Two things have made these thoughts I am about to share swirl around my noggin lately. The first is that more than five couples from my friend group in the "big city" are divorcing or discussing a split. They all have kids. They all have been married more than 5 years. The second is something we discussed at church a while back, the act of serving your spouse, actively trying to meet their needs, changes the dynamic of the relationship.
So for our 15th wedding anniversary I thought I'd put this out here for thought. Wesley, the farm boy, did small tasks at Buttercup's request to slowly show her his love. It worked for him. Eventually she got the message. Not everyone gets subtle hints, but, actions do speak loudly.
Chad doesn't get hints either. His brain does not work like that. I have to say, I have this or that need. Sometimes I have to also tell him quite plainly how I need that need met. Like, "Hey honey, I am really overwhelmed with the laundry pile. It would really help me feel better if I could get that chaotic pile out of my bedroom........COULD/WILL YOU HELP ME SORT AND FOLD?" I don't actually yell, but I have to be pretty clear. If I just stomped in there and started slamming drawers and doing the task, shouting out one liners, he wouldn't get it. Or he would, but would be so irritated about my passive aggressive actions that he'd head outside to do some random farm chore. It also wouldn't work to just tell him to do it. We're grown ups. Trust me, all of the scenarios have played out here. What I learned? The laundry doesn't matter all that much.
What I have also learned is that the more unpleasant I am, cranky, moody, angry, ect.......the more time he spends outside doing heavy labour and the less time I see him or get him to help with the kids or the house tasks. Which makes me more cranky and continues the cycle.
A couple years ago a friend of mine split with her husband, started divorce proceedings, and then had an epiphany: he wasn't coming home because home was a crappy, unhappy, miserable place to be. She was at the heart of that home. So she put huge amounts of effort into becoming an interesting person, creating a loving environment, and respecting him inside that space. Home as a refuge, as a comfort, a safe zone. At the time, I thought she was crazy. He was a cheating scum bag, in my opinion and she was not to blame for his actions. Though, even if those sentiments were true, years later they are still together and.....happy? I don't know. The more effort she put into making her home a respectful, joyful sanctuary...the more it became that for her too. Slowly he started to reciprocate and so did her sons, she told me.
I took that observation to my own home. My husband is a pretty great guy actually. Sometimes though, we are all miserable and being around each other is not pleasant.The kids behaviour reflects that, the house starts to accumulate mess, and in general everything starts to fall apart. To pull out of this nosedive, I work backwards. I have a cup of tea, and tackle the kitchen. I make a nice meal. I tidy up. I do some specific thing that makes Chad's life easier, like washing and sorting his socks. Something that doesn't take a lot of time but is still nice. I get the kids dressed up and happy. It makes a difference. Then when he gets home, I try really hard to not talk about all the things that I am stressed out about. I mean, he knows already. Then the next day, I do this again. Often, our nutrition needs to be righted. We're not getting enough good sleep. That's not something wrong with "us". Sometimes the stressor is something we need to tackle as a team. Regrouping helps.
When my life starts to feel overwhelming, I know that my whole family is suffering. I know that whatever stressor is causing me to be upset is likely upsetting everyone. Most of the time it is something that is beyond our control, so I ask myself, how can I better serve them to get THEM through this tough time? Only when I do that, do I pull us up. Sure, locking myself in the bathroom with a quart of Java Chip helps the morning get by, and sometimes is just part of the solution, but long term.....it doesn't put food on the table.
Put food on the table....that's another good metaphor actually. Chad works hard to harvest the food and I attend the hearth. This partnership gets the food on the table. We've chosen our roles, sometimes switch it up, and sometimes we still head to town for pizza. Marriage is like that too. We take our talents, work hard, and bring who we are to the table.When we got married, our vows included a pledge to support and nourish each others' talents and gifts, the gifts given to us as individuals by God. This means right now that I make time for writing and that Chad explores farming, tractoring, and firewood chopping....just kidding. Sort of. Chad solves problems. He's good at it.So today, I celebrate 15 years of working at this. I am so blessed to have Chad as my partner, raising our children and growing our farm. I hope he feels the same about me!
I look at him, tucking a sleeping baby Isaac into bed or reading to Holly or the sparkle in his eyes as Lily puzzles out the words mystical and mountain all on her own, the pride he has in our farm, or doing the dishes after having spent 4 hours in the dark, freezing rain taking care of livestock....and I think, I am so blessed.
Happy anniversary Chad. Love you.
