Just a Day

I knew going into this adventure that things would be different, that days would be hard in ways that would be new to me. Even knowing that, some days just hit hard.

One morning the dogs didn't come when called. I had to load up the girls and drive around looking for them. It's harvest season and deer season and just not a good time to be MIA. I found them with a pack of dogs running down by the highway, covered in cow manure. So I loaded them up and brought them home. In loading up the girl pup, Lucy, I noticed that she was in heat.

There are options. She was not a year old yet and a small dog. The dogs they were running with were all pretty good size. One of them followed us home and stayed near Lucy's kennel all week. Nice fellow, I guess. Still, this is not what I intended to do with my week. We called the vet, as I needed time and a night to consider my options and stop being angry at myself for allowing her to run while I knew she was soon to have her first cycle. This is just the kind of situation I didn't expect, so it threw me a little.

We had her fixed and she recovered well. End of drama. She stays close to home now too. 

You know though, life is like that. You have to roll with the drama and just keep a level head. Our trip south was a lot of that. I've written before that I don't have much contact with my immediate family, and my aunt passing meant lots of sudden close quarters contact. I kept a level head. My car was wrecked on the way down, kept a level head. The insurance company did their red tape bull crap, I kept a level head (mostly, I did actually cry on the phone with Dearest in a moment of exhausted overwhelmed frustration), the thought of being stranded and without a vehicle 1000 miles from home was hard to wrap my mind around. One of my favourite beautiful awesome aunts and Lil'Bug fought almost constantly, but I kept my cool. Crazy awful relative said crazy mean hurtful things to me, I just centered myself and kept on with the day, because it really was a predictable thing to happen, though eventually it crossed a line and I took the girls on a museum day and then home to Iowa.

Once home I thought I would decompress and let myself grieve and instead I just went back to our everyday normal. My Aunt who passed meant a great deal to me and Christmas was hard, especially when I found giant Stam's chocolate Santas that I knew would make her laugh. Instead, I picked up a fiddle and signed up for lessons. One of the things I had talked to her about last summer was my regret of never learning to play and how much I admired her son, my awesome cousin, for picking it up. Then as I grieved I realized that the only thing holding me back as an adult from learning and stomping out that regret was me. I may never be very good but I don't care. I miss her, and the time I missed spending with her and her family, missed because of stupid family drama, lingers as hurt in my heart. I am very glad to have reconnected with my Cajun family and I am working hard to keep that fragile thread of a connection from breaking.

All in all, I just have to smile and keep on swimming. Every single day is a blessing. Standing outside tonight under a canopy of twinkling stars, half hearted melting snow crunching under my feet, I praised God for the gift of that moment and the peace I have found in my own heart.