Jam tarts and Pies.

Favourite recipes for use with amazing pie crust:

Jam tarts. I roll the dough into little balls, then roll them into little thin cookie circles. Place 1 spoon of your favourite jam in the center of each and top with another little thing cookie circle. Roll the edges up like pie crusts, glaze with cream and sprinkle with sugar.....and bake at 350 degrees on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or or until golden. There are variations. You can roll the dough out in a big sheet and make them like raviolis. Or you could roll out a cookie circle and fold it over like a moon. Make them tiny, make them bigger. It's all good. I like served warm with ice cream best.

I love these best with strawberry jam, next best with red raspberry. They taste like pop tarts only way better.

Apple Pie:

Cut, core, and peel 7 cups worth of firm apples. I like Wealthy apples the very best of all, but Macintosh work too.
1/2 cup brown cane sugar.
1 T of fresh lemon juice
1/2 t fresh ground cinnamon
1/4 t fresh ground nutmeg
2 T cold salted butter

Mix all but the butter together in a  big bowl. Once mixed dump in pie crust, sprinkle filling with butter pieces, and top with more pie crust. Trim edges and press together. Bake at 400 for 30 minutes, 375 until the crust has browned to golden. Let cool for 1 hour before serving.

Strawberry pie. That one I have to still work into a recipe. Basically my success has been heating up strawberry jam, adding fresh cut strawberries, pouring into a pre-baked pie crust and topping with a really thing layer of top crust, glazed and sugared. That doesn't sound recipe ish though. I will make it tomorrow and try and document it better.

Amazing Pie Crust

I know, my Dearest will say, "For Humble Pie?" Indeed. This crust changed things for me. Making this crust made my first successful apple pie. That gave me the confidence to keep going.

Use a food processor. Not kidding, this makes crust making easy as pie.

3 cups of all purpose unbleached flour. I use Bob's Red Mill or the local Paul's Grains High Gluten. Either one works well.

3 tablespoons of raw cane sugar. You can use brown pure cane sugar if you can't find "turbinado" or Sugar in the raw. Cane sugar is key.

3/4 cup SALTED sweet cream butter frozen and then cut into 1/4 inch pieces. I prefer to make my own butter BUT there is no noticible differnce between that and store bought in this recipe.

1/4 cup of frozen lard. Pig lard. I'm not kidding. Use local, pastured pig lard if you can. HUGE difference. (If any of you local ladies want to try it let me know and I'll share a bit.) Cut into pieces.

1/2 cup of very cold water.

Put the dry ingredients in the food processor and pulse to blend. Then add the butter and lard. Pulse until mixture is crumbly. Fluff the mixture if needed. Add the water slowly while pulsing and stop once the mixture starts clumping like course crumbs.

Take mixture out and knead with your hands on floured parchment paper. Form into two balls and squish into disks. Wrap in plastic or paper and stick in the fridge.

(Make your pie filling)

When you are ready to roll out the dough (I use a chilled marble rolling pin, but that's just me being fancy pants), do so carefully and intentionally. Line your pan with one and top the filling with the other.

But wait, there's more. You want flaky crisp top crust? Use WHOLE CREAM and brush on a glaze over the entire top. I cut my slits after the glaze. Then sprinkle generously with more raw sugar. That adds just the right amount of sparkle. I also take the edge trimmings and make them into pretty shapes to top the crust. That's just fun.

I'll post fillings in just a bit.

Our week has been very wet and muddy and magical.....

So our week has been rainy. Lots of flash flooding, power flickers, and constant downpours with a side of mud. Grey, gloomy, wet and mucky. The rain rain rain came down down down.

One of the sunny hours I rushed out to do bee chores and Lily grabbed the back up camera to take a couple pictures of mama in the spacesuit. 

You will see that I do not wear a full suit. I still wear gloves and the veil and the white shirt though. I found that my normal clothes are too predator like in colour. Also that the bees get stuck in my hair. My hand are too busy for their liking as well. This is the get up that prevents me from getting stung. I also usually wear boots, but I forgot and wore rubber clogs and was totally fine. Also, I work the back of teh hives because my belly bumps the front and that tends to get them buzzing more.

I also had to add a box. The cranky hive (the ladies that gave me 10 stings) was finally full and needed more room.  The boxes are beautiful. I am so glad I am apprenticing with Sean at Blue Gate Farm. He really puts a lot of care into the construction of the hives and doesn't mind that I get chatty and ask a lot of questions.

Lily took this picture. She says its proof the grove is enchanted and full of faeries.  My Aunt Deedle will apreciate this, she's a big believer in cameras capturing the supernatural. I think it's poor lighting and a 1.2 MP with a dirty lens. Still, it does look magical in real life too. Minus the ghost bubbles. (Also, see the mud in the foreground? The whole farm is a marsh.)

Pregnancy Update: New Doc, Happy Mama

I met with the new doc for an official prenatal yesterday. There were some complications with the timing of the actual appointment, something happened at the hospital and then the doctor had a death in his extended family. That left me waiting for about an hour before actually seeing him. In that hour I read half a sci-fi novel (and it really was not very good) and then opened up the folder they gave me as a new patient.

Wow. The packet outlined every single visit and what to expect. The cost of each test or exam. What tests were standard and included and what test might come up. It took about 4 pages for that. Then they spent a small section on possible emergency situations and what to expect, including that their C-Section rate, including elective repeat C/S is only 15-20%! That is really amazing. The first group I was with was 35-40%, but to be fair they do take on more high risk patients in general.

Prenatal vitamins are provided as part of the package, but the doc said with my awesome diet I don't need them. I take the ones I already have anyway though. It can't hurt and sometimes I feel like I'm not eating enough veggies.

