Taking Myself Seriously

When I started reviving my wild mind, listening to the writer's voice again, and taking up the pen.....I was unsure. I still am. I am falling in love with word craft again. I know much more about love than I did 20 years ago though, and this time around I know that love is hard work and not all intuition and applause. So I set to work to learn this skill again.

I surprised myself. I was startled at how much of the vocabulary of poetry I actually remember. I was reminded of the parts I never understood and took to puzzling it out this time around instead of haughtily moving on, nose upturned.

I set a schedule. I stuck to it.

Then, I let go. I let other people read my work instead of hiding it.

At some point I was researching something for the farm, we raise Ossabaw Island hogs, and I came upon a website for the Ossabaw Island Writer's Retreat. Ah, that looks neat, I said. Aw, it is also way expensive and 2,000 miles away. I clicked the page closed and moved on.

A couple days later my father in law sent me the link to it. Again, I sighed heavily and closed the email.

A week later or so my dear husband Chad brought it up over dinner. Why this retreat? There are others close by! At better times of the year!

A conversation with a friend led me to the realisation that the piece I am missing to publishing is networking, is knowing people who publish, is being out there with published folks. I brought it up with Chad and he reminded me of the retreat again. I set aside money to travel later in the year, had almost reached my goal....why not use it for this instead?

No.

I went to bed grumpy.

I woke up thinking of an island off the coast of Georgia.

I brought it up with Chad again, we looked up travel cost. Well, that nixed it. Travel there was WAY expensive. Train, plane, rental car....all of it too expensive. So I lamented to a friend and she said, MEGABUS.

Wait, what is that? 5$ to Chicago from here is what that is. Another friend said once I get to Georgia she will drive me to the ferry (4 hours from her house!).

So.....I applied. I sent in the best work I had as an example for the application. I waited.

I waited. Waited. Days and days of waiting. I hate waiting.

Today, friends, I got the notification that I was accepted.

I nearly shook with fear. Yes, fear! To do this I have to ride a bus for 36 hours over the whole of the United States and take myself seriously as a writer.

The bus ride is easy compared to that last part.

Easy Broccoli Skillet With Other Veggies and Sausage

A simple skillet meal of red bell, broccoli, mushrooms, onions,  butter, a squirt of lemon juice, and salt. High heat, stir a lot to keep from burning. Delicious. I served it with a side of sausage links. 10 minutes of prep and cook combined.

Did I mention easy? And fast? Oh yeah......

Touchy Subject of Touch

I do not make my children hug or kiss people they don't want to. I don't make them hug their friends after a fight to make up. I don't make them accept it when other people want to hug them. I early on taught them to say, "This is my body. I don't want to be touched/tickled/picked up."

They are the sentient occupants inside that mammalian machine we call a body, they are the owners of their flesh. Just as I don't like unwanted touch, even affectionate touch, especially affectionate touch sometimes, I don't expect them to allow it when they don't want it either.

It is called consent. This is how we teach it. This is how we model it.

Sometimes I have to walk the walk and that means when an adult thrusts a toddler at me for a hug and that toddler does not know me.....I have to step back. I always explain that I am a stranger to that child and forcing affection from a stranger is not acceptable. It is dangerous.

Wait, what if you are a relative? No. That part does not matter. In fact, it may even matter more. The majority of abuse and sexual abuse is committed by adults related or known to the child! Being related by family does not entitle affection. Teaching children that it is? Oh, that is so scary. If I am a stranger to that child, I keep my distance. If the child offers me affection while I am still a stranger? I gently redirect and look them in the eye and remind them that I am a stranger.

You see, it is also my body. I get to choose when I am touched too. People I don't know touching me does not feel good to me, even handshakes between strangers makes me uncomfortable though I see it as a necessity of fitting in to our community. Touch can be healing but it can also be destructive and invasive.

When a child says no, let's all respect that. As a community, let us also take a minute to think about how we touch others and what kind of lesson we are teaching our babies.

