Self Portrait Challenge and the Superhero Ideal

My days go by so fast they are a blur.

Random thoughts, written out. A self portrait challenge.

I don't like to ask for help and I don't like people to offer. I like the satisfaction of painting a room and finishing it and basking in the hard work of it all. I like that. It isn't always possible and I end up with help most of the time anyway.

 On one hand I have a great support group, those who have encouraged us and me to take on this lifestyle cold turkey and jump in feet first. It's been hard work, a steep learning curve, and a lot of heartbreak. Then out of the blue someone will say something like, "I was afraid you'd learn that lesson...." and do so in a way that very clearly communicates their patronizing pity. The kind of attitude that pulls the rug out of under your feet, just when you are wobbly standing anyway. The kind that says, "I was expecting you to fail and you did, ha."

The reason is that I hear that all the time...still. From the fellow pig farmer at the vet (my peer, that's right, I am a pig farmer too.), from other farm wives in town, from family members. I don't seem to have the strength or know how to them.

I do. I surprise myself everyday. I am strong enough. I might in fact, know more than the average farmhand that's been doing this for more years. I can hold a dying 200 lb animal in my very capable arms and bottle feed him water when we have no idea what's killing him. I can rock my daughter to sleep when she has nightmares about giant bugs eating her or roosters attacking the house. I can round up loose pigs with a smile and a whistle while grown men are swearing and stomping their tempers up (not that anyone here does that....). I can manage an emergency with a level head. I can put out fires. I can start fires. I CAN and I do, near daily, what needs to be done.

I cook on this. It isn't easy.

Why do people feel the need to treat others this way, especially others who aspire to be part of the "club"?   I find myself more and more walking away from people like this and tending to the branches and flowers that are supportive and nurturing friends.

And I have plenty of those.

And that is the kind of friend I want to be.

Just last week I dared say that farm life is hard. Out loud. In public. You know what? It is.

It is not all romance and daisies. Sometimes it stinks. Sometimes I get stuck in the mud and wish I had my cozy urban garden back or that I was just homesteading for our family needs instead of raising food for 60 other families too. (How cool is it that we have 60 families that buy meat from us! Very.) There are days that I want my husband to come in and read to the kids or play with them or help them with anything at all so I can make dinner or tidy up- but he's still outside moving feed, or hauling water, or chopping wood. We can't go into Des Moines together for dinner as a family because then we'd either be out too late or we'd miss locking up the sheep and coyotes would hurt and or kill them. That limits what we can do at the holidays when family cannot come to us.

There are days when the only thing that grounds me is heading outside alone at night just to stand under the open star filled sky and pray my gratitude to the heavens....in silence. In stillness. Under a universe so big that my problems and worries and aches are so small that statistically they don't even exist.

And those days are the days that I especially don't need deflating, pretentious, condescending comments about how if God wanted me to be successful on the farm he would bless me with an easy time. I don't need comments that farming is a natural extension of home keeping (because that's a load of naive crap). And I don't need anyone saying they, "know so and so who does twice as much and sleeps soundly at night happy to work hard, you should too and would if you had a grateful heart."

What I need is a nice cup of tea and a hot bath to wash the "mud" out of my hair and friends who do not emotionally sabotage me. All of which I have, thank you very much.

What does any of this have to do with being a super hero? Super heroes all have their weakness, their secret thing that can hurt them. I do too. I put my heart out there. I sometimes say what is on my mind without considering if it is kind first. I have only a few friends that take me for who I am, but know a whole lot of people who I have to walk barefoot on eggshells with.

I'm not saying this to get pity. What I am saying is that I aspire to be the mentor that others have been to me. I am saying that if you find yourself making passive aggressive subtle comments on a fb thread or in conversation, stop a minute and think about the hurt you might be causing someone. Do you really want to be the person who cause that kind of hurt? I don't. I caught myself typing a very clever response with some very subtle mean things very much directed at someone and stopped myself. I shut my computer and walked away. That's not me. That's not who I am. What you think shapes your actions, it is too easy to type it all out and feel clever only to to do the kind of harm that haunts you later.

So I thought I might list out the things I want to aspire to be, as a friend:

I want honesty, so I am honest.
I want kindness, so I will look for the kind way to do things or say things.
If I am doing something harmful to myself, I want my friends to tell me what they think.
I want friends who can accept me for who I am even when I am having a bad day.
I don't want to drop someone, just because they are struggling.
When things get broken or lost, I will not get angry and throw blame. I will pick up the pieces and be the one who scoops up the lost and weary.
I will encourage the gifts of others. I will smile at their success.
I will listen.
I will not try and solve problems. I will listen. I will help when needed.
I will not be passive aggressive.

I will shine. I will farm. I will love with all my broken heart. I will write. I will play. I will love.

I will fail. I will forgive myself and move on.

I will remember this every time I stand under that great big star filled sky, the heaven that has not changed in my lifetime, and I will be thankful for every sore muscle, every pain, every smile, kind word, blessing, and heart ache. For every milestone that we have earned and for those that just plopped in the road for us to get around.

I will not be afraid of what I see in the mirror. I will take pictures of myself, with my kids, of my kids, I will document our human experience.

That is my self portrait. 

Biscuits

Biscuits are easy:

Tell husband to go to the store and buy the pop can flaky homestyle kind.

Ha.