So the visit itself....the doc sat down and went over all of my pregancy records, from the infertility pre-Lil'Bug through this pregnancy. Asked about every screening, every test, every complication listed. Went over family health history in detail. I mean, he actually read my file. I'm not sure my other docs ever did that and they are the ones who cut me open.

This was the first time I have ever felt at ease with a doctor, let alone a male doctor. I have issues, I know and I work on those issues, but this time I actually felt like the doctor cared. 

He did the belly check and was concerned about the measurement as it put me father along then the charts indicated, but he pointed out that I am short waist-ed and that would account for that. Just to make sure, he asked to do an ultrasound. Yes, he asked. Since I had canceled the genetic screening ultrasound in DM that would check for the spinal deformities that run in my family, I agreed. He checked for the spine and heart health first. Yes, he did the ultrasound himself, not a tech called in. All is well with baby and he even pointed out that the baby looked smiling. That's the note he put on the picture print too, SMILING BABY. So sweet.  The dating is still questionable though, but he said we'll stick with the first ultrasound's date since it is later, December 1st. Another point for the doc, in my book.

He's still ok with us attempting vbac2. He said he would go over my surgical records and make sure nothing was noted that would indicate that I couldn't. He's very thorough. I like that. All in all my actual appointment time with him was an hour and a half. Pretty impressive.

Everything is just right. Even the nurses are kind. :)  Funny thing is that I keep losing track of how many weeks I am, just the due date sticks. So for the record, right now I am 15.5 weeks.

Chores, a Thinking Response....

I was discussing a few days ago what chores my kids do, what ages are appropriate for what chores.

What immediately came to mind was our Amish neighbor who's 6 year old son (and his 2 other son's and a couple nephews) helped him build a roof on a two story house. Each helped according to their skill and ability. Sometimes, even most of the time, the youngest just sat and watched, fetched tools, and the like- BUT there was a hard to get to joist inside the porch roof being rebuilt and he's the one who crawled in with the drill and got that end. Too young? I don't think so. I mean, the Amish obviously are doing something right considering.

After being blessed to witness that and that same week hearing a lovely piece of wisdom from a local homeschooler (never turn down kid help, and don't question its value or redo it if you can help it or it won't happen again)...I decided to adopt a middle ground. Our farm needs to function with a degree of safety and I can't do everything.

I think kids today are underestimated. Not given enough responsibility and that does them a disservice. So my girls do chores WITH me. All of them to varying degrees, to each their own ability. I'm not building houses here, but I do think it is important that they learn the cost of things, how to budget for food and needs, how to purchase things, how to clean and keep organized, nutrition, food preparation, laundry and dishes, and basic household management things. I have had to learn as I go as an adult and that has done a disservice to my family. The one thing I did know was how to balance a checkbook (thanks Dad!) but that doesn't always make the money fairy show up at our door. Ha! Seriously though. These skills are extremely important and they are an apprentice trade by nature.

Why relegate your kids to just trash take out or some other small insignificant chore? Why not have them help you with it all and make it an important part of your life? I think that part of the problem lies in how we view these tasks, as degrading. They are not. They are the ying to the yang of the breadwinner or the ying to the yang of the farmer and labourer. One needs the other and both thrive when seen as equally important to the growing family. Sounds a little old fashioned  I suppose.

Honestly I need to set a better example even still for my children. I am improving, at a steady pace. I decided not to beat myself up and just keep working on it. In the next couple months I plan to revamp our clothing and laundry system because I have serious issues there. For now, clean clothes in baskets will have to do. Mt. Washmore is not yet ready to be conquered, for now......

Back to the issue at hand. There are some chores Lily does completely on her own. I read somewhere recently (I can't find it!) that kids need chore guidance in this order:
1)watching
2)helping with full assistance
3)helping with little assistance
4)doing with supervision
5)doing with no supervision and a check later
6)doing with full trust and responsibility

A lot of chore discussion just skips from #1 and assigns tasks at the #5-6 level. That is a bit unfair to the kid. What if you were training for a job and that was done to you? You'd probably adapt, but it would be frustrating and a negative experience most likely.

So what does my 5 year old do with full responsibility? Nothing. Not yet. Right now there is always a double check later even if she doesn't realize it because her chores involve livestock and that is ultimately our responsibility. But at the #5 level, she lets the chickens out, takes them scraps, collects and washes eggs, feeds them their grain, and fluffs their nests. She does all of that without being asked, every morning. She feeds and waters the cat. She's in charge of making sure the bathrooms have toilet paper and on dump run day she collects bath and laundry room trash bags. She collects cans out of Dearest's office. At the lesser levels, she does almost EVERYTHING I do. Yes, everything to a degree. I say almost because the pigs are big enough now that she is not allowed in the pen, but her part of that chore is to watch her sister for 15 minutes. She does a great job too. She helps wash the whey buckets, load and unload them. She does a lot of things, too many to list. And she still PLAYS most of the day. Sometimes I'll go check on her and find her taking care of a task unasked, just because she saw that it needs to be done.

She surprises me sometimes with what she is ready for, what she is willing to help with. And I know her limits better now than I did when we lived in the city. We also don't do allowances. She does earn money, but she saves most of it for her future horse. She earns that by collecting metal and glass from the drive and the field that the horse will be kept, 5 cents a piece. That serves a double purpose, since those items would hurt the horse (and the tractor/car tires). Sometimes she gets mad and breaks things, money for repair comes out of the horse $ jar. Sometimes she asks for extra chores and then buys something little for her sister or one of her friends. But the $$ are not related to the "chores" that are key to keeping our home healthy and happy.

That's my take on it. Perhaps it is a little radical considering what everyone is used to, but it works for us most of the time! :)

Some big news, and some little news

Yesterday while burning a pile of wood I found a snake - I was able to grab it and MamaP and the girls pulled in to the driveway while I was looking for a place to keep it until they arrived.


