Birth and Doulas and Centering

I love the idea of Doulas. I now have two that will be attending June Bug's birth. The idea of having dedicated care providers that are my employees, that's only part of it. I also long for the idea of being surrounded by friends and family for the blessed event, but that may not be possible if things go awry. During C-Section prep last time only the Doula could stay with me and I was glad to have someone I knew holding my hand. Things got crazy. I am glad to have the small comforts.

Birth is a complicated issue for me. At times I am full of anxiety and mistrust and at others I feel fully empowered to complete the cycle. Things did not go as I planned with Lil'Bug, complications made things scary. This time, feels different. I feel different about many things, more confident and more knowledgeable, but there is still the unknown waiting out there. I read in a kids adventure book recently- one character said to another, "If you feel confident, it is merely because there is something you don't know. Fear can save your life." Or something like that.

So I ordered more books, looked into classes again. I sat down and thought about it. I talked with Dearest Husband. It is too early to stress out about what we don't know will happen.

I am doing better with the de-stress meditation, I bought a lovely pendant today to work as a worry stone, it is Carnelina and Imperial Jasper in a pumpkin orange with a purple vein. My favorite colour combination. It was handmade by a dear friend, that makes it even more special.Will a small pretty make a big difference? Maybe. With Lil'Bug I had a pendant I wore through pregnancy of opal and amethyst and I will give it to her on her 18th birthday. I wanted the same small token to give June Bug. It is very pretty and feels perfect on my neck.

Fleeting Moments

We made cream cheese frosting for raspberry filled cupcakes (will make those in the morning). Yummy.

She washed her own hair today with an entire bottle of shampoo. I had to rescue her when she couldn't get a clean rinse or open her eyes. It looked like she'd been blue slimed. I'm not sure it all came out, but she sure smells good!

Lil'Bug asked me if she could use my phone to call her friends so they'd come over and play. She proceeded to trash her room and THEN she asked me to take her to the mall. How fast they grow up. When I said, "No," she waited patiently until Daddy came home and asked him.

Of course he said, "Get your shoes, let's go!" Sigh. On the way out she said, "Mama, I just needed attention. I'll clean my room when I get home." ROTFL

She did many things today. Too many to count. All said and done, we had a really good day today, but she earned the title: Tornado Tot!

Rainy Day

Lil'Bug almost slept through the night. She woke up around 4:30 am scared of the dark or a nightmare. Unfortunately, she gets that from me. From a very young age, I suffered from night terrors and nightmares. Our first year living together I would wake up with Dearest Husband came home from work (around 1am) and we would argue- I didn't remember, don't remember a single bit of it. Once he realized I was actually sleeping, he found ways to diffuse the situation.

Now my nightmares are the more regular kind, a little like showing up at exam day in pajamas, they all revolve around a second life- one I would have lived had my choices been different, a horrible, hurtful, unhappy life. This morning I woke up full of gratitude for the life I do live. Full to the brim. I am so blessed to be having children inside a happy family with a loving, supportive partner. I am blessed to have friends near and far supporting me in ways I never expected. Blessed to have the time and resources to explore my and my children's interests. I am blessed to have stepped out of the dark fog of depression that haunted me on and off this past year, cleared in no small part due to the above.

I wish I knew what Lil'Bug was dreaming about.

Today it is raining. It is dark out and wet. Today I am mopping floors. I found a new to us brand of floor cleaner at Target, supposed to be non-toxic so tot can help. Smells like almonds. I bought a matching wood polish, so the furniture will get wiped down too. I am also organizing and unjunking drawers today. I got frustrated cleaning this weekend because every time I tried to find a home for something, drawers were full. Every drawer was a junk drawer!! No more. Now I even have empty drawers. The kitchen island and cubbies are getting done today.

Breaking these tasks into doable segments is really helping. First I organized my back bedroom and turned it into a creative studio (craft room). Lil'Bug has her kitchen corner in there too. I moved all my creative things in there. Now they have a home. That took days. Second I organized the toys. Doing this impacted the entire house and Lil'Bug is so happy that she can find things again. She likes it so much that she is trying to help keep stuff together and picked up. We do a pick up of her room at bedtime or in the afternoon. Whenever she wants. Then I cleared off the dining room table. Wow. That really accumulated things from Christmas crafts, holiday mail, you name it. It was Grand Central Station for all of our creativeness. I did that yesterday. It seems pretty small, but each day, doing something small but impactful is actually working. After breakfast, I clean up the dishes and do a round of laundry. I'm not spending much time doing the deep cleaning each day and yet it is getting done.

By the time I am finished, it will be time to prepare the garden!

*edited to add* the floor cleaner sucks. It smells pretty but is ineffective. I think I'll do a traditional mop down with Murphy's oil soap and then go over it with this stuff just to use it up and for the smell. Gah. Maybe it would be better if I was just dust mopping and not dredging mud.

Nesting

I hit (according to the many baby books laying around here) month 5 this week. I can hardly believe it!!!

Over the weekend I packed my hospital bag. Why not? Better to be prepared than not. I got most of the stuff for Christmas and PJ's were on clearance at the mall. So it's done.

Last night I cleaned and cleaned the house. Today, more of the same. We have tracked so much mud in that it is hard to keep up. Then my classes started. I thought, "What?! My break is over?! No fair!" and then "Agh! My class website isn't done! AND they loaded students in already? Agh!"

So I have been running full speed since about 4 pm Sunday, taking breaks to clean when my mactop battery needs a charge. No time to even look sideways at the camera. However, my photo challenge has some beautiful and inspiring participation. Check it out! (I'll post mine soon....)

Other thoughts that have caught me off guard today: it is warm outside, warm for January in Iowa. The snow is melting, there is a flood warning, and it rained. Thunderstorms and fog expected tonight. Not really all that surprising but what caught me was this- the smell. The earth and green things smell alive, like they are waking up. It reminds me of Christmas in Louisiana from my childhood. Muddy and slow, still cold, a damp cold that goes right to the core. Time for some gumbo ya ya. It will take me a few days to gather ingredients.

Back to nesting!