Holiday Angst

This weekend has not been very good. I worked on grading finals, I fixed more computer-y bugs in my class software (ok, compensated for them), and basically stomped around full of anger.

I wish that this time of year I could zen my way out of these feelings and be the peaceful mama that I know I can be. The inner turmoil has been terrible this year. The Omaha mall shootings triggered it. Of the terrible things in my past, I can include surviving and witnessing a terrible crime- I know first hand that the survivors and witnesses will suffer more in the coming years than the gunman ever felt in his teenage angst. PTSD is an easier label but it is not so easy to live with. Pray for them and their families and then pray that you and your loved ones never suffer so.

Then this time of year always brings the recourse of the hard decision we made years ago: to cut off contact with my former abusers. They are family and many of the rest of my family call my very hard decision a feud and tell me to get over it, to grow up, to move on. That angers me. I have grown up and in growing up I choose not to allow people, regardless of some biological link, to treat me in such horrible ways, to allow the abuse to continue in any form or expose my children to such behaviors. That means for me that beloved cousins and aunts and uncles do not visit us when they come to town, they do not call anymore. For some it is easier not to believe me or to "put family" and loyalty first. What am I exactly, chopped liver? It is the last vestige of how the abusive people can wield their power of hurt. For some reason, it is only at the holidays that these feelings overwhelm me.

Right now I am extremely over sensitive and touchy. I am trying to find and inner peace and some sense of balance but it is so much harder than it sounds. So, for me it means cleaning house and baking cookies and just living life.

Piles

Piles of clean laundry waiting (wanting?) to be folded, piles of art supplies, piles of dishes, piles of cookies, piles of toys, piles of papers waiting to be graded in my virtual inbox (thank goodness for paperless classrooms or I'd have a fire hazard on my hands), piles of chaos.....

Pile of inconsolable tot: All of the above and Thursday's art co op got canceled. I should be grateful for the extra time, right? But for the fact that we were loading into the car when the cancel call came and he whole day had been about getting ready for it. Lil'Bug cried. Real tears. Then she was just sad the rest of the day and nothing could cheer her up. I tried really hard: hot cocoa, watching a movie, tickling....not a smile.

We got 4 inches of snow in four hours on Thursday. That's why the art day was canceled. I feel ok about driving when it rains or snows but some moms don't, I guess. I suppose it is better to be safe than sorry or liable, but that explanation didn't fly with a very sad tot. I think this cements my decision to do a regular craft/crazy day with friends here at my home. I am working on a schedule right now. Pile it on to the list of things I have to do.

Piles of snow: not much accumulation really and not the kind that's good for snow creatures either. Streets are cleared, ice is hidden, days are cold- that's Iowa.

Piles of crap: I have a super power (well, several really)- I generally can tell when people are lying. Whether it be about dog sitting or why a paper is late or anything. I guess I got this by teaching college freshmen or growing up in the environment that I did, but I wish I wasn't so blessed. It would be so much easier to just take what people say and be done with it. Sometimes it is just easier to pretend to.

Piles of art: this I can live with. I really love sitting down randomly and as time warrants and working on whatever it is: a card or two, a bead string, or a painting. This pile is welcomed.

School at School

We went to the Science Center today. Lil'Bug loves it- usually. Today there were one hundred first graders on a field trip. Couple things happened:

1) Chaos. Good chaos for the most part, but one group of these bigger kids did not respect the little kids and the areas for just and only babies and toddlers. They mowed over Lil'Bug over and over with or without me there (they mowed over me too). We moved on to a different space because we can. The next area had the other half of the field trip and they were being over disciplined for just being kids and touching things (in an interactive museum for kids, go figure). Some were humiliated to the point of crying. They were directed to play with Legos and then told what to build. ??? We moved on because we can.

Lil'Bug kept trying to play with them, to no avail. They would ignore her or make comments about not playing with babies. It was just so different from our experiences with the large, multi age, park day group we are used to. It was two different end of the school "socialization" spectrum that I find unacceptable: frantic chaos with no respect for others and the authoritarian hand preventing meaningful interaction. There is a middle ground.

2) While waiting for Polar Express in the Imax to begin seating we were witness to the other half of these beleaguered children's field trip. Three teachers stormed out of the IMAX: The Human Body. They were flushed, angry, and hysterical. "The movie was inappropriate for 7 year olds!" They hiss at the doorman and food concessions clerk, "We'll have to send notes home! The kids will be scarred! How can this be for children?! How embarrassing! I was embarrassed!"

Um, Lil'Bug and I saw the movie in November, twice. She's three. The movie is just fine. I racked my brain over what could have upset them so much? The shaving cut? The x-ray skeletons showing the motion of bones in crawling toddlers? Maybe the part about the pregnant aunt and the very non-graphic, yet, natural birth scene? LilBug's reaction was simply that the "mom" didn't chew her food very well. Since when are the normal functions of the human body embarrassing? It's not like they showed anyone naked (oh, maybe the newborn baby for a micro bit) and even if they had it was an IMAX documentary about the human body for goodness sake.

Ironic, while they raised fuss in the lobby, the 100+ kids were still watching the movie- in fact they finished it. Heh.

And I sat there observing this lobby show, not knowing what to say to Lil'Bug's loud questions about the situation. I tried to quietly explain, but Lil'Bug just got louder. Finally we got to find seats for our show. Which is also totally appropriate for children. :)

The school group BTW is from the local district that Lil'Bug would go to. Yike. It is experiences and such like this that remind me why I am blessed to live the life we do. Am I judging? Yup. Maybe I am simply choosing something different for us and using this judgment of the other as wrong for us, but I fail to see how what I saw today is good for the children involved either.

Updating my blogroll.......

I am working to update my blogroll. I read so many blogs everyday that I am struggling with who to list! I always list bloggers who have me listed but I have just found a few that I didn't know about (by looking at my stat counter recent came from feature). I know I am missing some. Please comment here if I've missed you.

I have added to my rolls a few (new) familes that really got me thinking lately about food, motherhood, people, religion, etc. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have lately. :)

Also, I didn't miss yesterday, I just forgot to hit publish on this one and the other was too angry. I will get that one worked on and send it into the world tonight.