The big news (for me anyway) is that it was a new species for me - a Brown Snake. I had assumed the snake was a baby but it was probably at least close to being an adult. It was extremely docile, so I let Lily bring it back to field to set it free. Even Holly got to hold it, but we didn't get a pic of that since I was helping her.


In other, much smaller news, I managed to fix the hot water heater. The board that had to be replaced is below. The heater is a tankless heater from a brand called Paloma, that was bought out by a company called Rheem. Overall the customer service on the phone was really good - inefficient (I was transfered about 4 times) but very helpful. I told them my error code, and about 20 seconds later he was getting my address to ship the part to me. When I ran into a problem with the installation related to some poor documentation, they were open on Saturday and explained the procedure to program the board very clearly - they were obviously familiar with the product and not reading from a script.



The offending board is here - the round things on the left side are capacitors, and the ones that look like they have a rounded top do, and aren't supposed to. They failed for some reason which is why we were receiving the error. The capacitors on the new board were a little different - I suspect they were replaced for that reason.

Deserting the dessert menu....

List of to do's today that are mostly done:
Dump run, hive check, and gas tank fill.

Now we still have:
Back at home.....plant a few more rows and work on flower beds. I am starting to wish we had our own chipper so I can make non firewood worthy storm fall branches into landscaping mulch. As it is I think I will just rake up grass clippings. I have zinnia's to plant! WOO!

I think an all day outside is just what we need.

So that's what is on the menu. I got to thinking about something this week. Lots of people have been posting pictures of desserts or listing out meals with desserts. Now, I love me some sugar, but the problem with desserts is that I eat them. I eat all of them. No, I eat all of all of them. No one else here really cares for sweets except Blueberry and she will forgo dinner if she knows there will be dessert.  I eat less of the good stuff too. Gobble gobble like cookie monster. Ice cream would last longer melting on the counter than in my presence. I love me some sugar.

Solution: I don't plan for desserts. I don't make them. We might have a before bed snack but it is cheese or meat or fruit. Hardly dessert menu worthy. So when we have a special occasion, the dessert really is special. Cake is not a common occurrence here. I've only ever made brownies once in my entire life and have not made them again because I would EAT them all nom nom nom nom.

I wonder when dessert became such a huge part of American daily life. You know?

Just my thoughts for the day.....

Doctor and Birth Center

Resigned to a C-Section and really stressed out and tired of the treatment that I have received from my current provider (I love the midwife at the practice, but not some of the staff nor the labs they contract), I decided to search out other options. I mean, a 5th blood test scheduled, each test negating the worrisome result of the preceding but finding something possibly new and then I find out that non standard and inappropriate tests were run without my knowledge or consent. That kinda pissed me off. I only found out about it because they billed the wrong insurance company who denied the claim and sent me the denial form, with each test detailed out. Wrong. Neither insurance company, the labs, nor the doctor would tell me what the labs were for. There were 17. I finally pushed enough for someone to tell me and that was still just a guess. Grrrrrrr.

So I sat down and made a list of things I wanted this time around with my limited options.
1) I actually would like a vaginal birth. It is called a VBAC2. It is possible. The risk of uterine rupture is 1.36%, with a VBAC1 it is 1%. If the doctors tell me it is not possible, I am coming to terms with that. I feel healthier and stronger now than ever before in my entire life. If ever, the time would be now.
2) I would at the very least like a C/S at 40 weeks, not 38. Or better yet, a labour indicated C/S. That would mean I know for sure that the baby's lungs are ready, even if I can't deliver baby through the proper channels.
3) I want my Doula in the OR with me. Chad for the baby, CB with me. I get terrified and I need someone to hold my hand. I would never in a million years take Chad away from the baby, but I still need someone with me. CB was with me through the other two C/S.
4) For prenatal care, I need someone who understands my reluctance to be touched too much. I need a doctor I can trust not to treat me like cattle or another folder that they have maybe read.

So, I could go back to the group that delivered both my girls. I was ok with them, but something in my heart was reluctant. It is why I searched out the midwife I was with at the start of this pregnancy. They are excellent surgeons. They were even supportive of my VBAC attempt with Blueberry, but the support staff assigned to me in labour sucked. I didn't like her at all, but when I get admitted I get submissive. This time I needed more assurance.

It started with a phone call to the local health center. There are billboards all over town with advertisements for the new birth center wing. I asked few questions of the nurse, she asked questions to me as well and she scheduled a tour.

Wow. The place is nice. There is a courtyard for labouring women to walk around in. The labour suits each have a door to it. The nurse couldn't quite answer my questions, saying the doctor would have to answer them. The place is very family friendly, but also very small. It was not at all like the giant factory 30+ babies that the big hospitals have. They had one woman in labour. They were getting the nursery ready for her new baby. The nurses all smiled at us. One even started a conversation with Lil'Bug. Lovely! One nurse said her first baby was born while she was strapped to a bed with Pit plugged in and it was horrific, 30 years ago. She said no woman would ever suffer like that under her care.

Then we got to interview the doctor! He spent about 20 minutes with us, answering my questions and concerns, asking some of his own. He is very VBAC supportive. He asked what led to the C/S's before, and stated he would review my file if a VBAC2 is what I wanted. He said he'd done a successful VBAC3! He explained risk, which I knew. He said the only barrier is really the small facility, could only accommodate a VBAC during the week, day hours.

He said he never does planned C/S before 39 weeks. It's not good for the baby. He said I could have as many support people as I liked in the OR as long as there was not a need for them to leave.

