Inertia

So my very wise husband and I were discussing a friend the who went to college for one thing, got a job in that one thing then quit, wallowed for a bit got another job in that one thing and quit again and is now perpetually unhappy in the job they now have in a totally unrelated field. Why on earth would someone go to school for something that's not a good fit for them? I asked. Inertia. Once someone gets going on a path it can be really hard to get off, he so wisely replied. Sometimes it is easier than changing paths or pursuing something else.

I smugly thought, Oh good. I am so glad I am not like that. Whew.

Right. Inertia is a law for a reason. It does not discriminate.

Sure I pursued higher education in my chosen fields and again for grad school and then chose after a bit to change paths and be a mom and a professor for a bit. I think it was easier for me because who I am was not tied up in my degrees. I'm a mom and a writer/creative, external jobs were just extra. Now, those of you who have been reading this blog know that the path for me from there to here was not as simple as that. I did my fair share of releasing those labels to embrace my identity, but the actual doing just happened. But perhaps it is not as easy for others.

What I am getting to though is not about career paths though, that's just a ramble to delay my confession. Inertia kept me on a path away from my family and their conflict. It started with a petty argument and then an epiphany. As a newly pregnant mom about 5 years ago I asked for some boundaries and some breathing room so as to deal with a higher risk pregnancy than normal and those boundaries were stomped on almost immediately. So the lines were redrawn and reinforced. It was hard at first but soon the line was a wall and ultimatums were made on both sides. Honestly the longer we were apart the healthier I became physically and emotionally. I missed my Dad the whole time but I understood the bigger picture and the importance of my well being to becoming a good mom. It was more about me than anything else, but the longer I examined the why's and what's I became angrier and angrier and more set in my decision to stay away from her. Infrequent bouts of hurtful things she'd do reinforced my resolve.

5 years later.....my sister's wedding shifted our perspective. My husband decided in the middle of the reception to leave and go get our girls. It meant the world to Aunt Bee on her wedding day, to my grandmother who'd never met them, to Aunts and Uncles who'd never met them, to my Dad who never met them. There were so many tears.

Perhaps it is time to look at the map again and replan our route out of this brokenhearted place. I am still not ready to have a relationship with the person who creates such hurt and anxiety in my life, but perhaps the healing can begin with other parts of my family first. Inertia is a hard thing to break from so of course this will all move very slowly, like one of those old sci fi robot machines that creaks and rumbles back to life. A little care, a careful path and the old machine works again. Let's hope it's not a Killdozer.

So that brings me to last night. My Dad and I had our first visit in about 5 years. We had dinner at the farm and chatted about school, work, and food. It was so very good in so many ways. Tonight we are eating Boudain, extra spicy with a side of Community Coffee.

Honestly, I am probably not going to write much more about this topic or healing because it is intensely private. But still, that's what is happening down at our little farm.

Here's to healing! (And to wise husbands!)