Facing my Fears: Facebook

Facebook. For goodness sake, I blog, so I already put it all out there. Why on earth am I so uncomfortable with Facebook? Really its just an organized way to stay in touch with the local mamas, right?

Then I got my first friend request from someone I don't really know. She's a nice person, a friend of my sister's, but I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her. Not even once. Why would she friend request me? So I started poking around. Some of these folks have 300+ "friends". Really? I mean, really? So my thought is perhaps it is like collecting Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all. Right?

To test this theory I name searched an old classmate who was very popular and valued just that. My conjecture would be that she'd have a lot of friends. Yup. 500+ Wow, I mean, just wow.

But people use FB for different things. It is a social media. Some people add people that they work with, that they went to school with, family, and the list can grow really big pretty quickly.

So I decided that I will accept invitations from people I actually know. You know, friends. That may limit my list to like 20 people but I am very ok with that. You know? The huge list of people doesn't seem to change the personal nature of their twitter like updates. But then I started thinking, it is different than blogging in that you SEE who you are sharing with, unlike blogging which is an open book.

So then, I started poking around my old classmate's list. I didn't attend the reunions for either of my old high schools, but people certainly look just as I imagined they would. Pictures can say a lot about what they value and personality too.  So then I was contemplating the value for me in connecting with old classmates. I'm not really all that different, just grown up.

But that's the thing. I am different. Not in personalty or likes, but in circumstances. When they knew me I was a scared little kid in an abusive home, bullied at school, and not a lot of hope. Then I moved to Iowa. Things didn't change much until I finally moved out and moved on. It takes a lot to extract oneself from the claws of the abusive person. But I did it. It was not painless, but it was necessary for the health of me and my family (though they still reach out and dish the hurt, ugh).

So that said, would connecting with any of those strangers really benefit me? Do I have time for that? I'm not really one for reminiscing over the glory days since they were pretty awful for me. I have to say I much prefer my life now. Another thing, I could not have imagined myself here, as I was then. What good does spending so much time connecting with old friends really do? Does it just keep us mired in the past instead of relishing the present and working for the future? Like Lot's wife, does looking back turn me into a pillar of salt (presumably from tears?)?

Then there is the issue of truth. Even the local mamas I know don't post a complete picture about themselves on FB or even their own blogs. So who are we really connecting with online? I see my use of FB as a local network and communication tool rather than some yearbook/online dating hybrid.

But by participating in Facebook I have put my picture and real name reachable. I think that's the heart of what bothers me. The anonymity of blogspot and my MP profile feels slightly protective, a mask that I take off when I choose, but that buffers my family, my children, our real lives- the ones we actually live now, from the world a little bit.

And then after all the hee hawing over what to do, I did it. And in doing so reconnected with three of my best friends from Illinois, friends that I had not seen or spoken to in 16 years.  That's half my life ago! For me it was a rewriting of the past, not fictional, but taking a fictional version and rooting out the truth. Replacing hurt and heartache caused by lies with simple truth. I needed that. I needed it more than I imagined I ever would. It was like taking a wound and finally allowing it to heal. I needed to remember that friendship to complete the picture of my past with something other than the abuser's version. Sounds sappy I know.

I still limit my friends list though. Call me cautious.

Just a Day

I knew going into this adventure that things would be different, that days would be hard in ways that would be new to me. Even knowing that, some days just hit hard.

One morning the dogs didn't come when called. I had to load up the girls and drive around looking for them. It's harvest season and deer season and just not a good time to be MIA. I found them with a pack of dogs running down by the highway, covered in cow manure. So I loaded them up and brought them home. In loading up the girl pup, Lucy, I noticed that she was in heat.

There are options. She was not a year old yet and a small dog. The dogs they were running with were all pretty good size. One of them followed us home and stayed near Lucy's kennel all week. Nice fellow, I guess. Still, this is not what I intended to do with my week. We called the vet, as I needed time and a night to consider my options and stop being angry at myself for allowing her to run while I knew she was soon to have her first cycle. This is just the kind of situation I didn't expect, so it threw me a little.

We had her fixed and she recovered well. End of drama. She stays close to home now too. 

You know though, life is like that. You have to roll with the drama and just keep a level head. Our trip south was a lot of that. I've written before that I don't have much contact with my immediate family, and my aunt passing meant lots of sudden close quarters contact. I kept a level head. My car was wrecked on the way down, kept a level head. The insurance company did their red tape bull crap, I kept a level head (mostly, I did actually cry on the phone with Dearest in a moment of exhausted overwhelmed frustration), the thought of being stranded and without a vehicle 1000 miles from home was hard to wrap my mind around. One of my favourite beautiful awesome aunts and Lil'Bug fought almost constantly, but I kept my cool. Crazy awful relative said crazy mean hurtful things to me, I just centered myself and kept on with the day, because it really was a predictable thing to happen, though eventually it crossed a line and I took the girls on a museum day and then home to Iowa.