He said pregnancy is not a disease! YAY! He also said that confidentiality is very important to them and what happened with my 1st blood test in Des Moines would not have happened under his care and lab. Yes. That. It is not the law, as I was told by the labs in DM and the doc there.

You know, the attitude of the facility is what really sold me. Respect for the women and their babies is really important. I have not made the decision to VBAC2, but it feels empowering to have options again. I canceled the 2nd ultrasound and 5th blood draw that the other doc scheduled. I'll get them done if this doctor says they are necessary.  Until then, I am feeling so much better. I actually feel like he will read my files and history before making decisions. It was a pretty easy decision for me once I got home and reviewed everything with Dearest.

Oh, and while we were there I got Dearest to get treatment and Tetanus shot for the nail hole in his foot. Yay!

So a frustrating start has a new beginning. The farther away from the big city I get, the happier I am. I just never thought that would apply to health care.

Chicken-Zilla

I watched this chicken eat no less than 7, possibly 8, mice while cleaning out the chicken house ( I mean while I was cleaning out the chicken house, she's not THAT awesome). This is also the chicken that lays the giant double yoked eggs some of you may have seen in the eggs you bought from MamaP. I've identified the breed (I think) as Dark Cornish.

My current plan is to transition our flock of layers into a mix of those and barred rocks. I need our chickens to be predictable, hardy, and nice with kids and these seem to fit the bill.

I'm raising 30 barred rocks as meat birds this year to see how it goes. I had decided to standardize on these two breeds before I realized that they are the breeds the mega-chickens are created from, which is some kind of interesting coincidence. I don't have anything specific against the crosses, though a lot of people seem to - but based on my reading they are just too fragile for me. Our chickens get a scoop or two of food a day between the 19 we have currently and are allowed to free range for the rest of the day. I like this laid back approach - I have a friend who let her crosses go a few weeks longer than expected and her chickens could hardly walk. No doubt proper feed management could be playing a role there, but I'd rather not worry so much about it. I'm willing to give up some efficiency to get a little extra hardiness out of the chickens we do raise.

Farm Working Weekend

Dearest stepped on a nail. Luckily the bone stopped it. Right. He kept working outside until the pain was unbearable and THEN came in, ate dinner, and went back out. Sigh. Now he is upstairs after I cleaned the wound and he has ice on it.

Tomorrow we are going to the local birth center to interview and tour the facility. Hopefully, since we will already be there, I can convince him to at least get a Tetanus shot. It is one of the few shots we vax the girls with, because of this exact risk out here. There are nails, old tin, rusty barbed wire. I am quite certain that even I have had the T shot updated since we moved here. Poor Dearest. Not much to do for him tonight but bring him Coke on ice and ice in bags and pillows and hugs.

This weekend we also got the chicken house cleaned out and more of the garden fence up and the pond picnic area and house yard mowed. By we, I mean Dearest. I stayed inside and worked on my class set up and cleaned and did laundry. It also seemed like I gave the girls at least 6 baths each in the last 24 hours and they NEEDED each and every one. It is mud season in southern Iowa!

Monday we will tour the birth center and then come home, eat lunch, and sort toys. We are keeping only sentimental, well constructed, and age appropriate toys and only 2 bins worth at that. We have 8 bins of mostly happy meal type toys that have been in storage and not even missed for a year. We will do it together though. I don't intend on tossing/donating my daughters' things without their consent and cooperation. It will be tougher than if I just did it behind their backs, but that's like stealing in my book. These are their belongings and it will be a good exercise in charity. I hope. It is a good rainy day project and we'll haul the stuff to DM on Thursday to donate to a charity garage/yard sale. I have more clothes to bring too.

Summer classes start Monday. I hope the class load is not too much. We'll see.

That's the update. I'm trying hard to get back into blogging and not on facebook. So I am doing my facebook updates by twitter and blogger and not getting sucked in to the reality there. Social media is good for the farm, but not good for my family relationships. I have changed a lot of settings there too. I'm still hooked in, just not as present. We'll see how long it lasts or if it helps ease the drama. At least I am trying. :) My effort will be on being present for my family and friends and working on our farm. And yes, that should have always been my focus, sadly I became too distracted.

Raincloud on a Sunshine Day!

 I realized yesterday when confronted with a variation of an old cliche that my attitude is what my problem is lately.

It is all about point of view, perspective.... For example, my family and I can be described as such:

Pig farmers in podunk Iowa.....
or
Natural food pioneers who are raising heritage breed pork, apples, and heirloom vegetables.

Homeschoolers......you know the kind that that morning tv show really slammed.
or
Interest led learners who pursue education in a nontraditional, yet legal, method.

Me:
Teacher
or
Adjunct Professor at a local community college

Me:
Stay at home mom/housewife
or
Mother, household and farm manager, nutritionist (who happens to like bon bons.....perhaps to a fault)

Lil'Bug:
A sassy, ill tempered child who gets really bossy with other kids.
or
A spirited child with lots ideas to communicate, her own opinion, a HUGE imagination, and who is a natural leader.

I could keep going but retyping some of the negative things that have been said about us lately is kind of draining.

We lead the lives we choose to live, make happiness where we are or choose to throw it off. It doesn't matter that I don't teach in the field of my Master's degree (historic preservation), nor that I didn't end up a field rep in Chicago, nor that I left my career behind to raise my beautiful children. I chose every one of those options.

I chose to battle infertility, examine the food we eat and pursue better options. I chose to look for a farm. I chose this life. Nothing about this makes me unhappy. Yet, I find myself really being negative with my sister and others lately. I could chuck it up to my frustration with the blood tests for the pregnancy... we are on #5 now, each one negating the results of the previous and finding something different. But seriously, it is all me. My attitude. My spin on things. I was in fact this cranky at 11 weeks during my last pregnancy too....at least according to the blog archives. :)

So once again, I am trying to take these lemons and put a different spin on them, be grateful for what life has handed me and stop being so sour, so to say. I will be fighting the harsh words and spins on our reality as long as we continue to choose such an unconventional life...... I might as well make lemonade, kick back in the rocking chair, and breathe in the fresh country air. Keep living this amazing life and keep inviting people to share in our adventure.

