I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

The past few years I have picked a word to theme my year, to write at the top of the page, to start the day.

I think my word for 2014 may be..... Sabotage. I know it isn't the super inspirational, joyful, high energy words everyone else is making theirs.....but last night I listed out all the ways I self sabotage my own creative process and projects. I need to be reminded that around every corner I have laid a booby trap for my own failure, that it is like the Temple of Doom in my own head! 

Previous years words: Grateful, Thrive, Release, and Breathe

Nothing like that speaks to me.

A recent discussion with my friend Jen about inspiration and creating art, got me thinking. I am afraid of my own dark thoughts. I am afraid what people with think of the creative force inside me. I am afraid that they will be horrified. Really? No. I am the one who is afraid, terrified, paralysed with this fear.

I just turned on Beastie Boys Pandora and first song up? Sabotage. It's a sign.

"I can't stand it I know you planned it
I'm gonna set it straight, this watergate
I can't stand rocking when I'm in here
Because your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my, it's a mirage
I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage

So listen up 'cause you can't say nothin'
You'll shut me down with a push of your button?
But yo I'm out and I'm gone
I'll tell you now I keep it on and on

'cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet so don't you get souped yet
You're scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm trying to tell you now it's sabotage" -Beastie Boys

I started the self study I mentioned in the Derailed post. It was thrilling and exciting to realise that I DO in fact know the technical vocabulary of poetry. I DO know these concepts. I remember learning them in my very first writing class. How could I have talked myself into thinking that I didn't? I know this like breathing. I know it in my bones. It flows through me with every heart beat. I got so excited. I started to think.....maybe I don't need to do this study?

Um, sabotage.

I DO need this. I need to work through it slow, go one unit at a time, savour it and do the work. To rush it, to decide that I already know it and I don't need it is my youthful ego sabotaging my efforts....again. A good description of this is two little trolls on my shoulders, one saying, "Danelle, you are a total phony, they will find you out, they will know that you can't do the things that your degree says, they will KNOW." The other saying, "Who cares! You are SO good, a genius, a prodigy, you don't need this bullshit, stop wasting your time with this! You are so unbearably superior, don't even worry about doing the work! It will be much more fun to watch Dexter on Netflix, come on......open the Netflix browser......"

They both hate me.

This is why I fail. My internal narrative is constantly doing this to me. I need to make friends with these gnarly dudes, feed them some of my peach pie and get them on my side. I will be queen of this swamp and honey will have to work. Otherwise, I have a big stick.

So then this whisper of a voice told me that I couldn't use this as my word. It is too dark, to menacing, too much. I needed  to use something else, something happy.

No. Not this time. No mirages, no hallmark dainty thing that will satisfy my sweet side. Not everything is lightness and maple syrup. I have a full range of feelings and even some darkness. It is time to face that and get to work.

What's your word? Do you ever talk yourself down from your own potential and creativity?

2014 Day 2: Struggles Mighty

I love the idea of resolutions. I love the idea of the hope and cheer and confidence that people have when they proclaim them. I often try too, and fail. Things like this do not work for me. My friend Natalie says that attaching the label of resolution to an important goal is like setting a laser beam on destruction and ruining it from day one....or something like that. Goodness, I do understand that.

I also understand the need to have a fresh start, a clean plate, a newly washed slate. For me it is like getting a new notebook and beginning something exciting. Just like that though, staring at the blank page can bring on panic and induce anxiety= writer's block!

Isaac and farming have both taught me that goals are attainable and that progress measured in inches is still progress. If I don't make a list, create a plan, then I have no map. Sometimes that is fun, other times it leaves me lost and frightened and the sun sets on opportunities I miss out for not being where I need to be on time.

Here are my goals for 2014, the things I would like to do.

1. Travel for a week on my own or with friends, to Europe I hope (travel fund is growing, goal is almost met). 
2. Get those things out of the draft drawer of doom and out into the world. See what happens.
3. Write 5 new poems a week. They will be terrible, but practise is something I desperately need to get my feet under me. 10 years without poetry has been hard on me.
4. Read more for fun.
5. Learn to cook these things: roasting garlic in the oven, flan, and chocolate peanut butter cups. 
6. Connect more with my friends, face to face. Nourish those friendships.
7. Can enough salsa (learn how to use pressure canner without (unreasonable) fear). Enough is 100 pints or 50 quarts. Less if it isn't as tasty as store bought.
8. Meet all the neighbours on our road. Schedule play dates with folks who have kids my kids ages.
9. Plan a trip to see someone I love dearly who lives where it is warm.
10. Connect more with people who publish.
11. Row in the flat bottom boat once a week in good weather, while Lily fishes.
12. Blog once a day, no matter what.
13. Mail out 60 pieces. 60. That's a lot. 5 per month isn't a lot though, that is doable.
14. Keep my hair dyed red or purple. I like how I look with bright hair. 

