I suffered postpardum depression with Lil'Bug, though I did not acknowledge it at the time. I was overwhelmed and unsure and nothing I did or wanted to do seemed to work: the sling I bought, breastfeeding, just holding her or sleeping. It was hard. It never got easier. I was given a sling that fit me, I learned to breastfeed her, and we slowly discovered how to live with each other. It was not the Pottery Barn fantasy I was sold.
Even though things got better, I was relieved to go back to work, to hand her over, to have a big long break to get back to myself and who I was before. And oh the guilt. It was fine for a while, but then life started happening. Everything unraveled quite rapidly. Babysitter quit, family was stressed, baby needed me, my studies were more intense. At that point Lil'Bug was 9 months old. I made a choice to be her mother more so than I was doing. I walked away from the me me me.
I won't get a 9 month break with 8 hour gaps of no kid time to figure things out this time. If I had PPD then, what will happen now? This time I will have Lil'Bug running at full speed too, it will be summer, Dearest Husband will still have to work and travel, we might move soon after........the anxiety mounts.
But why? Those can be seen as positives too. I shall release the anxieties for what they are. Then, in June, I will release the joy from my body and hold her in my arms.
Lil'Bug can share our joy and help. I know how to breastfeed, I have a sling that fits, I know how to change a diaper and bathe and dress a baby (right, did not know before Lil'Bug.....), I have a friend network of other mothers AND I have no marketed disillusions like before. There will be poop, sleepless nights, more poop, gross stuff, and......I had to work through it with Lil'Bug to learn this.
I will love and cherish everyone of those fleeting moments as they come.
Thursday, 3 January 2008
Release: Part 4, Baby Anxieties
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
Release: Part 3, Identity
This is trickier. I was once a star prodigy in our local Historic Preservation movement. I was named by the local paper as a new leader to be watched in local politics. I served, youngest member ever, on a City Commission and on two statewide boards, and served as a curator at a local museum. All before age 28. Then I completed my MA in Historic Preservation/History/Writing. I was called when a sweet job opening came up at the State Agency that oversees all things historic architectural in Iowa (didn't take it though). The list goes on.
Getting pregnant and having Lil'Bug did not slow me down even a little bit- I just put on a sling and took her with me. Then my babysitter quit. I got a call from the local jr. college to teach. I quit my 40/7 job and took a teaching position that was 15/5 plus work at home. I was in negotiations with investors for a house rehab business when one of them expressed concern that I wouldn't be able to handle a toddler plus all that would be required for this business.
Then it all stopped. He was right. I couldn't handle it all. Or I could, but my family couldn't. Something would give and it would all shatter.
I resigned my posts. I cut back teaching even more and took up online classes. I finished my degree.
I miss it. I miss the limelight. I miss people, news reporters, and friends calling me for sound bytes and advice. But if given the choice again, I would not choose it. I would choose my family. I would choose the path that I am on now. The old life was constant running and social activity with no real personal connections. I need to find a way to release my sadness and maybe find a way to fill the need that the other things did. It was problem solving, creating beauty, and having a positive impact on my community.
Hmmmm.... Parenting does all those things too! ;) I think what I need is to further my quest to make it to the farm life we've been dreaming of. Maybe work on my novels. Paint. Photograph. Re-establish my identity to myself. Really nothing is missing, just a definition to myself. The ability to say, I'm a mother AND an artist, writer, ect. Why do I need those definitions anyway? Why can't I just be me, simple, no labels? That's fodder for another day. ;)
Getting pregnant and having Lil'Bug did not slow me down even a little bit- I just put on a sling and took her with me. Then my babysitter quit. I got a call from the local jr. college to teach. I quit my 40/7 job and took a teaching position that was 15/5 plus work at home. I was in negotiations with investors for a house rehab business when one of them expressed concern that I wouldn't be able to handle a toddler plus all that would be required for this business.
Then it all stopped. He was right. I couldn't handle it all. Or I could, but my family couldn't. Something would give and it would all shatter.
I resigned my posts. I cut back teaching even more and took up online classes. I finished my degree.
I miss it. I miss the limelight. I miss people, news reporters, and friends calling me for sound bytes and advice. But if given the choice again, I would not choose it. I would choose my family. I would choose the path that I am on now. The old life was constant running and social activity with no real personal connections. I need to find a way to release my sadness and maybe find a way to fill the need that the other things did. It was problem solving, creating beauty, and having a positive impact on my community.
Hmmmm.... Parenting does all those things too! ;) I think what I need is to further my quest to make it to the farm life we've been dreaming of. Maybe work on my novels. Paint. Photograph. Re-establish my identity to myself. Really nothing is missing, just a definition to myself. The ability to say, I'm a mother AND an artist, writer, ect. Why do I need those definitions anyway? Why can't I just be me, simple, no labels? That's fodder for another day. ;)
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
Release: Part 2, Emotional Well Being
Release heartache, tension, and bottled up emotions. Sounds simple, so simple....it is anything but.