Happy Happy ME!

That is what Blueberry gleefully exclaimed all day yesterday! It was great. We actually had a pretty good, though cold day. I got all the dishes done, made lunch, dinner, and 8 meat pies for Dearest to take to work, cost $8 to make, saved $56 in eating out for Dearest. Sweet.

Up today, wash beddings and clean fridge our really well. I need to purge the freezer and pantry of expired things as well. Clean bird cages and do chores in the cold rain. Next week= sunshine, right?

Lil'Bug hauled firewood, stating that it was an important farm chore. Which prompted a family discussion about what is important to the farm as far as chores go, and laundry and picking up after yourself, toys and clothes, are just as important chores as firewood or mowing. We all do our part. To which she ROLLED HER EYES. Oh no.

Today I am thinking about raspberries. We have some planted, but I really want a PATCH not a row. I think I will need an acre or so for my cultivated berries. Gooseberries, currant, blackberries, raspberries, and strawberries. I have lots of wild, but those fruits are small and hard to get to. We also have elderberries, lots of them. I am thinking I might bring those to "market" if anyone is interested. Thoughts?

The birds and bees and sweet smiling girls.....but no pictures.

Farm life is so incredibly busy in the Spring! Mother's Day we transplanted my excellent red raspberries from our Des Moines house (which is still for sale.....). I think we should transplant a few more, but we'll see. I started with 12 plants exactly six years ago and planted them at the Des Moines house while I was 4 months pregnant with Lil'Bug. This time Dearest planted them for me, but I was really feeling sick and not really "digging" being outside at all. Lil'Bug planted her 4-H sunflower and some petunias. She's got quite the flower garden going at one end of the garden. It is really quite lovely.

The girls played with their Christmas wagon outside for the first time. It had been the train to Hogwarts in the living room since Santa dropped it off for Aunt Deedle.

Blueberry and I planted herbs too, until she got stung by something. Her whole leg swelled up for a bit, but after a bit of ice and benedryl, I think it was actually an ant bite or something along those lines and not a sting. Poor kid did not take it well, the bite or the medicine. She fussed the rest of the day and cried herself to sleep in my arms around dinner time.

Dearest and I checked the weak hive together. They have not eaten any of the sugar water since Friday nor built out any more frames. Very lethargic ladies who were barely bothered at all when I opened them up and examined the frames. I am worried that something may have happened to their queen, but as long as there is activity of some sort my job is just to watch. I will call the head beekeeper at Blue Gate later this week and report on the findings.

The pigs are loving the pasture. LOVING. Feeding them there instead of the holding pen is quite a bit more work in some regards, but they are even more gentle and happy and so it is not quite the same close muddy quarters as it was before, even when it is pouring buckets like today.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day. * warning, not a happy post.

Mother's Day means cards and flowers and gifts with pretty bows for most people. But there are others who do not share the joy of this day. Children who's mothers beat and abused them through their precious and formative years, for who the whole idea of mother is wrapped up in grief and anger and fear.

There are women for who infertility is just becoming apparent, and with every monthly check of the pregnancy test they suffer, Mother's Day is just another marker on the yearning. (I was there 8 years ago....)

There are families who have lost all their children, for who mother's day reminds them of their loss.

There are mother's who's children have walked out and are somewhere out there, suffering in drugs or mental illness.

And there are others.

I fall into the first category, and for me Mother's Day, no matter how many smiles and hugs my kids lavish on me, is still filled with anger and memories of fear. It is easy to say move on, not as easy to do. The materialism and vanity of the holiday was the cornerstone of the abuse for me as a child, as it was the basis of it everyday, but Mother's Day, Christmas, and birthdays were an amplified terror. Even as an adult, I have trouble with family members believing me. No one would have thought (insert super villain or abusive schmuck of your choice here) was a bad guy until he/she confessed, most abusers have a similar cover story and identity. Some go as far as appearing on Oprah to advocate for gentle parenting (and upon returning home beat their daughter with a vanity mirror until it shatters on her skin and embeds glass shards deep in scar tissue). Crazy is as crazy does.

This Mother's Day is no different for me. I want it to be. I look at my hands and see that they are not hers, nor is my heart. I don't have to try to not turn into her, because I am not her.

I have reclaimed Christmas for my girls, learned to replace the hurt and fear of that holiday with the JOY of Christ's birth. Mother's Day is not about Jesus though, it is about cards and presents. My idea of reclaiming this holiday is to just harvest hugs, be loving, and cherish my children EVERY day. Today I celebrate all the women who stepped in to role model what a caring adult should act like, how a human being should care for others, and told me I was loved. Aunts, cousins, teachers, neighbors, professors, friends.....have all replaced and filled in the blank that was once filled with regret, longing, terror, and anger.

I am not my mother. This is not my Mother's Day.

Grampa Visits and We Move the Pigs!

This is the new fenced in pasture for the Berkshires. It has afternoon shade we didn't count on and lots of clover for them to play in. Soon the warm weather grasses will take off and they'll have even more to explore. This move means a lot farther for me to travel in the morning to do pig chores, but the pigs are, as Blueberry exclaimed, "HAPPY PIGGIES!"

Butterfly School

Last week Lil'Bug found a butterfly just emerging from a cocoon. She just thought it was stuck on a log so she watched it crawl out and then scooped it up. I explained to her why it wouldn't fly just yet and she sat for 20 minutes with it gently in her hands until its wings dried out. Then she watched it flit away. Bye bye flutter by.......