That's my list. That is what I will keep to. Our goal for the farm is a separate list, the homeschooling goals are too. Chad and I plan to finish the cook book together and publish it as an E-book.

What lovely things are you dreaming of friends?

2014 Day One

Baked 7 pies. Made black eyed peas and hamhocks with greens. Kept the kitchen clean even though I made 7 pies. Coresponded with two Spring term students. Played legos. Encouraged a friend. Ate nearly a bag of kettle chips without sharing.

I took a lot of photographs, found time to sit down and blog.....missing my cord to transfer said photos to blogger.

So, instead of that here is a picture of pie.

This week I will finally post my recipe for peach pie. That was a long time coming, eh?

Best of 2013 Part 2: Oh My, the Deliciousness.....

Oh My, the Deliciousness.....  Until 2013, I never considered myself a food blogger. Early in the year a woman from a different part of Iowa emailed me and asked me to be part of a food blogger gathering. I was panicked as I agreed to be on this list and part of the gathering. Other bloggers on the list were folks I read weekly and admire, some have published cookbooks! No way was I good enough to be included. I felt like a big faker, but I went to Iowa City anyway. I was not sorry and I learned that we are all on different journeys and certainly different stages of growth. I am blessed to be included in such a fantastic and generous group of bloggers.

It has been good for me to view my blog through the lens of food blogger too. I created the Farmhouse Kitchen tab and I am working on making food posts Pinable and printable.

The following posts are not necessarily the top ranked by views, they are simply my own favourite posts. For some I loved the pictures, others have a new place on our table, and the rest are family farmhouse classics.

Dirty Wild Rice Dressing   

This recipe was created by accident. We needed to sell more sausage at Sample Sundays and folks kept asking us for recipe ideas. I had previously failed at making Dirty Rice, even out of a box. I sat down with about 20 recipes and compared them. I compiled a list of ingredients that I wanted to use. 2 hours before getting on the road for Sample Sunday, I pulled out those ingredients and started cooking. While the rice was simmering, I packed kits so customers could make this at home (still hoping it would work.....)

We sell out the kits every single time. It is so simple and so very good.

Alligator Soup 

This recipe was Lily's idea for her birthday. Hyvee had alligator in the freezer section. I do not approve of the confinement farming used to raise the alligator, so it is not something we will make often, but there is a seriously lack of alligator recipes online that are not breaded and deep fried! The complex flavour is lost in the hot oil, this soup is way better.

Banana Spice Oatmeal 

Holly had a hand in the kitchen when we made breakfast this day. Bananas are yellow, if you know Holly, you know that is all they have to be! 

Super Hero Soup (Hamhock and Beans in a French Pot) 

Another Sample Sunday kit in the making. Good grief I love this red pot. My kids love this soup best of all. 

Ribs and African Peanut Sauce  

A favourite of Chad's. This recipe is like the one he used originally to get me to eat pork ribs for the first time. I was hesitant because at that point in my life, I would not eat any meat with bones. (Nope, only blenderized meat mush made into patties for me! Oh my yuck.) However, I was pregnant with Holly and hungry. This recipe evolved from that.

Grilled Farmhand Sticks  

A summer favourite when we are super busy and need to eat on the chore run.

Red Chicken in a French Pot   

A farmhouse classic. This recipe is easy and nourishing.

And the best for last? Yes, please!

Iced Coffee and Maple Syrup   

This.  If you have never tried real maple syrup in your coffee before...do it. You will not be sorry. No, you will thank me and share this recipe with all your friends. This is the iced version. The hot version is: 1 3/4 cup of hot coffee, 1/4 cup of 1/2 and 1/2 or whole real cream (up to you) and 2 T of real maple syrup. Your welcome.
 

Friends, again I thank you for all your support and kind works of encouragement. I look forward to 2014 and all the amazing food that I get to cook and share!