I still hold on to resentment about how I grew up and how I was or wasn't treated. It was awful. Painful. All that. Would make a great Lifetime movie I'm sure. But I walked away from it 10 years ago. A decade. Well, maybe not all of it. The most toxic person took a little longer to get away from mostly because of the proximity of location and relation, it was only 4 years ago. Still, years. Releasing myself from the hatred and anger does not mean I will forget or reestablish contact- but it should free me from a lot of stress and tension and fear, both of which hinder my creative potential. Forgiveness? Yeah, I'm not there yet.
More recently, this past summer, I had a falling out with a very close friend. At the end of the confrontations, I felt used and betrayed and unloved. Why? It was rather one sided and all the emotional heartache was heaped on me. Because of this I am having a harder time trusting and settling into new friendships. I am also angry at myself for missing the obvious. I need to release this and let it go. I spent 2o years of my life closed up from people, afraid of what they would think of me. Then, I only let my husband in. When I opened myself up to this friend I was very vulnerable and suffered for poor choices. Sure, I took a small step and failed, that does not mean I should sit down and give up! Recently I have been blessed with plenty of wonderful opportunities to connect with people and establish safe, supportive, nurturing relationships....no small grace. I need to embrace this and not cower away from it.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same (The Fray). In all of the above things, I looked at the big picture, the health of everyone involved, and made a choice. A choice we have to live with. I don't regret my actions, I need to release myself from the questioning. It is done, I need to move on. Just writing this brought on a tension headache. This part, this release is a bit like grieving. I've been grieving for years, it is time for a new beginning.
I still hold on to resentment about how I grew up and how I was or wasn't treated. It was awful. Painful. All that. Would make a great Lifetime movie I'm sure. But I walked away from it 10 years ago. A decade. Well, maybe not all of it. The most toxic person took a little longer to get away from mostly because of the proximity of location and relation, it was only 4 years ago. Still, years. Releasing myself from the hatred and anger does not mean I will forget or reestablish contact- but it should free me from a lot of stress and tension and fear, both of which hinder my creative potential. Forgiveness? Yeah, I'm not there yet.
More recently, this past summer, I had a falling out with a very close friend. At the end of the confrontations, I felt used and betrayed and unloved. Why? It was rather one sided and all the emotional heartache was heaped on me. Because of this I am having a harder time trusting and settling into new friendships. I am also angry at myself for missing the obvious. I need to release this and let it go. I spent 2o years of my life closed up from people, afraid of what they would think of me. Then, I only let my husband in. When I opened myself up to this friend I was very vulnerable and suffered for poor choices. Sure, I took a small step and failed, that does not mean I should sit down and give up! Recently I have been blessed with plenty of wonderful opportunities to connect with people and establish safe, supportive, nurturing relationships....no small grace. I need to embrace this and not cower away from it.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same (The Fray). In all of the above things, I looked at the big picture, the health of everyone involved, and made a choice. A choice we have to live with. I don't regret my actions, I need to release myself from the questioning. It is done, I need to move on. Just writing this brought on a tension headache. This part, this release is a bit like grieving. I've been grieving for years, it is time for a new beginning.
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
Release: Part 1, Stuff
Release my attachment to stuff/junk. This is the easy part, right? De-cluttering is really an economic privilege, you have to have stuff and be able to do without it. But I am a curbside junk-aholic. I have grand visions of what things could be. I also have a strange attraction to clearance sales or cheap crap- like a crow collecting pretty, shiny things. I need to develop an attachment to my bank account balance instead. This also means that when I have actual need for something, like dining room chairs, there might be money for it.
Release the extra things people give me. I am also sentimental about gifts, even if I don't need them. I need to say no. I need to take on less.
Release the desire to go shopping. I hate shopping, yet I am drawn to it as the first response to a need- any need and then I buy more than I need. I need to look around and really make sure that I don't have something that will fill that need. Getting organized will help this, since usually I can't find the things I need even if I do have them.
See this is the easy one. We will choose the quality pieces of furniture and items to take with us when we move and all else will be sold or given away. We started with 75 bins in storage and are down to less than half of that. We started with a house jammed full of furniture and last summer downed it to two bedroom sets (from 4-5?). We really have uncluttered, but I can hardly tell! This is so frustrating to me. Moving will help, but you can't wave a wand and get a lifestyle. We need to learn it now. We clear a space or a surface and within days it is full of stuff again (flylady calls these hot-spots, whatever, volcanoes of junk is more like it!). So, I must release the goblin who keeps doing this inside me and just take care of it.
Release the extra things people give me. I am also sentimental about gifts, even if I don't need them. I need to say no. I need to take on less.
Release the desire to go shopping. I hate shopping, yet I am drawn to it as the first response to a need- any need and then I buy more than I need. I need to look around and really make sure that I don't have something that will fill that need. Getting organized will help this, since usually I can't find the things I need even if I do have them.
See this is the easy one. We will choose the quality pieces of furniture and items to take with us when we move and all else will be sold or given away. We started with 75 bins in storage and are down to less than half of that. We started with a house jammed full of furniture and last summer downed it to two bedroom sets (from 4-5?). We really have uncluttered, but I can hardly tell! This is so frustrating to me. Moving will help, but you can't wave a wand and get a lifestyle. We need to learn it now. We clear a space or a surface and within days it is full of stuff again (flylady calls these hot-spots, whatever, volcanoes of junk is more like it!). So, I must release the goblin who keeps doing this inside me and just take care of it.
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
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