So we had an OB appointment today. I was experiencing heat flashes and moodiness, but my blood pressure is fine. Totally normal. I gained 4 lbs this month. Next month we'll test for diabetes but I have none of the other signs so I'm not worried about that. I have the orange goo to drink, and balked that it is made out of highly concentrated corn syrup. But it is what it is.
And......the baby is a boy! The doctor is 80% sure since only part of the proof was visible (the umbilical cord was also between the baby's legs. That's a pretty confident guess though.
We are still playing baby name chicken for a boy name though. Our girl name was settled, Willow Rose. But for a boy name? Yeah, I got sick of all my ideas getting rejected by the girls (who want to name the baby Harry Potter) and Chad who doesn't have a choice yet either. So I threw out
THE Zaphod Beeblebrox. And he accepted?! Thus begins an official challenge, baby name chicken. Heh. Poor little Zaphod.....
Personally I think the baby rather resembles the Galactic President. Also the only man to ever survive the Total Perspective Vortex. How's that for a legacy?
In my other thoughts about motherhood......
It is not the heat that is bothering me. I love the heat and humidity, which must be the Cajun in me. No, it is not that. I am really feeling the need for coffee lately because I am not getting enough sleep. I need to stay up late to finish my online (yet full time) job after the girls go to sleep and sometimes that means midnight, and it takes me a while to wind down and fall asleep. Yet, the girls still get up between 5AM and 7AM depending on how loud Chad is when he's getting ready for work. They don't take naps and if they do by chance then they don't fall asleep until midnight either.
Usually coffee would make up the difference. And the baby I am growing is taking a lot of the energy I used to have.
I feel like a failure. I am just treading water most of the time trying to get farm things done, spend time with my kids, and keep house. Sometimes things get away from me and pile up. Sometimes I get help with those things. But that just makes me feel like more of a failure.
I realized that I am holding myself to a standard that is impossible. Most of my friends don't work full time. They stay home with their kids, keep house and garden, and some even run a farm too. The ones who do work full time don't do all of those other things or don't have small children.
Sometimes I want to scream that I can't do all of this! I get comments all the time about how people just don't know how I do it all. Honestly I don't. Or the stuff I do accomplish doesn't take much effort (like bone broth or cheese or baking bread). My to do lists are not my done lists. Those are much shorter.
I prioritize my children. They have clean clothes and healthy food. They have a mama who plays with them and reads to them everyday, takes them to park day once a week. Our livestock always has clean food and water (which is a joint effort). Sometimes the housework (rather the clutter issue) slides. Sometimes I get behind on grading. Sometimes I don't get to sit down and sew a skirt that I want to. My garden is weedier than it should be. Yet I continue to beat myself up for failing at this whole stay at home with kids thing. I'm not failing. We are all thriving.
Fall semester we are expecting a baby and I am working the equivalent of double full time at my job. More than the course load of a full timer. I can do that. We need me to do that to make it through winter since we still have not sold the Des Moines house. I am worried if I can do everything else though.
And then I came to the realization that what the root of the problem is. I keep comparing myself. Life is not a competition. I am all fumble fingers at knitting, the sewing machine is getting the best of me, and I just don't have the creative eye that so many of my mama friends have. I can't expect to be good at all of these things on first attempt either. Pining after these skills won't make me better at any of them. And the struggle I put myself to learn is not enjoyable or productive. I DO have skills though, gifts that God made me with. I can write. I can express. I can teach. I
can learn. If I stop for a minute and stop holding myself to impossible standards and just relax into who I am for a bit, I think things will sort themselves out. I pray that they will.
In the meantime I have three weeks until the next semester begins and I am not going to spend it in the mire of self pity. I am going to weed the onion patch, can up some tomatoes, and cuddle my babies. I am going to chase frogs in the living room, paint a tree on Lil'Bug's wall and adorn it with glittery cloth flowers. I am going to sing in the sunshine and dance in the rain. And I am going to try really hard to stop comparing my farm, my housekeeping skills, my gifts to others who God made perfectly who they are. He also made me perfectly who I am.
I think it is a terrible trap to fall into comparing. I even compare myself to myself. How I used to be or what I used to do. When I worked full time, prior to having children, I was a rising star in my field. I loved my work, felt called to it. I loved walking into old houses and finding their secrets. I loved being an activist for historical preservation. My skill for remembering detail was put to use. Sometimes I miss that world immensely. Motherhood changed that for me, I was faced with a choice. My baby's health or my passion for old houses. We both tested positive for lead and her exposure was likely through me. My love for her grounded me and I stepped off the highway and into the woods of a life I had no map for.
Yet, here we are. Delighting in the journey. I thank God everyday for all of these blessings. It does no tribute to fall into feeling like a failure.