Lucky Day, and some other stuff.

For someone anyway. As I was finishing up chores outside the dogs started barking in the 'I'm seriously barking at something for real this time' way. I let them run for it and followed them down to the pond. We were almost there when I heard someone crying (we sped up). The dogs waited for me to tell them to go into the street, and they ranged out in front of me about 20 feet barking and growling. There was a guy with two young girls walking out of the washed out grade B road.

I talked to him for a moment and assessed that this was not what I had at first feared thankfully, and called the dogs off. They're normally not that responsive, but apparently they know when they need to listen, vs. when I want them to listen. Too smart for their own good.

So after asking the girls if everything was ok and seeing that they were fine with this guy (their dad it turns out) I got the story from the dad - the girls had asked him to take the truck out on some mud, so he'd found the grade B road and headed down. At night. In the rain. He's lucky he walked away at all instead of ending up headlong into a tree along the way - as muddy as it is that road is dangerous in the daytime. I don't expect he'll be able to get his truck out for a few days yet - I've seen 4WD tractors and trucks stuck in better weather than this, and the fields will be draining onto the road for another few days at least.

I took them home - that poor guy is going to have to tell a really, really embarrassing story to a lot of people, but he earned it - what the heck was he thinking? Lucky for him the dogs heard him or he'd have been walking a lot longer.

Earlier today I picked up a new storage bin to set out by the pigs so MamaP doesn't have to move the buckets around as much anymore for the morning pig chores, along with a bunch of new fence posts and fencing to put up around the garden to keep the dogs out.

Also earlier this week I finally killed Chicken Nugget the rooster who had been attacking MamaP and the kids. I realize it had to be done, but I felt bad about it - from his perspective he was just protecting his flock and his only real crime was doing his job too well. So it goes. Chicken Nugget Jr. will be top of the flock until the broilers come in June, then I'll be replacing him with two barred rocks which are supposed to be calmer than the Americaunas.

I need a different view....

Everytime I open up the blog and see my horrible Monday replayed, I get stressed out again. Since I am trying to place a Spring header that has been repeated way too much.

So farm update:

• I started beekeeping apprenticeship a few weeks back with a neighbor farm. I've been preparing for beekeeping for the past couple years. It was actually the first time I mindfully reflected on how I learn best- reading fiction. So I read every fiction book I cold find that centered around beekeeping. I started reading a non fiction guide as well, but found that all the other fiction books had addressed most of the content and it would best be used as a reference guide later. Then I had to choose, take a class or search out a mentor or just buy the stuff and the bees and learn as I go. There are lots of things that I do best with the last. I am a hands on learner but also a feet in learner. It is not enough to just have my hands on, I also have to be there and I have to be able to ask questions. Confidence is important as well. So I chose the middle option which hopeful would allow all the criteria to be met. It has. Very much so. I thought I would be afraid, that it would take more of my effort to not be fearful. Bees are so fascinating and beautiful that I have gotten completely distracted in their details. Last week I helped install 14 hives, completing the process almost solo on 6 of them. I never would have pictured myself setting a queen and then shaking her box of stressed out bees so they would angrily fall into their new hive home. I was in full bees suit but I did get a small sting on my leg because I sat on one. At one point in a previous session I also had one fly up my shirt, but I didn't freak out or get stung. It is a real exercise in being present and mindful. Daydreaming is a task hazard.
• The pigs are growing and eating and growing and eating. I was pretty happy that Food Inc aired on the local public radio station, as it prompted some of our customers to get all warm and fuzzy about our bacon. Their new pasture is being fenced right now, today. They will love it back there and the walk will be good for me.
• The girls are loving the warm weather.
• The mean rooster is about to become gumbo. He attacked Dearest. 
• 4 weeks until strawberries!!!!! The bed is weeded but still needs to be thinned. 

And that's about all I can think of right now!

My Horrible Monday

I am going to share with with you a little nightmare that we experienced Monday ALL DAY LONG. It involves the current level of government involvement/ineptitude in health care, a freaked out pregnant woman, a supportive husband, and a somewhat confused Dr. Office's staff. I will also state for a necessary spoiler, I was the victim of lab results being read incorrectly. A screening test that was mishandled. The end of the story is happy-ish.

My Monday started off on Friday, little did I know. Friday around 5:15 PM I missed a call. Left on my voicemail was a chipper message for me to please call the Polk County Health Department. Curious, I did, but it was after hours so I left a message.

Monday the chipper woman calls me again, stating she is returning my call. Well, I was returning hers actually. She started questioning me about a blood draw I had done April 8th at Mercy. I didn't. I had it done that day at my Dr.'s office. I was totally confused. I asked her why she was asking me all these questions since I live in a different county. She ignored me and went over where I had tests done, asked me where, asked me if I intended to continue treatment in Polk County. I responded that pregnancy is not a disease and treatment is not what I call prenatal visits. There was silence. Then she said, "You have Syphilis." Um. NO I DON"T. I said it must be a false test result and then I questioned her as to why she had my confidential and private medical results and why my doctor or midwife wasn't the one informing me. She told me I was a public health risk and I needed to go through them for any further tests. I said that I would go to my midwife since this was an obvious mistake or lab error. She told me to deal with reality. I told her the reality was that I had been in a 15 year long monogamous relationship and only sexually active the last 11 years (how long we've been married) and there was no way for me to have any sort of STD. She berated my husband and questioned mine or his fidelity. I was floored. She then instructed me to listen to her and deal with the facts. I hung up.

Sobbing I called my husband. Sobbing is an understatement. I was crying so hard he could barely understand me and I was shaking and seeing little sparklies whenever I opened my eyes. I tried to focus, center myself, stop crying. He left work and drove the hour home right away.

