This weekend has not been very good. I worked on grading finals, I fixed more computer-y bugs in my class software (ok, compensated for them), and basically stomped around full of anger.
I wish that this time of year I could zen my way out of these feelings and be the peaceful mama that I know I can be. The inner turmoil has been terrible this year. The Omaha mall shootings triggered it. Of the terrible things in my past, I can include surviving and witnessing a terrible crime- I know first hand that the survivors and witnesses will suffer more in the coming years than the gunman ever felt in his teenage angst. PTSD is an easier label but it is not so easy to live with. Pray for them and their families and then pray that you and your loved ones never suffer so.
Then this time of year always brings the recourse of the hard decision we made years ago: to cut off contact with my former abusers. They are family and many of the rest of my family call my very hard decision a feud and tell me to get over it, to grow up, to move on. That angers me. I have grown up and in growing up I choose not to allow people, regardless of some biological link, to treat me in such horrible ways, to allow the abuse to continue in any form or expose my children to such behaviors. That means for me that beloved cousins and aunts and uncles do not visit us when they come to town, they do not call anymore. For some it is easier not to believe me or to "put family" and loyalty first. What am I exactly, chopped liver? It is the last vestige of how the abusive people can wield their power of hurt. For some reason, it is only at the holidays that these feelings overwhelm me.
Right now I am extremely over sensitive and touchy. I am trying to find and inner peace and some sense of balance but it is so much harder than it sounds. So, for me it means cleaning house and baking cookies and just living life.
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There really is nothing quite so poignant than holiday angst...sometimes it cuts to the quick. Maybe the discrepancy between a *perfect* what-should-be holiday and then what actually-is-in-my-life makes it tougher.
ReplyDeleteI have also cut off some members of my family and have received the same response that you have about it. It's sad and hurtful. :(
Wow--you said it. I don't have the abuse to your extent, but there is something about that mall shooting that really got me paranoid. I just want to stay home and close to my kids. Also, purchasing extra security devices helps :) That always makes me feel better!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah...could be the pregnancy hormones on top of it all? That doesn't help, I'm sure.
Your post held a lot of meaning for me as well. I used to get sick every Christmas, my body refusing to participate in what my mind was forcing mySelf to do. Once I distanced myself from my immediate family and started to make celebrating the holidays about our little family, I began to heal.
ReplyDeleteStill... This year is my parents 50th anniversary. December 28th. My parents weren't physically abusive, just strict, spankers, yellers, punishers. Bullies. I HAVE to participate in this anniverary thing. Am trying to stay centered with my gratitude blog. Remember everything good in my life reduces the stress of the other stuff.
My best to you at this time of year. :)
It was pointed out to me that there could be some confusion: the gun wielding teenagers in my past are from a separate incident than the daily abuse I suffered at the hands of a family member. Yup. Sweet joy of a childhood.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the kind words of support AND Wheelchairmama- you may be right on it- it may be pregnancy hormones. I don't remember having such a hard time last year or the year before.
I am sorry you are having such an angsty holiday.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to find the inner peace you are searching for. I don't have any words of wisdom--I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. :)