Facing my Fears: Facebook

Facebook. For goodness sake, I blog, so I already put it all out there. Why on earth am I so uncomfortable with Facebook? Really its just an organized way to stay in touch with the local mamas, right?

Then I got my first friend request from someone I don't really know. She's a nice person, a friend of my sister's, but I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her. Not even once. Why would she friend request me? So I started poking around. Some of these folks have 300+ "friends". Really? I mean, really? So my thought is perhaps it is like collecting Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all. Right?

To test this theory I name searched an old classmate who was very popular and valued just that. My conjecture would be that she'd have a lot of friends. Yup. 500+ Wow, I mean, just wow.

But people use FB for different things. It is a social media. Some people add people that they work with, that they went to school with, family, and the list can grow really big pretty quickly.

So I decided that I will accept invitations from people I actually know. You know, friends. That may limit my list to like 20 people but I am very ok with that. You know? The huge list of people doesn't seem to change the personal nature of their twitter like updates. But then I started thinking, it is different than blogging in that you SEE who you are sharing with, unlike blogging which is an open book.

So then, I started poking around my old classmate's list. I didn't attend the reunions for either of my old high schools, but people certainly look just as I imagined they would. Pictures can say a lot about what they value and personality too.  So then I was contemplating the value for me in connecting with old classmates. I'm not really all that different, just grown up.

But that's the thing. I am different. Not in personalty or likes, but in circumstances. When they knew me I was a scared little kid in an abusive home, bullied at school, and not a lot of hope. Then I moved to Iowa. Things didn't change much until I finally moved out and moved on. It takes a lot to extract oneself from the claws of the abusive person. But I did it. It was not painless, but it was necessary for the health of me and my family (though they still reach out and dish the hurt, ugh).

So that said, would connecting with any of those strangers really benefit me? Do I have time for that? I'm not really one for reminiscing over the glory days since they were pretty awful for me. I have to say I much prefer my life now. Another thing, I could not have imagined myself here, as I was then. What good does spending so much time connecting with old friends really do? Does it just keep us mired in the past instead of relishing the present and working for the future? Like Lot's wife, does looking back turn me into a pillar of salt (presumably from tears?)?

Then there is the issue of truth. Even the local mamas I know don't post a complete picture about themselves on FB or even their own blogs. So who are we really connecting with online? I see my use of FB as a local network and communication tool rather than some yearbook/online dating hybrid.

But by participating in Facebook I have put my picture and real name reachable. I think that's the heart of what bothers me. The anonymity of blogspot and my MP profile feels slightly protective, a mask that I take off when I choose, but that buffers my family, my children, our real lives- the ones we actually live now, from the world a little bit.

And then after all the hee hawing over what to do, I did it. And in doing so reconnected with three of my best friends from Illinois, friends that I had not seen or spoken to in 16 years.  That's half my life ago! For me it was a rewriting of the past, not fictional, but taking a fictional version and rooting out the truth. Replacing hurt and heartache caused by lies with simple truth. I needed that. I needed it more than I imagined I ever would. It was like taking a wound and finally allowing it to heal. I needed to remember that friendship to complete the picture of my past with something other than the abuser's version. Sounds sappy I know.

I still limit my friends list though. Call me cautious.