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A blog about farming, unschooling, feminism, 22q deletion syndrome, cooking real food, homesteading, permaculture, and motherhood.
My left big toe has been a fracking miserable nightmare for the last 3 and a 1/2 years. Not always. But when it flares up or becomes a nuisance it does so with such dramatic and pathetic flare that I have to work hard to not let it take over my otherwise lovely life. And it is annoying. And driving me nuts.
It started with a pig stepping on it and cracking the nail bed. Then infection. Then I had to have the nail surgically removed. Then it grew back wrong. Antibiotics. A year soaked in ointment and bandages. Then just when I thought it had gone away, BAM, gout.Sounds cool, right? A blog post is a lot less formal typically. However, I can see right here that other blog posts I read are changing my own writing style. That would be fine if I wasn't using my blog to compile material for a book. This kind of writing is not acceptable on a professional level either.
When my doctor wisely told me to give up bacon and spinach, I told him to cut the toe off. Heck, severe my entire foot instead. I really love bacon. Ok, um, not really that much, but I found that daily shots of cherry juice holds the gout in check well enough. And I am not. Giving. Up. Bacon. Ever.
Then, suddenly, yesterday a giant sore appeared on the tip. A line like a blister or a burn. But weeping and near bloody. I cleaned it up hoped it would go away, usually ignoring things that are just slightly annoying and pathetic attempts at creating strife and drama is the way to handle it.Add to the list a rule to also not start a sentence with the word but, fragments hanging there that could easily be edited into real fluid sentences that are not grammatical stabbings at the fabric of good writing.
But no. It was worse in the morning, begging for attention, making today all about the toe. Stealing my thoughts and energy away from more important things like the life I live and the work I do that satisfies my soul. Toes that are in pain tend to create drama to distract themselves from real pain and infection. It is easier than healing I suppose, and I suspect that it enjoys the extra attention. Stupid toe.
What would soothe this tar ball of a nuisance? A pedicure? A special soak? Attention that it so clearly desires? Maybe another blog post about how my toe is ruining my life would make the situation better? Oh wait, I have never written a blog post about my toe. Huh.
So I go back to my gentle approach. Ignore it mostly, send healing thoughts, salve, and care. Love my big, horrible, annoying, pathetic toe just like I love the rest of my body. It just is what and who it is and there is no amount of whining about it that will change it. Sad but true. It is just one of a community of ten toes on my feet, one toe in the billions of toes in my life. All those toes unique and dealing with different terrain and shoes and journeys.There are many ways to improve the whole blog entry and not actually publishing it is the first one that comes to mind. First, it doesn't fit with the content of my blog. Second, it is crazy boring to read about a festering toe.
Hopefully, a pair of new shoes and a swim in the pond with my babies will help it feel better. Maybe I just need to air it out a bit, let it be, and lay in the grass in the sunshine. Maybe it is just going through a tough time and wants to distract itself from some real hurt that isn't as obvious to the other toes yet. Maybe it is jealous that my right foot never gets stepped on even though it has a genetic defect that makes it webbed. Maybe it is tired from being in constant pain too.
I have learned a lot from my feet. They carry me on my adventures. I wash them with care. My daughters love to paint my toes with varnish paint and I let them even though I hate the way it looks. I love how happy it makes them. I will continue to have patience. I will continue to carry this burden and pain with me and not let it take over my days, pray for peace and healing. If I become as blistered and festering as that poor toe, if I let the infection spread, then I have lost all that I hold dear and I will become a burden to my friends and family, annoying them, as this toe annoys me.