Rainy Day

Lil'Bug almost slept through the night. She woke up around 4:30 am scared of the dark or a nightmare. Unfortunately, she gets that from me. From a very young age, I suffered from night terrors and nightmares. Our first year living together I would wake up with Dearest Husband came home from work (around 1am) and we would argue- I didn't remember, don't remember a single bit of it. Once he realized I was actually sleeping, he found ways to diffuse the situation.

Now my nightmares are the more regular kind, a little like showing up at exam day in pajamas, they all revolve around a second life- one I would have lived had my choices been different, a horrible, hurtful, unhappy life. This morning I woke up full of gratitude for the life I do live. Full to the brim. I am so blessed to be having children inside a happy family with a loving, supportive partner. I am blessed to have friends near and far supporting me in ways I never expected. Blessed to have the time and resources to explore my and my children's interests. I am blessed to have stepped out of the dark fog of depression that haunted me on and off this past year, cleared in no small part due to the above.

I wish I knew what Lil'Bug was dreaming about.

Today it is raining. It is dark out and wet. Today I am mopping floors. I found a new to us brand of floor cleaner at Target, supposed to be non-toxic so tot can help. Smells like almonds. I bought a matching wood polish, so the furniture will get wiped down too. I am also organizing and unjunking drawers today. I got frustrated cleaning this weekend because every time I tried to find a home for something, drawers were full. Every drawer was a junk drawer!! No more. Now I even have empty drawers. The kitchen island and cubbies are getting done today.

Breaking these tasks into doable segments is really helping. First I organized my back bedroom and turned it into a creative studio (craft room). Lil'Bug has her kitchen corner in there too. I moved all my creative things in there. Now they have a home. That took days. Second I organized the toys. Doing this impacted the entire house and Lil'Bug is so happy that she can find things again. She likes it so much that she is trying to help keep stuff together and picked up. We do a pick up of her room at bedtime or in the afternoon. Whenever she wants. Then I cleared off the dining room table. Wow. That really accumulated things from Christmas crafts, holiday mail, you name it. It was Grand Central Station for all of our creativeness. I did that yesterday. It seems pretty small, but each day, doing something small but impactful is actually working. After breakfast, I clean up the dishes and do a round of laundry. I'm not spending much time doing the deep cleaning each day and yet it is getting done.

By the time I am finished, it will be time to prepare the garden!

*edited to add* the floor cleaner sucks. It smells pretty but is ineffective. I think I'll do a traditional mop down with Murphy's oil soap and then go over it with this stuff just to use it up and for the smell. Gah. Maybe it would be better if I was just dust mopping and not dredging mud.