Things went from sad to worse when we got home. I got more of what happened from my daughter and so did Dearest Husband. We interpreted it so differently that we now understand that we are on two different pages in the grand scheme of parenting. That is not a good thing.
This got me thinking: Lying. What is it really and why do humans do it? Then is what Lil'Bug is doing lying? If so, to what end? So......people lie to avoid unwanted consequence, no? They don't trust the recipient of the lie enough to tell them the truth, for fear of punishment or unwanted reaction. Ok. Sometimes Lil'Bug flat out lies: did you hit the cat? did you take the candy? etc. We ask her these stupid questions when we know the answer already and instead of simply dealing with the now, we test her and she fails (gives the wrong answer). Hmmm. Sometimes though it is a matter of semantics: did you push the kid? No, I moved him. So, to her that is not lying. She is explaining to the best of her ability the nuances of her actions. In one case, she is avoiding (or amplifying) unwanted negative reaction and in the other trying her best to communicate.
So what happens if we punish her in either scenario? We lose her trust.
It comes down to the basic message in attachment parenting: babies communicate their needs- you just have to listen. Well, people communicate their needs too. Lying and manipulating are behavioral consequences of feeling out of control- when we as parents exert control over these small people are we merely leading them to attempt to regain it?
Maybe I am over thinking this. Maybe little kids lie. I don't know. Something feels off. She doesn't lie to me. I want to take this slowly since I think it may be a pivotal point in my parenting.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I don't think you're overthinking it. I think you're on the right track. I try not to set my kids up to lie to me. Like you mentioned, asking questions of them to which you know the answer - isn't honest anyway. Next time you might consider asking her, "Can you tell me what happened?" "Why is the little boy/girl upset?" Sometimes the discussion needs to happen later, out of the heat of the moment. I'm sorry your hubby isn't seeing things from the same perspective. Give it time and gentle explanations.
ReplyDeleteOoh! I feel some tea time talk coming on. I have been through this 3 times now and had to treat it differently with each child. We'll talk.
ReplyDeleteThe Golfer feels badly if he even THINKS about not being honest.
ReplyDeleteThe Naturalist is a natural born liar. My pivotal point in parenting her is realizing that in her mind, there is very little difference between what actually happened and what she wishes were to have happened. There is also very little difference between her imagination and her reality. What she imagines and wishes were true are just as powerful and 'real'. Maybe she's going to become a novelist...she can certainly write fiction from a 'it's real to me' standpoint.
I think this distinction is important with kids with high intellect ;) of which l'ilbug is, obviously!
Like Zamozo pointed out, I avoid putting The Naturalist in a corner. I stay away from 'Did you....' if I already know the answer.
It's tricky to explain 'semantics' to a toddler, so the process is a long one! In the mean time, I don't feel she will reach the level of psychotic liar in the meantime. She sounds to me like a very bright, creative and imaginative child. :)
good for you to think things out. I totally agree with zamozo.
ReplyDelete