I prayed. What my little talk with God assured me of was that I did not, do not have Syphilis. I don't. I never have.

I got myself calm and I called my midwife who was not available but her nurse said they had the results, they were still deciding how to tell me since it was so out of place. I asked questions she said she'd call me back after she talked with the doctor and found some answers for me. 3 hours later I called her back. I demanded a new round of labs. I informed her of my research that morning that false positives were common in women and even more common in pregnant women and based on that a positive result should be confirmed before scaring the daylights out of a pregnant woman. She then told me, when I insisted again that it was a false positive or a lab mix up, that all of that was in my head and I needed to deal with the data and the reality of this lab result. She said the County CASEWORKER hadn't called her back to instruct her how to handle further testing. !!!! A caseworker, a government employee, had my private medical files and wouldn't give them to my doctor, just yet.

Blood pressure spikes, crying resumes, pretty little sparklies. Sobbing. Calming myself with prayer once again, God reassured me that I DO NOT HAVE SYPHILIS, that I trust my husband with all that I am, and neither one of us has ever put us at risk for anything even remotely related. I've been tested with both other pregnancies, by the Navy, by Planned Parenthood and he's been tested with every blood donation. Calm for the storm. My foundation is secure. Prayer lifted me out of the blood pressure spike.

Chad called the doctor 5 minutes later. The doctor said lots of things about state law, government policy, and the disease and dormancy and contraction and that the office did not actually have the results, had not seen them at all, since they went to the County or State instead of back to them based on the result. !!!!

20 minutes later the midwife called me and apologized. She finally had the lab results in hand and looking at them could confirmed that I DO NOT HAVE SYPHILIS. Just as I was telling everyone all freaking day long. Based on the lab results that were done, the original results that the same medically untrained government caseworker had looked at, my doctor and midwife determined that I DO NOT HAVE SYPHILIS.

"I know that. That's what I've been telling everyone all day long." I said.

So that's the good news.

BUT...the midwife said the biological marker that confused the untrained caseworker and/or the lab tech was indicative of an autoimmune disease and in fact a serious thing and that I needed to come in for more blood work to rule out or identify the cause. Could be any number of serious things including Type 1 Diabetes, thyroid disfuction, Lupus, or NOTHING at all.

She stayed late at the office (with a different nurse) so I could drive in and give the blood for the next round of testing right away. That at least allowed me to sleep Monday night. She hugged me. She said she gave the Department of Public Health a good talking to. She explained to me again what these additional tests were looking for, how the markers were read, and what would happen next in my care plan if any of them, or depending on which one, come back positive. I would be transferred to the care of specialists. No need to speculate about the health of the baby until we know exactly what is going on.

So I am left waiting for the next round of results.

And trying to figure out how to get the county to remove my name in their register of STD's since it was a test result interpreted by an someone who didn't know what they were looking at.

So my blood pressure is not good but better now that I am not freaked out crying. Chad has been wonderful.

And I am left with the question...why exactly is a medically untrained government employee being handed my confidential medical records? And then why was she then given the power to withhold them from my own chosen medical provider, for any length of time?

Why was I put through this nightmare? For a moment, remember that this same system, possibly the same medically untrained caseworker is also notifying people who are really infected, possibly rape victims, as well as others with false results. Her tact and people skills were zero. She caused real physical harm to me and possibly my unborn baby. Stress like that is not good. Blood pressure spikes like that can be deadly.

So, I am healthy and the baby is fine, but I am still a little scared and angry. You know?

Snake Days

I just figured out how to get my Dearest to willingly pose for pictures. Ha! 

And this little guy I almost shredded. We have not identified him or her yet, but the picture does no justice to the red markings on the side.

Piglet Arrival Part Two

This was mid-afternoon. The pigs found a nice shady place and were resting.

Black Berkshire pigs are definitely different to the bright pink Yorks we had last year. They have a different personality too. Lively, yet calm and curious. Last year's piglets were frantic in comparison. It should take a little bit for them to settle in and get used to the diet we offer them. They were weaned and then fed just a corn/soy mix. We supplement with goat cheese whey right now. They were curious but cautious.

This is the temporary pen they will occupy until the fence is completed in a couple weeks. Then they will live here:

We will have a total of twenty pigs out on a 1 acre plot of pasture, then rotate the next year to another plot and so on.

Mostly, I want the pigs for the orchard, to help clean up windfall and keep down insect pests. The chickens will help with that too. Oh, and bacon. :)

Berkshire Piglets 1-10 Arrive!

Family Farm School

When people ask my almost 6 year old daughter where she goes to school, she replies, "I'm farm schooled." We have always homeschooled her and she has always been pleased with this, but moving to the farm was really influenced by her development.

When she was three a neighbor gave her a wire pig lawn ornament. From that point on, rain or shine, she checked on, fed, and played with her Wilbur every single day. She was the first one of us to really start verbalizing the dream....no longer our practical, "if we ever get a farm" but, "WHEN we get our farm!"

Now that we are here and a mere eighteen months into this dream, she works and learns right along with us. She wants a horse so we have explained to her the steps she needs to take to acquire and care for a horse. Now, along with taking care of the wire Wilbur, she collects scrap bits of metal and nails from around the farm, washes and loads empty buckets for whey collection from the neighboring goat milk microdairy (for our pigs), mixes pig porridge (grain and water), feeds chickens, collects and washes eggs, and cares for the cats. She does this all to prepare for the eventuality of horse ownership. In the next year she'll join Clover Sprouts, take horse care lessons, and possibly help with a bottle calf or lamb.

