Thoughts on Love

When Chad saw the farm for the first time we was smitten. I had seen it 2 days prior, I am the one who found the listing online and drove down 65 miles into muddy Southern Iowa to see the house. After getting the car stuck on a grade B road, 2 feet sunk down in the mud, hauled out by a neighbor and the realtor, walking the pasture in the rain, and touring the house (by then soaked to the bone, wet clothes, cranky babies) I had decided that the collapsing roof and flooded basement were too much for us and we'd keep looking. I sent the pictures to Chad to convince him. All he saw was this:

And he was in love.

I argued that the commute was too long.
I argued that the house was too much work.
I worried about small town living, shopping, bleeding to death while stuck in a giant slurping mud hole. Rodents of unusual size. Fire swamp.

He said to me, quietly, "Do you think you could make this our home?"

Quietly he looked at me with intent and I knew, as I always have, that home is whenever I am with him. Wherever. Whenever. Always.

That was that. Here we are. Home.

I am blessed to have a love like ours.

A few years back I shared our love story here on the blog: Love Story.

I think though, it doesn't do the real thing justice. We've been together 17 years now, married for almost 15. 2 apartments, 3 houses, pregnancies and births, 3 babyhoods, starting a business together, farming, 20 sheep, 3 cows, 100's of pigs and chickens, a llama ect, and constantly growing and learning and figuring it all out: together.

Not to say we don't fight. We do. Sometimes it is loud and horrible, but that is rare. Sometimes the silence that falls between us is worse. That passes too. Sometimes I make cream soup for dinner because I am pissed at him. It happens. Yet, through it all, I can count on him to come when I yell out in the dark with a fevering kid or when the window fell in during a storm and I somehow caught it with one hand while nursing Isaac, but the rain and wind and how I was sitting had me trapped- all I had to do was yell out, Help! and there he was. He reads my blog. He reads and comments on my social media pages. He encourages me and knows me. I try to keep up with his social media as well, we co-admin a couple groups, but as much as I veer toward creative mothering he is interested in agri-politics and I cannot keep up. Try as I might, I prefer poetry and babies to cowboys arguing over manure and corn. Yet, somehow we come together everyday, share what we are grateful for (sometimes even over creamy soup), and make it another day.

17 years ago, I looked up at the August sky and saw my first falling star. I made a single wish, To be loved. That night I stood on the edge of Saylorville Lake and watched my 11 year old sister get cranky with Chad and lose half of his fishing gear in the rocky waters, probably on purpose. He was calm and patient. My wish was not specific. At that point my heart was so broken that I did not believe that I could ever love again. That was why my wish was not for me to love, but to be loved. I did not care who or when, but I was tired of being used and resented and disliked. I was tired of fighting so hard to be seen as a person and not some midget freak show, not as a body with boobs, not as a nuisance, but as a person. My heart was broken in a way that took years to grind away and not even Chad could love it back to whole. He led me there though. He prayed with me. He was gentle. He saw me me struggle and was patient.

And it was from that that I grew to love him. He's upstairs sleeping now. When I came home he was holding Isaac who was thrashing in his sleep. Chad has wrangled kids while I caught up on work in the afternoon so that I could be finished at a decent time and maybe have time to write. As I was listing my three things I am thankful for today via Project Happy, I realised that the basis of all of them are the foundation of my family. Love. This love. That even though my proclamation that I would marry the DJ on the radio back in 1994 came true and that makes a fantastic story to tell the kids, the truth of it is that our love is so much more than that. I can count on him to come when I yell help. I can count on him  to hold the baby and rock away the thrashing nightmares. I can count on him in the darkness to lift the brokeness off me in the storm. Always. While the storm rages on outside, he tucks the warm dry quilt around me and the children and re-secures the windows.

When Holly asked me if I really believed in star wishing magic, this is what swirled up out of my memories. Oh yes, Holly, yes I really do.