An interesting discussion online this week, to sum up: bashing your husband to friends, just part of female bonding or detrimental to marriage and self?
What about bashing your husband in public? Like on a blog or a facebook post? Let's go a step further, what about bashing your sister or other friends or other extended family?
Bashing. Trashing. Talking about everything they do that annoys you. Sure it's good to just get it out sometimes and just plain wonderful to have a sympathetic ear. Maybe they are legitimate concerns over problem behaviours and you are seeking counsel with friends. Talking things out is how we find solutions, right?
Or is it? I've been thinking lately that maybe this talk solidifies feelings, reinforces them, and when done publicly damages relationships a lot. Does it qualify as gossip? Maybe not. Honesty? Perhaps. But what counts is not even the intention, but the effect it has on people and relationships that matter to us.
My husband knew I was struggling with some work related technical problems. He fixes work related technical problems for a living. He tried to help. I got annoyed and posted a FB update about a vague someone not helping. Well, that hurt Chad's feelings. HE knew it was about him and he was really trying to help me. Later we talked about it and I still feel awful. That was very public and not very nice.
Lately, and especially as winter approaches and "honey-do" lists get longer and longer, I have been reading a lot of very public statements from women bashing their husbands. So I got to thinking about this, what if MY husband presented me with a list of things around the house he wanted done and a deadline to do them. How would I feel? What if he suddenly decided that this holiday should be spent reorganizing the kitchen cabinets and deep cleaning the floors? What if I had plans to just take a break and relax instead of working myself to the bone? What if he decided that I was to be assigned these tasks while he worked on something else?
Yeah, I would not be happy. I would happily help if that's what he wanted to do, but if just presented with a list? So how fair is it to do this to our husbands? Women do this all the time to their significant others and get bent out of shape when things don't go as THEY planned.
One thing the farm has really driven home to me is that my husband prioritizes very well. I can complain and nag or use hysterics to move an item up the priority list, or even just make it clear that it is important to me and it does make a difference BUT the priority items still get done first. Sometimes I do not agree, and he listens, but in the end he's usually right. So I may want the tomato bed weeded, or the foundation fixed, or a flower bed mulched, but the car repairs and livestock come first. The foundation is next on the list. Firewood will either happen before first snow or he'll be out there all bundled up, but I will always have the firewood and heat I need. I trust him to do that. He's not lazy and it will not be me out there chopping wood in labour pains. And if he needs a weekend off, so be it. Sometimes I do too and I can't expect him to be supportive of that if I give him a hard time when he expresses his need for downtime.
And you know? We also have a rule here. If it bugs you, take care of it. Less energy expended getting all riled up about it, no one gets nagged at, and the thing gets done. It's also ok to ask for help. It is
not ok to just tell someone to do it or be mean about it. Yes, that happens and we are not perfect, but happiness is something to work at and awareness of things that are problematic are the first step in making it better. Often, by just talking about, explaining why certain things are more important than others, the issues are resolved and mutual respect is reinforced.
I wonder if women know what they are doing to their marriages or if this behaviour is encouraged and escalated by the small group chatter? And its not just limited to marriages, but friendships and sisterhood too. Instead of holding each other up, we repeat the patterns of adolescence and exclude, form cliques, and gossip. We model that behaviour to our children and then they do it; the cycle becomes normal. If someone speaks out about it, they get excluded. It's easier that way and next time it will be harder to speak up.
What would happen if for even just a week we said nothing but praise about our family and friends? I've done this before, try to do it as a regular part of my life, and it is really hard, harder than I'd imagined it to be but well worth the uplift it gives me personally. I notice the difference when I slip and start being negative. I don't mean being all Pollyanna all the time either, just a mindful loving.
So that is my reflection for the week.
Mother, wife, sister, friend. This is our second year on the farm, a dream we've had since we were first married. We unschool, AP parent, and grow our own food (or try to).