Once home I thought I would decompress and let myself grieve and instead I just went back to our everyday normal. My Aunt who passed meant a great deal to me and Christmas was hard, especially when I found giant Stam's chocolate Santas that I knew would make her laugh. Instead, I picked up a fiddle and signed up for lessons. One of the things I had talked to her about last summer was my regret of never learning to play and how much I admired her son, my awesome cousin, for picking it up. Then as I grieved I realized that the only thing holding me back as an adult from learning and stomping out that regret was me. I may never be very good but I don't care. I miss her, and the time I missed spending with her and her family, missed because of stupid family drama, lingers as hurt in my heart. I am very glad to have reconnected with my Cajun family and I am working hard to keep that fragile thread of a connection from breaking.

All in all, I just have to smile and keep on swimming. Every single day is a blessing. Standing outside tonight under a canopy of twinkling stars, half hearted melting snow crunching under my feet, I praised God for the gift of that moment and the peace I have found in my own heart.

Reverse Psychology is Stupid and Harmful

Reverse psychology is lying. Lying and manipulating. The term just makes me shudder, especially when used in reference to an act of parenting.

I will never use it on my kids. It's mean and it undermines trust. Actually it is mean BECAUSE it undermines trust.

We use it in play sometimes, like saying that Burek was caterpillar, but even then it backfires sometimes. It is just a tool. Some tools should not be used for some things, like making people do what you want them to.

Thoughts on Diversity in the Classroom

My Dearest and I were "discussing" the Playscape post a while back. He is totally on board with homeschooling but thinks perhaps our homeschooling group is not as "diverse" as we would experience in a public school classroom. This conversation was almost 2 years ago and has languished in my draft box.

Hmmmm.

Here's the thing. I don't think, because of the nature of geographic assignment that classrooms are all that diverse. I mean, I may encounter a Muslim kid, but when would I get to experience his culture/religion? Religion and religious influenced culture is taboo in public school, no? And a show and tell one time deal isn't really experiencing it. You may have a black kid or an Asian kid or a Latino kid, but really, if they go to your school they are likely the same socioeconomic class as you, watch the same cartoons, wear the same clothes. How diverse is that really? At that age it is all about fitting in and assimilating. Finding cultural identity and making it a signature doesn't come until later, typically.

The point I am trying to make is that if I were to send my kid to public school so she can meet people of "color" or those with different religions, perhaps a re-thinking of the way my family lives should be considered too (not instead). All the public schools but two I attended had middle and upper class white kids. If there were kids of other backgrounds they were not in the honors classes I was assigned to. Not really a diverse experience, actually a very deep rooting of class (monetary) segregation where the parents' accumulation of wealth=opportunity and privilege. If a poor kid managed to somehow make it into these classes, that poverty was guarded and hidden, lest the peer group were to find out. Social diversity needs should be met as a family and not in the context of a bunch of immature age peers who do not have the tools to deal with differences when and if they arise. Don't get me started on how the school let everyone else know who the free lunch kids were. It was humiliating at best.

I also think that diversity is so much more than ethnic food or cultural traditions. Age and economics are important too. Recently a group function we attend decided the once all inclusive class should be divided into age groups. 20-40's all together, 40-60's, and 60+'s. That frustrates me more than the similar age groupings they did for the kids. I have more in common with the 40+ folks than the individuals nearer my age. I really believe that we all benefit from learning with and from people of all ages. Our society separates us too much as it is, why continue to do it when we have a choice!? People learn differently when in a diverse age range group. Setting us with our age peers does not level the playing field, it only gives unfair advantage to some. Perhaps that is the intention.

Recently Lil'Bug was really unhappy in her art class so I suggested to the teacher that the later class, the more advanced one would be better for our schedule. She was reluctant because the kids are all older....but allowed a trial. After ONE class it was obvious that it was a better fit for Lil'Bug. Not skill level, but socially. She just feels more comfortable with kids in her own linguistic skill range and sometimes the little kids just frustrate her. She knows this. She communicates it very clearly, which is sort of a factor of the dynamic.

Thinking about it, that art class IS pretty diverse and so is our homeschool group. More diverse than any classroom I ever sat in. Anyway, those are just my thoughts today.