She also works in the garden using real tools, pulling weeds, planting seeds, harvesting, and canning. She's only five, but she's a good helper and we work well together. I treat her with respect, her ideas are as valid and informed as mine in some cases. We are learning this life together. Not to say that she doesn't (or I don't) have bad days where all she wants to do is scream at her sister, but in general the chores calm her and give her something to do with her hands. I totally relate.

Then of course our almost two year old daughter (the aforementioned sister) wants to help too. She also helps wash eggs and buckets.

We have been criticized for having the girls, at such a young age, be so hands on and present at the work we do. There are dangerous moments, for those I make the girls wait in the truck or in the tractor cart. Those are the moments that I wonder about my own capability to handle the situation (like a great pig escape....the one time that the pigs escaped out the gate with me in charge, it was Lily's idea to just fill their food buckets and pour the whey out into the basin. They did quickly come back!) My point is, I'm not irresponsible, but I do want to let them help when they offer it to the best of their ability. Sometimes even beyond what they thought their own ability was. Sometimes I do things I never thought I was capable of; for a child those moments are HUGE and with the right guidance and support....often. This is our family farm we are starting up from scratch and each family member has a place in it.

One of the things my husband and I discussed when we began our family was who we wanted to be like. Not just as parents, but as people. It always seemed to come back to people who were raised on a farm. Those people knew things we wanted to learn, had a way with people, and in general knew a lot about a lot of different things. Skills. Building, fixing, gardening, livestock, engines, religion, hunting, harvesting, cooking, beekeeping, glasswork, carpentry, animal husbandry....the list goes on. We wanted that for ourselves and then for our children. My happiest moments, the only moments in my childhood that were peaceful, were at my aunt's farm in rural Eastern Colorado. Until now, that kind of peaceful mindfulness had eluded me. Now I feel it every night as I tuck my daughters in to bed. It's hard work, but farm school is really the place for us to be right now.

New additions to the farm fun!

Adding to the farm fun......we love babies. We love being parents. We were not planning on adding to the family so soon, but we welcome surprises as they come! Yes, that's right. Baby # 3 will be joining us for the last part of harvest season. :)

So that said, here are some gratuitous cute kid pictures from Easter! (And yes, that is the mysterious and hardly ever seen....Uncle J!)

Farm Auction Fun

Saturday we went to our first farm auction. Besides coming home with two totally burned out kidlets, a bad facial windburn, and a new very used horse trailer to haul piglets in....we also learned a LOT.

One of the things that is more and more apparent, as we progress building the farm and orchard to what we want it to be, is how little we know about general knowledge that most rural folks just grow up with. For example, what things are called and what they do. There are so many different types of feeders, tractors, attachments, do dads, and equipment. We don't have a relative on a neighboring farm to borrow pasture or a tractor or know how. We really are starting from scratch. Thank goodness for the Internet!

All in all it was a good day. We arrived early because the trailer was supposed to be in the first few groups, but as they finished one group and moved to the next and the next we began to realize that there wasn't much logic to the progression and eventually they got the one item we came for.....of course it was the VERY LAST item of the whole auction. Totally worth it though. Next time we need to remember to bring more cash for the food available or pack a lunch.

My Kitchen Will Be Yellow....Eventually.

This is the wall I got done. Eventually I will finish the other walls. It is bright and cheery and I have been inspired.

Haybale Cold Frames and the Question of Dead Fish

I want vegetables now. I always kill my seedlings and I just don't have the space yet to dedicate to the seed flats. I have had success with direct sow, a lot of success, but this just doesn't work with tomato and peppers.....luckily I get plants from wonderful friends and neighbors, but I still want to be self sufficent in this matter. I am still a beginner, a beginner farmer too. I have so much to learn, perhaps more than one lifetime's worth of knowledge was not passed to my generation and learning from books and the Internet is surreal sometimes. There is a lot of trial and error.

Enter the haybales. I read about this here and here. Basically you place 4-6 bales in a square and then top with plastic or old windows. Our neighbor delivered to us all the old storms off their house last fall. Wonderful!

So here is the first haybale green house/ cold frame. We have 5 weeks until last frost date so I'm not going to bother starting cold weather stuff that I can just directly seed right now. I am going to try...tomatoes. Brave, daring, and maybe a little naive. That about sums up my entire adult life!

Once the cold season has passed and the plants can stand alone, the bales break down and make excellent cover mulch. I did this last year with cut long grass and had major weed problems- to address this I read here that heavily watering the bales so they sprout, then letting them dry out again, kills the seed sprouts and fixes the weed sprouting issue once they are spread as mulch. I also used old paper feed bags as a biodegradable landscape paper under the mulch. Excellent for weed control and they completely break down by the fall turning.

One of the other things I am going to try this year is dead fish as fertilizer. We had a fish kill in our pond and pulled out HUGE grass carp. Lily is 3 feet tall. The fish is the same size she is, maybe a little longer. Wow.

I will not be using those though, the smaller fish will break down easier and were scooped up with other organic matter from the pond. It will all be wonderful soil nutrition. I'm not going to use nearly as much as we actually have though, just a few buckets full as a trial. I know they will be great, but the guy who runs the tiller (my Dearest husband!) is concerned that they will tangle up in the tines. It is a small walk behind model but I have put on my wish list a pull behind for the tractor. He's also concerned about attracting wild predators. I don't know about that. I would think that compost heaps and gardens in general attract wild animals, but once the fish are tilled in it shouldn't be a problem. Right?

 Just look at those nutrient dense little fish! I'm excited for this trial and will be doing before and after soil testing out of curiosity. I picked up the soil bags and forms last week. We are testing the orchard grounds as well.

This is the other garden bed that will get the fish treatment. I can't wait for the soil to dry out and be workable but we have a warm dry stretch next week and if we can catch the end of it and till then, I think we'll be good to go.