I am also going to make the jump here into discipline. When a child is struck with a hand or object (spanking) that is also an unwanted touch. When a loved one does it? Is that the message we want them to learn? That violence from someone who loves you is acceptable? That they have no say over their body at that moment, and it is because they have done wrong and you love them? No. No.

No.

NO.

Touch should be loving. Touch should be welcome. Touch should be from people they trust and know.

So, when my relatives went all a flutter because I stepped back from a toddler niece who I have only seen maybe 5 times in her life and four of those times were when she was a newborn, and she was not asking for affection on her own but being ordered to and physically picked up and thrust at me for a hug? This is why I stepped back. I said at the time, I am a stranger to her at her mother's choice. Let's all respect that choice and not teach her she has to give affection to strangers.

There is a history of sexual molestation and violence in our family. I am not about to take part in a cultural norm that grooms children to give affection to people they don't know or to trust people just because they are related to them.

I will not back down from this. I will not shut up about it either. Respect our children's bodies and minds and let them choose who they give affection to AND model for them appropriate affection.

What? You thought the feminism label on the blog was the silent undertone? Hardly. I am the mother of two bright and beautiful girls and a lovely boy. Consent is one of the most valuable lessons there is. Hug your children today, give them a million kisses, tickle them until they can't stand it.....but when they say, enough, no, stop!......listen and let go. When they hesitate to hug an aunt they have never met, don't force them to. When they act or even say they are uncomfortable around a certain cousin, let them follow their gut and keep their distance. Do not let people who are known child abusers babysit just because they will do it for free.

Let us do better by our children and really teach them consent.

Taking The Kids Out to Eat

As part of teaching my children to be well adjusted and polite members of our community, we eat out once a week. Usually on grocery day, but instead today was just a treat for working so hard on the farm this morning. Chad was gone and we had to do all of his morning farm chores. This required all three children to do extra work and cooperate. It also meant that I didn't have time to cook lunch. We came under budget on our weekly shopping, so I felt I could justify the $15 for all of us to eat lunch. It was lovely!

Couple things we do: we bring crayons and doodle mats if we know the place won't have them. This one did. We play tic tac toe, name three things, and free draw. I usually have to remind them of their manners if they get squirrely. The thing adults often forget about children? They actually do not want to embarrass anyone or themselves, they want to be civil, but they don;t know all the rules yet and even if you have told them a million times, they are kids and may not remember. I gently remind, usually Holly, that even though she is excited...she needs to sit and eat because we have a limited amount of time. The booth next to us may well want to see her song and dance she just made up. Don't assume they don't. Still, time is in short supply and food is yummy.

I keep my calm. I redirect. I model for them saying please and thank you but I do not force them to. They see me and they follow that lead.

We practise at times that are not busy so that when we ever end up somewhere more formal or more chaotic, they have practised and know what to expect. I need that as an adult, why wouldn't a child also need that?

I often hear folks online complain about kids in eateries or other public spaces. Not all kids are like the crazy explosion of childhood described. Even so, that parent probably really needs a break from cooking food and cleaning up, so just be graceful and continue on, ok?

Today, this was our lunch. We played games, talked about fancy lettering and scripts, played name three things that are onomatopoeia, and then talked about what kinds of meals they would like Chad to feed them on nights I am not home. Not tacos, they said. They want lasagna, fried eggs, and cheese noodles only. As an afterthought, pizza. Eggs reminded them that we are out, so we called our local egg friend and picked up 10 dozen. We eat a lot of eggs. One dozen will be just one breakfast alone. We did some math with how much money we had and her two types of eggs and prices......pullets are less expensive but smaller vs regular eggs at full price. So a wee bit of math. We ended up with all pullets! 10 dozen! Lily estimated that it would be the better egg for dollar option and.....she was right!

So that was our lunch out. Isaac only ran from the table once and Lily caught him and redirected while I was putting on my coat. He's three. It happens.

One more thing, Holly looks sad in this picture. I had no idea until I uploaded them! She was all smiles and I didn't expect such a somber look from my sunshine girl.