Release heartache, tension, and bottled up emotions. Sounds simple, so simple....it is anything but.
I still hold on to resentment about how I grew up and how I was or wasn't treated. It was awful. Painful. All that. Would make a great Lifetime movie I'm sure. But I walked away from it 10 years ago. A decade. Well, maybe not all of it. The most toxic person took a little longer to get away from mostly because of the proximity of location and relation, it was only 4 years ago. Still, years. Releasing myself from the hatred and anger does not mean I will forget or reestablish contact- but it should free me from a lot of stress and tension and fear, both of which hinder my creative potential. Forgiveness? Yeah, I'm not there yet.
More recently, this past summer, I had a falling out with a very close friend. At the end of the confrontations, I felt used and betrayed and unloved. Why? It was rather one sided and all the emotional heartache was heaped on me. Because of this I am having a harder time trusting and settling into new friendships. I am also angry at myself for missing the obvious. I need to release this and let it go. I spent 2o years of my life closed up from people, afraid of what they would think of me. Then, I only let my husband in. When I opened myself up to this friend I was very vulnerable and suffered for poor choices. Sure, I took a small step and failed, that does not mean I should sit down and give up! Recently I have been blessed with plenty of wonderful opportunities to connect with people and establish safe, supportive, nurturing relationships....no small grace. I need to embrace this and not cower away from it.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same (The Fray). In all of the above things, I looked at the big picture, the health of everyone involved, and made a choice. A choice we have to live with. I don't regret my actions, I need to release myself from the questioning. It is done, I need to move on. Just writing this brought on a tension headache. This part, this release is a bit like grieving. I've been grieving for years, it is time for a new beginning.
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A mentor of mine once told me: "Just let it go." Concerning the thing I had been telling him about, it was pretty hard, but I eventually did. I've repeated that advice in my head with other things later. That's what this post reminds me of. It doesn't mean everything is okay, it just means I am not going to hold onto it and dwell in it and be angry about it anymore. I think it gets easier with practice.
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