Frozen in the Mud

This time of year I get a ton of stuff done and then have off days where I feel mentally stuck. I came across a concept plot theme online, called Being Erica, where the main character gets to go back in time and fix things that have gone wrong, her regrets. A little like Quantum Leap except that it is all just her.

It got me thinking. What are my own regrets? Have I righted them? One of my regrets was a ring that a friend gave me in middle school. We both thought it was play jewelery and when I found it it was a garnet set in white gold, I told her but refused to give it back. I was 12 and stupid. You know what, I still have that ring and the thing I regretted was that I felt it ruined that friendship. I sought her out on facebook, admitted my folly. You know what? She didn't even remember the ring, BUT she was thrilled to hear from me!

Another regret I have is my manuscript drawer. I have an almost complete manuscript in there, unfinished. I also have a folder containing a slip of paper from the New Yorker saying that my work was just not quite right, but could I revise and resend? I initially took this as a rejection letter, but yet it still sits there untouched. It came when we were moving and I had a lot of other things going on. What excuse do I have now, 11 years later. Every day that passes, I regret not mailing it out.

I regret getting out of the habit of writing. This I can fix, I think.

Ah. I regret firing my daycare provider #2 the way that I did. It was cowardly and I handled the aftermath poorly. She made a bad decision and I had every right to fire her, but I should have done it in person and not by email and the resulting flame email back and forth is what killed our friendship. Though in retrospect, it was fading out anyway. I guess the point is that I regret not being a better person and handling it all with grace. I have since tried a lot harder to be honest and in person with people. Sometimes I miss her, but I know that it is a dead friendship and there is no need to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I also regret the time I lost feeling sorry for myself.

You know, that has been my problem for many years. Being honest and in person with people. Not that I lie, but I guess it is a lie to say everything is fine when it isn't. Or that I'd rather not talk about it when I would. It is a skill I learned when I was growing up, to make the best of the situation I was in. The one time I sought help, no one believed me anyway. Abused kids don't ask for help, I didn't fit the profile. So I regret not standing up for myself, advocating for my own welfare. Being a little selfish on that front.

But on the opposite end of that (or maybe as example of that), I regret not having a better relationship with my sister. I think I get all huffy and puffy about things that don't matter because of the things that do matter to me that I can't talk about. I have told her how I feel and I get the brush off or she cries (thus I can't talk about it). So we stick to the safe topics which end up with us bickering and me reverting to the know it all role. Perhaps it is based in resentment that she escaped the abuse I suffered, not that I wish it on her in any way, but because it allows her to view the situation in a rosier light and still allow the abuser such a huge role in her life. Why wouldn't she, she wasn't physically hurt.

You know though, regret is an anchor that weighs our heart down. I don't want to change my life or where I am in it, but by reflecting on these things I can make a point not to repeat these mistakes and actually conquer the beasts in the manuscript drawer! So you see this is a season of reflection for me, and soon the days will get longer and the sun will shine again.