do it, she said. Now we just let nature take its course.

So that's the baby update. Now, what that means is: Driving no more than 2-5 minutes at a time? We live in a sprawled out urban area. Some regular activities are now off the table. Like one of the weekly park days. To be specific, Lil'Bug's favorite park day with her friends and the big climbing tree. So we started a new park day on a different day at the park by our house. So far so good, only one other family came, but better than nothing AND it was another unschooling family with kids Lil'Bug's age! Whoo hoo!

What that also means is: Dearest must now do the grocery shopping and run Lil'Bug out to Nana's and Pawpaw's if she goes. It means I have to find someone (like wonderful Aunt Bee) to drive us to work things when needed. It means getting the house clean enough to have play dates here. That is harder than it sounds since I can't pick up things near my feet easily like laundry and toys. But, I think I have the system beat. For larger items I've been using the sucker hose on my vacuum to grab said items and lift them up! Ha ha!

Baby Update, Almost 36 Weeks

Almost, but not quite. I will meet with the Doctors tomorrow, as anticipated. I have a couple questions in mind, mostly about the Braxton Hicks contractions that settle in around 2:30 pm everyday and last through dinner. Around 6 per hour. Doesn't seem to matter if I am active or not, how much water I drink, what position I am in. Everyday. Done by bedtime. I can't find anything about this online, just that BH are normal. I didn't have anything like this with Lil'Bug.

I am guessing it's a good thing anyway since a baby hasn't fallen out yet. :) I might just skip asking until I see the midwife next week. Depends on how comfortable I feel with the Doc.

I am huge, BTW. Now every time I go out someone asks if I am having twins, due yesterday, or carrying a big boy. When I say due in June, one little girl, the reply is anything from, "Right...." to "You know, docs can get it wrong, you may have twin boys in there...." Ugh. Why does pregnancy invite strangers to comment on my reproductive organs anyway? Or my weight. I know I am huge. HUGE, but that doesn't make it ok to guess my poundage. Or comment on my butt, thighs, or lack of neck (which I think is weird, since I still have a chin line). Anyway, it makes me not want to go out.

Also, I have a question for anyone who'll take it up:
What, if anything, did you take to the hospital that you ended up using? Last time we packed tons of things and used very few. So far I have PJ's, robe, socks with treads, baby outfit, de-tangler, comb, hair ties, receiving blanket, underwear, camera. That's it. Oh, and the outfit I wear there, I'll wear home. I feel like I am missing something......

Baby Update 34 Weeks

Our 34 week check up on Tuesday went great. I expressed my fears and talked some things out a bit, asked for some special things (was granted), and made the 36 week visit with one of the doctors. I have to see the docs sometime, this next visit seemed like a good time. My iron count is good, but again they found traces of sugar. I'll track my meals this week and next, counting proteins and see if that helps at all.

Of course, Lil'Bug brought her doctor tools and followed what the midwife did and checked. It was adorable. Then she entertained the nurses with her vast knowledge of animal facts and the sounds those particular animals make when they are happy.

Then, as tradition dictates, Lil'Bug and I headed out for an adventure. We ended up at the zoo with friends and then stayed longer with other friends. We were there like five hours. Lil'Bug found the only huge accessible mud puddle and of course, as her nature dictates, jumped gleefully into it. It was in the 70's and we both, while basking in the sunshine, got sunburned! By the time we were done, our friend M. had to carry Lil'Bug the final stretch. So, too long, really. We made it home before she crashed into a nap, but just. The thing is that in doing so, she avoided the much needed nap all together. She got a second wind just as Dearest came home and that's when we hit the garden. Yay! We planted the first veggie bed of the year, hung new swings on the free swing set, and soaked up more sun.

Too much sun.

Wednesday morning we both woke up sun fried. Lil'Bug's mood was FOWL and we had a play date. Geez was that bad timing. S. and her son seem to get Lil'Bug on her bad days, but I enjoyed the visit at least. Still, Lil'Bug was in tears most of the time and was just plain mean the rest. It was very much out of character for her. My solution? I tried feeding her, thinking it may be hunger. Nope (though she ate and ate and ate). We cuddled and tried to watch a movie. Nope. Finally she asked for alone time and after a bit I ran her a Martian bath (we spent the rest of the afternoon on Mars, making Mars muffins, and exploring the life forms.....). All was much better after that. Still, she's burnt and tired. We canceled our other obligation for the evening.

What a rough day. I am pooped. I must remember that we've been inside so long that the sun needs to get reacquainted with our skin slowly and we both need to slow down a bit while running and playing in it. Spring has come late to Iowa, but we are just so joyful that it is finally here! Saturday we will plant broccoli and flowers and likely Daddy and Daughter will have a "boat day" that they both will enjoy while I take a nap.

Funny How Things Change

4 years ago I was planning and registering for Lil'Bugs baby shower. I registered for furniture, swings, portables, pack and plays, bedding, clothes, toys.........

I asked Dearest what he thought we should add and his response: diapers. In fact, he thought we should wipe the registry clean and register for nothing but diapers, millions of diapers. Bah, was my reply.

Last summer we sold all of the baby contraptions but for the one swing and an exersaucer. We gave away the crib (we co-sleep).

We don't really need all that stuff. Most of it got used for extra blankets and toy storage (we got rid of a lot of the extras of those as well....)

But this time I decided to start a registry anyway.... you guessed it, for diapers. Nothing but. Ok, that's not true, there's also a diaper pail, a pail liner, and some bibs. Heh. The difference is this time we registered for cloth diapers. I'm also trying to buy local, so it's a mixed registry. I picked mostly handmade products from a local WAHM, and it's all through an Internet store front run by another local WAHM. I hope it all works out and I don't end up hating cloth. I don't think I will.

It is certainly another step in the changes we have undergone as a family.

I don't think we are having a baby shower this time around either. I am undecided. I mean, we've only registered for diapers! However, Lil'Bug really wants to have a welcome baby party. I'm all for that, even considered having an after baby is born party BUT I feel uncomfortable with the tradition of passing the new baby around for all to hold. Once she's older, fine. I was like that with Lil'Bug too, the only exceptions were family and rarely very close friends. Even if people don't play pass the baby, lots of kids and people all together= germs a plenty and that's not good for new mama and baby. I've always held that the first month of the baby's life is precious family bonding time. So I am conflicted as to what to do. I need to decide soon, right?