Seriously though, I don't actually make everything from scratch even though I can. Sometimes rolling out biscuits is just too much, too much time, too much mess, whatever. I grow and make enough of my own food that sometimes I get tired and take short cuts. I have stopped feeling ashamed of this, sometimes I also get coffee and pizza at the gas station (here in Iowa, that is actually some of the best pizza around!).

I do make biscuits though sometimes and they are good! Here is the recipe I use, from a book called "A Skillet Full- Lodge Cast Iron Recipes":

2 cups flour
2 t baking powder
1 t kosher salt
3 T lard and butter (2 T lard, 1 T butter or adjust how you like)
3/4 to 1 cup of WHOLE milk (don't cheat)

mix dry ingredients together
cut in fat either with a fork, a pastry cutter, or a food processor
when that mixture is "sandy" add milk until it is doughy, mix in with spoon
put on to a floured surface and roll out 3/4 inch thick

I use a cookie cutter or a mason jar to cut out shapes.

Bake at 450 degrees for about 15 minutes. Sometimes they take less time, sometimes more, just peek at them and when they are browning they are done.

My secret ingredient that is totally optional and not from the book? a 1/4 teaspoon of ground lemon peel. It really reacts to the baking powder and fluffs these puppies up.

Gravy, it is all about the gravy.

I decided to split up my post about biscuits and gravy into two posts because gravy has earned its very own place in my kitchen.

Gravy is easy.

No. Really it is.

Oh, I know those of you unbelievers are shaking your heads now and thinking about just grabbing a jar or packet of gravy from the grocer.

Don't.

Gravy is just a roux base. I know, the term roux is fancy sounding and scary.

So, to start, the gravy I make for chicken fried steak is the same sausage gravy I use for biscuits and gravy. The exact same.

1 lb ground sausage
1  Portabella mushroom
2 T butter
2 T flour
1 cup chicken broth/stock
1 cup milk
2 T sour cream
1 T seasoned salt w pinch of cayenne

Start with a good ground sausage. Pastured pigs make the best sausage. I have used green onion, breakfast, or Italian sausage- they all work. I like the breakfast blend the best though. Fry it up brown. When it is half done, add chopped mushrooms. Brown until cooked and crumbly. Add butter. Once the butter melts add the flour and sprinkle it all over everything. Stir fast. Be ready with the broth. Once all the flour is wet with the grease and butter, add the chicken broth and stir furiously. It will thicken quick, add the milk when it thickens, stir furiously and turn the heat to low/medium. Add the sour cream and seasoning to taste. Turn the heat off entirely once it is as thick as you like.

See? Easy.

When making a chicken gravy, start with melted butter, add flour and stir until all the flour is wet, add 2 cups of broth and stir until it is as thick as you like. Season.

When making Alfredo type sauce: melt butter, add flour and stir until flour is wet, add 2 cups of milk and stir until it is as thick as you like, add 1 cup of cheese of your choice, gently stir off heat until cheese is melted, season. I like Asiago and Parmesan (Not the green can kind though, the real hard grate yourself kind, because I am a cheese snob. The green can stuff technically will work.)

Beef, lamb, chicken drippings, ect- all follow the same equation. Melted fat, add flour, add liquid of  your choice, stir furiously until thick and gravy.

A brief interlude, grief and support and random thoughts

What I am writing as our 22q story is only our own experience.

The reality is that some 22q11 deletion children die. They catch something that their immune systems cannot handle. Their fragile hearts give out. A mistake is made at a hospital and a crucial medication is overlooked.

We are blessed that none of these things are reality for us right now. That is not part of our story. I don't know what it is like to sit next to a breathing machine. I don't know what it is like to hear a crash cart called for my baby. I simply don't know.

This last year a 22q child that was very much a part of our community died because of complications, hospital error, and lack of communication between specialists. The heartbreak has been felt like a tidal wave through our community. That family lives one of my worst fears.

It is not that I don't trust doctors, I just know that when things get as complicated as they can be, things can easily go wrong. I know that the most medically invasive options is not always the best. I will not get sucked into trusting someone just because of letters that follow their name, they have to earn that trust. They HAVE to work for that trust.

When Isaac was first diagnosed my first impulse was to call the three mums I knew that had special needs children. S., H., and L. were so amazingly supportive. H. and I had long phone calls and visits where I cried. S. gave me tips about doctors. L. invited me to the Down's Syndrome group.

Wait. What?

So many times in the 22q community families are referred to the Downs Syndrome support networks. So many times it becomes a hot button. My kid does not have THAT. The reality is that children with physical markers of their genetic promise are discriminated against, publicly singled out, and mocked. We don't want that for our children. We put distance between that and our family. The reality is also that folks with typical children are putting that same distance between our children and theirs for the exact same reason. 

Downs Syndrome and 22q11 deletion syndrome have LOADS in common. Hypotonia, heart issues, immune dysfunction, motor skill delay, speech issues, OT, PT, ST, IEP's, specialists, therapies, othering, discrimination, family tension, hearing issues....this list of things in common are more extensive than we realize. Chromosomal anomalies have issues in common globally. The reality is that it makes sense to connect our families and our children and support each other.

Once the initial shock wears off, consider it. I am grateful that I did so quickly because these families are still a HUGE part of our support network. It is good to have real life people that you can cry with and to, outside your own family.